The last couple of weeks, especially, I have been battling a huge array of feelings. My thoughts have been jumping to conclusions that have some basis in reality, but nothing confirmed.
I am afraid.
I am afraid of being miserable.
I'm afraid of failing.
These are things I am readily able to admit, but I wonder how much of this fear is clouding and affecting my judgements. Fortunately, I have a brother-in-law who is wise and understanding, and extremely diplomatic, who has helped me to see what I could be doing to my self-ascribed former clear mindedness. These are his words:
I'm loading the camel.
You've likely heard the phrase, "The straw that broke the camels back." In allowing my mind to fill with negative thoughts (beyond the realistic questions), I have begun to load the camel. In making assumptions that have resulted in frustrations, having unrealistic expectations that inevitably result in disappointments, I have loaded the camel. In not communicating in a way that asks for the information that I desired that brings me a feeling of distrust due to a lack of communication, I have loaded the camel. I am just setting myself up for that proverbial last straw.
So, am I really open to what God may want for me? I want to be, but it is extremely difficult to allow myself to see what God wants over my load. Especially if I have it so densely packed.
I am preparing to go on a journey that desperately needs a lighter load. I have been praying that God will help me unload the camel, give Him the weight, and trust His leading. An amazing oasis might be just over the hill.