Z

Today he would be 18 days old.  His birthday was the 9th, you see.

I had the most amazing opportunity to meet him; to hold his perfect hands that look like his mommy's, to touch his perfect feet, to see how much his tiny mouth looks like his daddy's.

To say hello and goodbye.

I miss him.  I miss my nephew, Z.  He's my 14th N&N!  I love him so much.

This has by far been the most difficult month of my life, and I'm the Aunt.  I can't fathom walking this path in my brother and sister-in-law's shoes.  I would do it in their place in a heartbeat though. If I could.  That seems to be my constant wish; If I could.  But I can't.   Instead, I pray and cry and hope.  It's strange to be an aunt.  I wonder if all aunts feel as close to their nieces and nephews.  I wonder if I feel closer to them because I don't have children.  I wouldn't give up that closeness for anything.  Even when it hurts.

It has been a couple of weeks since we said our goodbyes to Z, but life is not the same.  You don't just move on.  I actually hate that phrase.  You can change it to "moving forward" and it makes it a little better, but it still just stinks.  I'm not one to use or feel comfort from platitudes, even if they are true.  I see the happiness of a new birth with other parents all over the place now, when I don't think I noticed it as much before.  I struggle with wanting to be happy for them, but feeling instead like I want to cry.  I want them to fully realize how fortunate they are.  Hearing about so many others (too many) who have walked this path and come through gives me hope, but still reminds me how much I had taken for granted, and how awful living in a fallen world can be.  Singing beautiful praise songs in church is almost impossible.  Not because I don't believe it, but it's just so emotional.  I was supposed to be making multiple trips to see the little guy, playing with him and babysitting while mommy went to the store or the spa or wherever else she wanted to go!  He was supposed to be here.  It's not the same.  It won't ever be the same.  I don't want it to be the same.

I want to remember those perfect little fingers that looked like his mom's and the lips that formed points just like his dad's.  I want to remember how sweet his tiny perfect feet looked as they peeked out from his blanket.  I want to remember how much his mom and dad looked forward to his entry into the world and how much they love him.

Z has made an impact on my life, and so have his parents.  I have seen how they have loved him, grieved for him, rejoiced for him, and continue to support not only each other, but so many of us around them.  God is using Z.  As we discover all the ways, I will continue to believe that God is grieving with us and comforting us.

Uncomfortably Happy

I'm skipping all the way down to the last night I was in Kansas.  My awesome brother-in-law suggested that his wife and I take a "time-out" together!  We chose our usual place - Olive Garden!  We also chose our usual hot chocolate, but splurged and looked at the desserts.  We chose not one, but two delectable dishes: a pumpkin cheesecake and a decadent chocolate dessert.  

We were pretty giddy with all the sugary delights!  

Of course we ate/drank it all!  It was a feat we were determined to conquer.  

We came.  We ate.  We conquered.

We were uncomfortable.

We were happy!

My sister has also put herself out there to be uncomfortable in order to follow her Lord.  She and I have both been moved to encourage others to push themselves out of their comfort zone if/when God calls us to do so, which He does extremely often in Scripture.  He calls us to reach out to the outcasts, love our enemies, be persecuted for His names' sake: these are all uncomfortable.  When we really live the way Jesus talks about, we will look very different from others and this can be hard.  She is there right now. 

Where am I?  I just spent the last couple weeks with my husband, albeit physically demanding weeks cutting firewood for winter.  I was able to come home to my nice house with warm wood heat (and a gas heater for back-up!); nice cozy furniture in which to curl up while I watch a little T.V. or peruse the internet; and we just finished the new kitchen cabinets/counter top.  I live in luxury.  I live in a very comfortable place.  Now, I'm not just talking about my physical conditions.  I live in an immense amount of security.  I do not fear for my life when I fill my glass with clean drinking water as opposed to young girls filling their jugs with dirty water from a water pit several miles away.  I'm able to go to the pantry and get a snack when I am hungry when others are immensely grateful for a single bowl of rice and beans for a meal that may be their only one for a few days.  

I spent the last year on a "clothes fast."  I did not allow myself to buy any clothing (except for 3 items of the undergarment variety) for an entire year.  Actually, it will be a year sometime around Thanksgiving.  One might think that this would be positioning myself to be uncomfortable.  Sadly, it was really easy.  I have a ton of clothes.  In fact, I gave away half my closet during this year.  I may not dress in the latest fashions, but I hardly lack in adequate clothing.  

My husband and I felt like we needed to increase our giving and we set up a new way to substantially do this.  When you decide to drastically change your spending habits, you usually feel some discomfort.  Again, this has been strangely easy.  It seems our finances are more than adequate for our daily necessities.  This may sound a bit arrogant and I know, know that our finances may not always provide our needs.  We have been there before; stretching every paycheck week to week.  We have learned through those times, however, that when things are going good, we must prepare for lean times.  This not only helps us, but enables us to help others.

I have quit my job in order to be more available to serve my husband, my community, and anyone else God asks me to serve.  This has been a little more uncomfortable.  I have discovered that I am less excited to follow the direct commands of my husband during a home work project than I was from my former boss.  I had previously prided myself on having tough skin and letting things roll off.  That doesn't seem to carry over to my husband!  I'm also finding it difficult to stay on task when I'm working on projects at home when at work I was an extremely focused worker.  Some of this is to be expected, but I feel a bit out of my element.  This is hardly an extreme form of discomfort, I have to admit.  

I'm wondering if God is preparing me.  I know He doesn't waste time and I have seen how He prepared my sister and has begun His work through her and her family.  This leads me to believe my time is coming!  As daunting as this may be, I am excited!  I have learned that if I really want to experience God, it will happen in those moments of being uncomfortable and stretched.  If I can do it all on my own, it's not really His power on which I rely or see.  I want to see more of Him.  

Sometimes, being uncomfortable can be a very happy thing!