Saturday, September 19, 2009

Still Processing

I am now back in contact with my husband, albeit only phone contact. I am anxious for him to get home. I feel like the last two weeks have been filled with...filling. Not cream or cherry, but Holy Spirit! It's way better!
It has been hard to go through an awakening alone. I try to share the passion, fire, excitement I have been feeling with others, but it's so truly a personal experience. I often wish I had the verbal skills to not only relay what is coming alive in my heart, but to pass it along to others as well. I want everyone I know to feel what I feel and be moved to action. We could brainstorm and figure out what God wants US to do and encourage each other to DO it! There's just so much to do. Where do you start? Where do you stop? Do you stop? Do you try to do a little in a lot of places? More in one place?
I have spent the last few days intently reading the story of Katie. I was first introduced to her through my sis-in-law's blog, but saw her in others' later. This is a girl who's passion and love for her God (who happens to be mine, too!) is contagious. Her story is one that spurs me. A little uncomfortably. But thrillingly. I want to have a love and passion like hers. As cool as it would be to meet her and spend time with her, what makes her special is her complete abandon of herself to Jesus. He is not only using her to minister to the children in Uganda, but to a girl in Alaska. That's how big He is. Even bigger. (Their ministry: Amazima Ministries International)
I have been pushed a little more to feel. I had begun to pride myself on the fact that I had toughened myself up so much that I was no longer a "weepy, weak woman." I wanted to be strong and be in total control of my emotions. Part of this is that I didn't want to be seen as emotional or weak by my husband, who has NEVER said anything of the sort and has NEVER put that expectation on me. It was all me. I reasoned that it was also much more rational to keep the emotions at bay. You know all the stuff it says in the Bible about the heart being deceptive? That was my basis. A bit off, I know.
Well, this last week my heart has broken. More times than I can count. Tears have fallen. More times than I can count. I feel so drained of myself. I feel so full of Him. I feel like I have been given a tiny glimpse of what Jesus feels like when He sees how mistreated and neglected His children are. I, strangely, don't want the hurt to go away. I want the hurt to develop something deeper in me. I want to love. I don't want to see and write a check and feel better. I want to love. Loving is so painful.
As much as I have fallen in love with Africa, I want to fall in love with those who live near me. Sometimes that is much harder. It can also require much from us. Am I ready? I don't think God is calling me to move to Africa, though if He did, I'd go, but I want to love with a holy passion. What does that mean for me? I'm not sure yet. I'm mostly praying that I will see needs and my heart will continue to break whenever my Jesus' heart breaks. I want to feel. I want to love. I want to be more like my Jesus.

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