Bedtime

 Sometimes you just have to get off the couch, go outside, and you will be blessed!  I am so fortunate to have my husband push me out of my comfort zone when I am clearly not comfortable there.  He is such a catalyst for me to see God's gifts!  Plus, on a practical side, being outside is better for one's oxygen intake, physical activity, and mental stimulation in a real-time way!

Oh, did I mention we caught fish?!  I caught the most, but Pat's single catch was the biggest!  We had a wonderful time and even had a "double" - when we both caught one at the same time!  

And to think we could have missed this by going to bed on time.

Thankful for My Morning Coffee Wake-up!

This morning I prayed for my husband as he left for work.  To be more accurate, I prayed out loud while I gave him his hug goodbye.  I rarely do this.  In fact, I think it's been years since I have done it last.  How sad.  I'm going to try to do it more often.

I am extremely thankful for the man God brought me with which to spend my life.

People are often shocked that I get up early to make my husband's lunch and see him off to work.  Right now this means getting up at 5:30.  Actually, he comes in with a fresh cup of coffee to wake me up!  Not too bad, really. He is up around 4:45 and gets the fire going, feeds the dogs, and has his quiet time. I often get looks that say, "Are you serious?" followed by the, "I would NEVER do that!" to which I usually think to myself, "That is why your marriage isn't as good as mine."

That may sound extremely pompous, but if you aren't willing to get up a little early for your spouse, are you really living in unity?  Are you giving as much of yourself to your professed loved one as you are expecting in return?  Why would you draw a line of "never" to the one to whom you vowed to love?  This always confuses me.  I would do anything for my husband, the least of which includes making his lunch in the morning and getting to start the day together.

Now, granted, I have an incredibly amazing husband who is not only an excellent provider, but also a gifted leader.  He lives surrendered to God, and I can trust him to follow Him!  This makes living in submission to each other much easier.

Notice I didn't say easy.  I'm still a human and become selfish more than I'd like to admit.  I'm also not necessarily saying everyone should do exactly what I do.  Your spouse may not care a whit about the morning send-off, but I'd bet there is something that does matter to him/her.  Usually it is something relatively small, fairly painless, and could move mountains if done regularly!  I'd also like to point out that discouraging and ridiculing someone else's act of love is highly reflective of your own level of loving.  Just saying.

If God called you to be married, then this is your act of service to Him, not necessarily your spouse.  I take the verse in Luke 16:10 to apply to marriage as well, though that takes it a bit out of context!  If I can't be faithful to show my husband love in small ways, how on earth can we hold up in hard times?   Being faithful to love each other in small ways will lay the foundation of Godly strength when the storms come.  My marriage is a huge testimony of what I really believe about God.  I know I've failed before, but in God's continuing story of redemption and second chances, I have an opportunity to let God shine through my marriage.

I love the chance to talk about what I do for my husband.  It gives me an opportunity to share how far God has brought me.  It reminds me of the gift I have and my responsibility to care for that gift.  I also hope it encourages others to give more of themselves, and then they can experience the sweet joys of selflessness.

Time for my second cup of java joy!  (O.K., my 3rd!)

Part of my Heart is in Africa Right Now!

The star is where my sister and my brother-in-law are likely just getting up "tomorrow" morning!  It is so absolutely incredible to comprehend.

Several years ago I went to spend a week watching their 3 kids while they took a trip to Jamaica for their 10th anniversary.  It was a very special time!  I remember her telling me later that they had talked, ever so briefly, about adopting some day.  (I think this was when, so if I'm wrong, I apologize!)  I remember my sis saying something about a little girl from Guatemala, but her husband said that he thought it would be a little boy from Africa!  I remember thinking that it sounded a bit far fetched, but as they weren't serious about it, it was just a "huh!" moment!

And now here they are: in Africa getting ready to meet their little boy on Sunday (Saturday night for us)!  I had no idea my brother-in-law had the gift of prophecy!  O.K., that may have only happened as a special gifting for the moment, but I'll probably think hard about any predictions he'll make from now on!

Probably like many people, my sister and I weren't exactly "kindred spirits" as we were growing up.  She was a fairly typical oldest child and I was certainly a second.  I didn't have very much in common with her, it seemed, until we got older and realized how much we truly do.  Mostly we just discovered that we like each other and our differences and have grown to appreciate what God is doing in each others' lives.  Actually, I absolutely adore my sister!  She has shown me love and forgiveness more than any one person in my life.  God has blessed me immensely by putting us together and I'm so grateful that I can come along on her spiritual shirt-tales!

I'm also so incredibly fond of my brother-in-law!  He's a definite tough guy, but I'll never forget how he waited for my sis to figure out that he was the "one!"  We all knew, of course.  I have been so impressed at how he has led in his relationship with my sister.  He takes such wonderful care of her.  He is a pretty cool dad, too!  Watching him with his little girls is so precious and it cracks me up how boys and their dads can be!  He's taught his children well.

I would do just about anything for these two people.  I wish I could do more; be there more; give more.  They are two ordinary people who have let the Extraordinary God show through them.  They are an example of what I want to be.  For the next week, these two are moving forward on bringing my nephew home, even if it won't conclude for another 6-8 weeks.  So, for now, I am praying that their trip is smooth, they will be well-rested, and they have wonderful visits with their son in his home country.  It won't be long until they can bring him home, but til then, we all have a little of our heart in Ethiopia!

Father's Day

Father's Day has had mixed feelings for me for the last many years.  I've struggled with knowing how to honor my dad while being extremely angry at my parents divorce.  Not having children ourselves has kept me from focusing on any other than my own Dad.

This year God has worked on my heart.  My fabulous Bible Study group and I have been going through Experiencing God, and recently have been discussing the love relationship with our Heavenly Father.  I have discovered that this is not necessarily an easy concept to grasp.  I had no idea.  I didn't quite realize that having an earthly father who was hard, abusive, or mean could have such implications on our adult perceptions of God as our Father.  I discovered that fear is a major component of many people's obedience to God, because that is what they learned from their earthly fathers.

My dad was not like that with me.  Don't get me wrong, I have an enormous dad who stands 6'3" tall and to a child, that is giant.  He isn't large on the width factor, but being a farmer, he was (and is) plenty strong.  In fact, I think my dad is one of the strongest men I've ever known.  Anyway, he was a formidable force when I disobeyed, and he was our ultimate threat when we were kids:  "Oh yeah?  Well, I'll go tell Dad!"  And yet, I have many memories of having him come up to bed and read us our bedtime Bible stories, teaching us how to pray, slathering Vicks Vapor-rub on our ticklish necks if we were sick, and being our bucking bronco until we were faint with giggles.  I remember being unafraid to ask him hard spiritual questions even very young, and he never made me feel like I was silly as he tried to lead me to find answers.

My dad taught me what a love relationship with my Father could look like, if only in a human glimpse.  Dad is not a perfect example, but he showed me how a father can be loving and demand obedience all at the same time.  I feared my discipline when I disobeyed, but I never feared my dad.  I knew he loved me.  I have easily come to understand what a love relationship with my Father can be because of my dad's love for me.  This is not a small gift.  This is what every dad is responsible for in their children.  That is a huge responsibility.  It won't be done perfectly, but it can be done to our human extent!

I'm so thankful this Father's Day that I have a Dad who showed me a portion of God's love.

Momentous Monday!

This is one of my favorite girls in the whole wide world. Can't you see why?! I love this picture and I've shown it before, but I can't help it. She's been on my mind this week.
My sister told me that my little gal (really she's my sister's little gal, but I'll take her any day!) had asked Jesus to come into her heart! At that moment, my heart just burst! I'm a pretty emotionally proud Aunt! My sister, not wanting to dismiss this momentous occasion, but wanting to understand the depth, asked her why she wanted to do this. Her answer is the very best answer I have EVER heard: "I just love Him so much!"

Every time I think of this, my eyes well up and I just about loose it. It's a similar reaction to when I learned of each of my N&N's decisions to give their hearts to Jesus. I just don't know if I've heard such a perfect motivation. I know mine wasn't! I was a little concerned about my level of fire resistance. Jesus knew it was also that I trusted Him to keep me safe. But really? I just love Him so much!? How absolutely perfect is that? I don't think I can add anything. My 4-year-old niece has just surpassed all my knowledge and study with the simplicity to which God calls us. It's really all He wants of us. I hope I can be like my niece when I grow up and be able to say about the things I do: "I just love Him so much!"

Mushy Monday!

Recently, my mom took some photos of my super-man and me. I just got them emailed to me and I absolutely LOVE them! I must admit, I'm not all gussied up and can probably clean up a little more, but isn't he just the most handsome?! He makes me feel all giddy!
I am madly, completely, head-over-heels in love with my husband. I know I mentioned this a little last week. In the relatively short time I have known him, I have behaved quite differently than I had pre-Pat. I would like to say all of that was for the better, and most of it has been, but a few times, I have chosen my beloved over others in a perhaps less than ideal way.
One way that sticks out in my mind, which I will forever regret and continually seek forgiveness for, was on my 25th birthday. I had been dreading this particular birthday, not because of the age, but mostly because of what I had not accomplished by this milestone. It did sound very adult, and I felt completely alien to myself. I was still learning who I was and who God was making me. Well, as a fabulously loving gesture, my mom got my sister and me tickets to go to a Women of Faith weekend in OKC over my birthday weekend! I was looking forward to it as a wonderful distraction and possible direction revealing weekend. This was until I discovered that our church was having it's annual Barn Dance that same Saturday. The love of my life and I had just begun dating, again, and it was to the point where we were beginning to have some pretty deep discussions. I was actually torn.
Looking back, I am truly horrified that I would have been so selfish to have even given this a thought, much less actually decided to forgo the WoF weekend, long planned, for a dance. Yes, I chose the dance. And Pat. I sought out some council, and was advised to do what I desired most. Really? I don't believe it was wise council.
I did have a good time at the dance, though I can't imagine what I missed. I know I missed the opportunity to bond with my mom and sister. I know I missed the chance to hear God speak truth into my life through some amazing speakers. I know I missed a fun girls-only weekend! Those are only the broad strokes. I'll never know the fine details of what I could have had, this side of heaven.
Now, I'm not saying that my husband should come after others in my life, especially not now that we are married! What I have been thinking on, however, is how determined I am to spend my life pursuing God. I gave up some wonderful times to pursue my husband, right or wrong. Do I throw all abandon and pursue my God? Would I be willing to give up some wonderful things to develop deeper relationship with Him? Am I choosing something I think is more desirable right now and missing the real opportunities for closeness?
Basically, I am asking myself if I love the Lord as much as I love my husband. More, even. Is that possible?! I have to confess that I have a hard time feeling the flutters when I sit down to read His love letters to me. I don't anticipate with watching the clock to when I get to spend time with Him. I am not as excited when I have done something specifically and secretly for Him. I have to admit, though, that it is awful hard to prepare a surprise for the Lord. That one is just for us humans to receive!
Don't misunderstand, I am far from dreading my alone time with God. I enjoy it immensely! It is one of the pleasures of life for me. I wish I could go to seminary and pursue the more intricate details of His Word. I love to discuss difficult passages and discover new applications in my life. I have no earthy idea of how people get along without God. I don't know why they would want to. Life is so much richer with my relationship with Christ.
So why the former lamenting? Well, as much as I am humanly able, I want to duplicate the love I feel towards my husband to my Lord. I never want to diminish the affection for my husband, and I firmly believe it is the way God intended marital love to be, but I just want more for my relationship with Jesus! I want to eagerly anticipate every moment I get to spend with Him - even though I know it is every second of every day! I want to present myself in my best mind, body, and spirit to the One who made me. I want to make Him happy with me by doing the things that He has asked of me, even seeking those opportunities out. I want to be madly, completely, head-over-heels in love with my Jesus.
I am so incredibly blessed to have been given a husband who lives out the Biblical principles of marriage. He shows me a glimpse of what Jesus feels for me.

Missing My Man Monday

I'm pretty sad, really. I leave for 2 weeks on my adventures and it seems like it's not a big deal. This time, I'm the one that's been left at home. I'm in a little mini-depression. I haven't had the motivation to cook myself one single meal. Nope. Not one. Yes, I'm a little prone to laziness, but I think it's more that I miss my husband.
To make matters worse (for me), one of my sweet friends got engaged and is all gooey and sweet over her fiance (which she should be)! I couldn't be happier for her, and it's been so much fun to share in her joy. I spent some time with her and her man yesterday and then came home to my dogs. Have I mentioned that, although I love the dogs (like I love cheese), I don't love them like my husband does. They just don't fill that gap for me. I felt a little down. A bit bummed.
I wondered how much this mimics my feelings when I have had a disconnect with the Lord. I don't seem to lose it completely, but I get a little off. The nice thing about my Jesus, I don't have to wait til He comes home on a plane. I just invite Him to join me again, and He's there. He's always there, but sometimes I put things in front of Him and I seem to lose sight of Him. I hope I get as excited when I reconnect with Jesus as I do when I see my husband.
I can't go any deeper. I'm just missin' my man too much!

Still Processing

I am now back in contact with my husband, albeit only phone contact. I am anxious for him to get home. I feel like the last two weeks have been filled with...filling. Not cream or cherry, but Holy Spirit! It's way better!
It has been hard to go through an awakening alone. I try to share the passion, fire, excitement I have been feeling with others, but it's so truly a personal experience. I often wish I had the verbal skills to not only relay what is coming alive in my heart, but to pass it along to others as well. I want everyone I know to feel what I feel and be moved to action. We could brainstorm and figure out what God wants US to do and encourage each other to DO it! There's just so much to do. Where do you start? Where do you stop? Do you stop? Do you try to do a little in a lot of places? More in one place?
I have spent the last few days intently reading the story of Katie. I was first introduced to her through my sis-in-law's blog, but saw her in others' later. This is a girl who's passion and love for her God (who happens to be mine, too!) is contagious. Her story is one that spurs me. A little uncomfortably. But thrillingly. I want to have a love and passion like hers. As cool as it would be to meet her and spend time with her, what makes her special is her complete abandon of herself to Jesus. He is not only using her to minister to the children in Uganda, but to a girl in Alaska. That's how big He is. Even bigger. (Their ministry: Amazima Ministries International)
I have been pushed a little more to feel. I had begun to pride myself on the fact that I had toughened myself up so much that I was no longer a "weepy, weak woman." I wanted to be strong and be in total control of my emotions. Part of this is that I didn't want to be seen as emotional or weak by my husband, who has NEVER said anything of the sort and has NEVER put that expectation on me. It was all me. I reasoned that it was also much more rational to keep the emotions at bay. You know all the stuff it says in the Bible about the heart being deceptive? That was my basis. A bit off, I know.
Well, this last week my heart has broken. More times than I can count. Tears have fallen. More times than I can count. I feel so drained of myself. I feel so full of Him. I feel like I have been given a tiny glimpse of what Jesus feels like when He sees how mistreated and neglected His children are. I, strangely, don't want the hurt to go away. I want the hurt to develop something deeper in me. I want to love. I don't want to see and write a check and feel better. I want to love. Loving is so painful.
As much as I have fallen in love with Africa, I want to fall in love with those who live near me. Sometimes that is much harder. It can also require much from us. Am I ready? I don't think God is calling me to move to Africa, though if He did, I'd go, but I want to love with a holy passion. What does that mean for me? I'm not sure yet. I'm mostly praying that I will see needs and my heart will continue to break whenever my Jesus' heart breaks. I want to feel. I want to love. I want to be more like my Jesus.

Alllll Byyyyyy Myyyyyy Seh -eehhh-eehhhllllf

Am I the only person who cracks themselves up?!
I just posted on my facebook page the title of this blog, and it made me laugh audibly. I was singing it to myself and thought you all might think it was funny too!
I have begun my little "heart-growing-fonder" time away from my husband. I miss him terribly already. I hate going to bed and tend to stay up way too late. We've been married 7 years and I always hate to be apart from him. He is on a trip with his brother-in-law to go Elk Hunting in his native (close enough) New Mexico. (He was born in Idaho, but moved when he was 5.) Anyway, my manly man is all outdoor's and has tried his best to make me the same way. I love how he encourages me and somehow manages to get me out into the most amazing places in the craziest of situations. This last weekend he took me out bear hunting, and he had me sleeping quite soundly under a tarp on a bed of hemlock boughs for my sleeping bag. For all you animal lovers, I apologize, but I live in Alaska and I married a serious hunter. It was bound to happen. I had never really shot a gun before I met him, and now I'm out hunting black bears, among other things. The funny thing, is that this was not the first time I had camped tentless. He managed to get me under a tarp in our canoe a couple years ago. One thing to say about that trip: bug nets.
I had a good friend of mine get engaged just recently and in her excitement I have been remembering all the sweet things I love about my husband. I also remembered the first year we were married. Gals from my small group would ask me how things were going, and I would usually respond, "O.K." I was having a hard time letting go of my independence and sharing. I'm not a good sharer. Especially with my candy. Moving on. My friend has been a very independent for the last several years. As excited as she is for this gift, she is nervous. I was too. I've been sharing with her how I had to tell my fabulously attentive husband that when I got home, I needed time to demob. and unwind before I could really engage with him. Fortunately, we were able to communicate fairly well with each other in all these little things! I say "we" but I really mean him. Somehow he disarmed me, calmed me, taught me. Still does. I feel his absence and wish I was as strong as I used to think I was!
Now I have the time to be by myself. What do I do with this independence?
I succumb to dependence. I don't know what exactly is going on, but my soul is stirring and I need to know what God is trying to say to me. I am nothing without Him, and for all that I have been blessed with, I am feeling that I need to DO something more. My heart has been aching for people I've never met and live across the world. My little life is so safe and insulated. I feel like I need to become a little uncomfortable. Still not sure what that means. I am taking this weekend to spend some serious time in reflection and prayer. If you think of it, I'd love your prayers. I may also ask if the Lord is asking you to look beyond your blessings and ask why you've been given what you have. He may ask you to do something crazy too!

Memorization Monday

And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance;
and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope;
and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

Perseverance brings PROVEN CHARACTER. Proven. Sticking it out makes a difference. It is so important. Character, no, Proven Character brings hope. A fascinating connection. I don't know that I would have thought to lead character into hope. But then, it's not just any hope! It is the hope that does not disappoint! Did you see that God POURED out His love? Poured it out. Gushed. And into our hearts?! I know, my sentence structure is pathetic. I can't think in complete sentences right now. I'm in awe. He chose my heart to pour His love into by the Holy Spirit. There is so much to unpack from this verse. It's not really about tribulations or sufferings. I'm stuck on the love poured out. Do I leak out any of that love that was poured into me? Do I show the hope that does not disappoint? Have I shown Proven Character? How do I deal with my petty tribulations? It's all about the love. Poured. Out. In my heart.
Poured out.