God has certainly brought us a long way from this moment 4 1/2 years ago. I think we have both matured in ways that would have only happened in this place. I know I have become much more self-sufficient (in good ways!) than I ever had been. Ironically, I have also become much more dependent than I would have ever believed.
My lack of appearances on this blog of late has been somewhat purposeful. I've been in avoidance mode. The blog-world has truly opened my eyes to the world and life beyond my comfortable places. I have been exposed to women who are fighting cancer, mom's dealing with unfathomable difficulties with their children, people who have dedicated their lives to loving the "least of these" in Africa, a woman who serves on a medical ship off the coast of Africa, and many others.
This exposure gives me a perspective on my own life that keeps me in check, if you will. When I have the correct view, I see my trials as minor in comparison. I don't discount them completely, but I don't give them the momentous focus. Well, lately I have been feeling very sorry for myself. Note the previous post! Yes, just moments after that entry was out, I blew up once again in a tirade of self-pity. I jokingly told myself I should read my own post again. Or maybe that was someOne else!
I have been feeling very alone lately. You see, we have no biological family up here, and I am very close to mine. We have had a lot of things happen this month in my family and it has hurt to be so far away missing in the joys and trials. I began to wallow in my aloneness. I would have moments of reality when friends would ask for prayer for situations much more dire than mine, but my mind would quickly relapse to my poor, poor self. In one of my pity parties, my oh-so-patient-husband challenged me to literally write down the blessings in my life. I told him I couldn't think of any that didn't conversely bring me pain. This is how deep I was sinking in my pit. I was sulking and refusing to look up.
Last week in our Bible study, Priscilla Shirer spoke about Moses. I could never do her justice, so please do her study, Discerning the Voice of God. We are in week 5. Moses had to wait 80 years to hear from God. He waited 40 of those in the desert. Not one of those individual days was wasted as God was using each moment to hone skills that Moses would need to lead God's people out of Egypt. I cannot imagine the level of patience Moses needed or the amount of self-control, wisdom, leadership, shepherding skills, desert information, determination, etc., that God worked into Moses's life to accomplish His will.
I have to admit, I'm afraid. I'm a little afraid that God will ask us to go further away from my family. Don't misunderstand, I would go in a heartbeat, but it would hurt. Sacrifices always do. I have no idea if anything like this would happen. I am being honed - dragged kicking and screaming, but nonetheless honed! I think my family would agree that obedience to Jesus far trumps family ties. Didn't He say something about that? Another post, perhaps!
I'm seeing a bit more clearly. I'm beginning to understand that whatever God purposes for me to do, I am being equipped right now. Not one day is being wasted. This day has a purpose for me, whether I see it or not. I doubt Moses saw the potential benefit in being able to lead a bunch of stupid sheep in the desert mountains. There is a bigger picture. I want to be part of it. I get to be part of it!