Miss me?

I don't handle stress very well.

My patience level, which is not exactly a deep reservoir, becomes as thin and as strong as a sheet of cheap toilet paper.  This particular trait makes me so enjoyable to be around.  Yes, that's sarcasm.  That's another stress-induced trait that rears its ugly head.  This lack of patience and overabundance of sarcasm have led me into a couple of frustrating situations recently.  I hate this.

I'm not ending well.

I had hoped that this would be a bittersweet transition into the next phase of our lives, but right now it just feels like I want to pack up and quietly slip away.  Sadly, I'm not sure I'd be missed.

Some of the stressors are legitimate, and I frequently excuse myself with these, but my inability to refrain from contentious responses are all me.  I see a opening and regardless of my real opinion, I interject an argument.  My husband is truly appreciative of this mighty skill I have.  Especially on a Sunday morning on the way to church.

I'm not sure what I need to do right now about this.  God and I have had some talks, but I'm still tripping all over it.  Sometimes I think I just need to pull up my big-girl panties and realize that everyone is not as enlightened as I am I only have control over myself and I have the power of self-control.  God said so.  I don't have to agree with everyone, but I can respond lovingly or even choose to refrain from responding in an effort to keep the peace.

I wish I were a person who was missed.
Maybe it's not too late.

I Can Do It - BY MYSELF!

It seems I am a toddler at heart.

I can do it all by myself!

For the past 8 years or so, my fabulous husband has been on a mission to get me to a higher plane of self-sufficiency.  He has enabled me to see past the perceived need of tents, bulky food, trails, most cooking utensils, and much more.  I have been able to learn that I truly need very little to survive in fairly comfortable environment that I can create for myself.  

This self-sufficiency fed into my deep desires to be independent.  I have wanted independence from something or someone since I could remember.  While growing up this manifested itself in wanting independence from my family, whether in name or actual physical location!  As I grew, my goals were very centered on creating an independent persona for myself - all by myself.  I was going to be someone people would admire, wonder, wish they were, etc.  I was going to do this all alone.  All through school, even through college, I detested group projects.  I felt as though they were a socialistic standard that only served to bring me down to average, which I truly aspired to be above.  I thrived when I finally got to do my relatively independent study for my Horticulture degree.  It fit me perfectly!  I got all the credit!

Even now, I feel tremendous satisfaction in completing a project or tackling a problem successfully on my own.  Just tonight, I was changing the water filter in our crawl space (more like a stoop-space), and as I was opening the water line back up, water began to pour out the pressure relief button.  This was no exaggeration.  It was pouring out.  (Did I mention we are supposed to have a showing this weekend?  No?  Well, yes, this added to my panic!)  As I shut off the water and pushed my panic into a box in my proverbial emotional shelf, I realized that the button was likely gunked up (yes, I made up that word) by some sediment.  Fortunately, I had just sprayed a thrip-covered petunia with a soap/water mix that I thought may help along with some Q-tips.  I went ahead and texted my man just in case he had any other thoughts!  In the end, I was able to clean out the valve and stop the leak, averting the crisis.  I was quite proud of myself!

Then I remembered that we aren't supposed to do anything by ourselves.

Jesus Himself said:
"'I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by Himself; He can only do what He sees His Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does.'"  John 5:19
"'For I have come down from heaven to do the will of God who sent me, not to do my own will.'" John 6:38
"'My message is not my own; it comes from God who sent me."' John 7:16
"'I do nothing on my own but say only what the Father taught me.  And the one who sent me is with me - he has not deserted me.  For I always do what pleases him.'" John 8:28b-29
"'At my Father's direction I have done many good works.'" John 10:32a
"'I don't speak on my own authority.  The Father who sent me has commanded me what to say and how to say it.  And I know his commands lead to eternal life; so I say whatever the Father tells me to say.'" John 12:49-50

Now, I don't want to take this all out of context and say that I cannot do anything, ever, on my own.  I do believe that God gives us challenges that only we must go through, but am I by myself?  No.  I'm not.  I have to admit that when I was putting the filter back on that last time, I was praying that God would seal it and keep it from leaking.  Not only does He help in moments like these, but He uses these situations to bring us into a deeper reliance on Him.

Sometimes, He desires us to draw upon our community for support.  Earlier today I had a dentist appointment.  That may not sound that big to some of you, but I have had less than stellar dentist appointments in my day and I have a tendency to get a bit panicked.  My jaw locks up and hurts when they put the block in, I almost always have sinus drainage that collects in the back of my throat, and that doesn't help my claustrophobic tendencies which cause me to have brief panic attacks thinking I can't breathe, and gosh darn it: it hurts!

So anyway, I humbled myself and asked for my group and my mom to pray for me today.  Mom's are great for that, aren't they?!  I admit that I felt rather silly asking for prayer for something fairly trivial.  I should surely be able to get through this by myself.  I was reminded of what a privilege it was to be able to see a dentist at all, but I was still not looking forward to my fillings.  Today I felt so thankful for those prayers and support.  I prayed for me and the dentist throughout the appointment, and I felt a calm and relaxation that was foreign to me in that place before now, and I know it was due to the prayer support.  The dentist seemed to feel the need for urgency and made the appointment go quickly.  I now have a molar that no longer has the metal filling, but a composite one, along with a little extra that needed to be filled.  It was as pleasant an appointment as it could have been.  I didn't even feel the shots, though it looked as though I'd had a stroke for the next 5 hours.  I kept hoping I wasn't drooling.  I digress...

I had just had an experience where the coming together of sisters had blessed me, and yet I was still determined to find pride in doing things by myself!  My problem stems not from the ability God has given me to accomplish things like fixing a leaky pressure relief valve, but in taking the full credit.  I am so thankful that God has worked in me and used my husband to teach me how to take care of things.  Jesus, who was God's own Son, again and again reminded us that even He relied on the Father for direction and strength and then gave the glory back to Him.  It was never about Jesus' story alone.  He didn't do it all by Himself, and I don't want to either.

Pity Party

Have you ever prayed to hear God's voice, and then when He spoke to you, you didn't particularly care to hear it?

This morning I awoke alone, as my husband is across the inlet, to near white-out conditions outside. For all of you anticipating Spring's kiss of green, I give you my look of annoyance. I know some of you can picture it now! For it is far from Spring in the wild lands of Alaska. It's also far from Spring in the manicured lands of this piece of Alaska. We still have a solid month of winter and March is often the month of many snows. Apparently, this is one of those years. It has proceeded to snow about 8", give or take, since my handsome man left one week ago.

Thus my pity party.

I expressed a bit of my frustration to my manly man yesterday about the peculiar situation of having a double car garage with an extra lean-to, and no place to park my car out of the weather. I had seemingly mistaken our building with two garage doors as a garage, when it is in fact, a shop. Silly me. You can surely see where I got my misguided ideas.

I had lamented the lack of adequate cover when my husband simply suggested I move the project pieces that were placed in this area over and thus allowing my car to fit. Yes, simple. I went out this morning planning to move the car into the garage enabling me to get it out of the way to take the 4x4 truck, as it had just snowed another 4" and blew into our driveway creating a fascinating "U" shape. I knew the car stood no chance against snow that deep.

Let me back up. In case you don't see me on facebook, I took a bit of a spill on Friday night last. I slipped on a patch of ice that was cleverly hiding underneath the newly fallen 4" of snow as of that point. It was rather painful, but I landed pretty well considering and only managed to torque my shoulder pretty hard. Nothing broken, but very sore following. I worked on Saturday and on Sunday did not rest, but rather restacked our porch supply of firewood which is about 6 heaping wheelbarrow loads. Not exactly the best thing for my shoulder.

Back to today: I went out to find I needed to shovel the snow from around my car to first enable me to center it and drive it into the garage. It wasn't too bad for my shoulder, as I tried to use my left arm for the weight. Then I went into the garage for the simple task of moving the projects. I was able to move one project without much issue. Unfortunately, it was not to be with the second. I heaved and I heaved, but alas, the welding cart with the custom bumper atop, would only scoot so far under my limited power. I even used up my super-human anger power to no avail. It was then that I began to feel very sorry for myself. I had to go back outside, scoop more snow, & move the car back over as far from the truck and as close to the garage as possible. Did I mention I had to broom off the 4" of snow from the car, AND the truck? No? O.K., at least I'm not repeating myself. I then pulled the truck out into the driveway and made sure it would make it out. It did. I backed in, pulled out, backed in, pulled out in order to drive down the snow and make it easier for me to drive out if I decided to ever take the car out again.

You may ask if I could have used a snowblower? Why yes, we do own one, but no, I am not able to use it. I have not been given instructions, and even if I had, my shoulder would have prevented me from wielding the beast. Could I have called someone to plow the driveway? Perhaps, though I doubted they would get there in time for me to get to work, plus I couldn't remember who my husband said to call. Besides, there was a "sled-bed", a flatbed that sits on top of a truck bed that allows 2 snowmachines (snowmobiles) to sit atop it, sitting in the driveway as well. I don't think plow guys like things in their way.

Any-hoo, I was quite peeved by the time I got to work. I felt that this was all avoidable, had my husband just been home and done all the work for me. After all, isn't that his job? To take care of me? I thought so. In fact, I was so convinced of the injustice of my situation, that when he called (one of the 2 phone calls he gets to have with me per day) I let him know exactly how I felt. I was not going to budge in my analysis of the morning despite the so-called "solutions" he kept throwing out. He clearly did not understand. I was so frustrated that I cut the call short and told him I needed to get back to work. We hung up.

Then I heard HIM.

That wasn't necessary, was it? You know he hasn't chosen to be away from you, but is trying to provide for you. You already know he didn't leave the items in the garage in your way on purpose. Remember how quickly he was called out to leave? You never mentioned your desire to have those things moved. And why are you relying on him to meet all your needs? Why didn't you ask ME for help in any of those things? I may have had an idea or two. You do remember that when you have tons of rationalizations, that usually means you are wrong? If not wrong, then possibly overreacting. Is this really worth being this upset? By the way, I love you.

Oh shoot. All this happened almost instantly after I hung up the phone. I've been miserable ever since. Please do not console me. My lack of peace is certainly from the Holy Spirit! I cannot call my fabulous husband, so I am waiting for him to call me so I can apologize profusely. I was wrong. I was selfish. I was expecting things that he cannot give me. I saw a friend write today, "A successful marriage is the union between two great forgivers." I am fortunate that I have one. He makes me want to follow his lead and be one too. This was one party that I'm glad is over. Kinda wish I wouldn't have attended!

Monday Morning

This is my sunrise this morning. I just stepped outside and took this picture from my back porch. It's really quite lovely. Living up here, I often feel in awe of the beauty of God's creation. I told my husband recently that I hoped heaven had a place outside of the New Jerusalem that had mountains, and that I wanted to be there instead of the "city." As ludicrous as that likely sounded to God, I think there's a reason why mountainous regions evoke heavenly awe. At least for me, they do! I realize there can be beauty in the desert, but the desolation quickly overcomes me. No hard feelings, desert-dwellers (literal ones)!

I'm reading the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan (Bloom book club), and finished chapter 5 recently. Chapters 4 and 5 are like a 1-2 punch. In the gut. I imagine, as I've no recollection of ever being punched in the gut. These chapters have made me really look at what I consider myself to be, as far as "Christian" goes.
To make matters "worse," I've also started the Me, Myself, and Lies Bible Study by Jennifer Rothschild with my Thursday night group. I honestly didn't think I was perpetually telling myself lies. Is there a 3-punch? Perhaps it was an uppercut. Anyway, I have begun to realize that my lie-telling self has been building up my pride with things like "I deserve to have that", "You are doing enough", "They are lucky to have you, and they don't even realize it." Then I have that false humility of realizing my pride and going the opposite: "You don't even have a bachelor's degree; what do you know?", "You made some serious lapses of judgment while you were a Christian. Your testimony is marred beyond repair."
So, how do these beat-down sessions connect? Well, I have realized how far I fall short in what I give to my Creator. I see everyday how much He has given to me, if only in the Creation He so perfectly gave. He made not only this amazing and complex world that the Discovery Channel so beautifully displays (though it's seriously flawed in it's interpretations), but He made me. He made me on purpose. For a purpose.
To put myself on a pedestal and elevate my needs above my Lords, is a seriously ridiculous action. I do it all the time. I pat my proverbial "god" on the head and tell him it's enough for now, and I'll get back to him later. After all, I've done a fair share. On the flip side, it's just as preposterous to tell the One who made me of all the flaws in His work, or what He made won't work like He wants.
Am I that puffed up? I don't think that's a lie. I think that's one truth in that "thought closet" that needs to clean out some of the garbage that's been collecting. My creator gave me everything I have. He has also given me the ability to give it all back. The strange thing is, if I do, I'll receive even greater gifts, though that is not the motivation. Jesus told us to give EVERYTHING if we truly love Him. Look what He gave. I am so lucky to have Him, and I don't even realize it.
Well, sometimes I do.

Mocha on the Mount Medicine

Late again, I know.
This morning, this week really, we have been studying Matthew 7 in the Sermon on the Mount. It's the "ouch" part. Well, yes, it's all pretty tough, but this was particularly finger-pointing.
Does "the pot calling the kettle black" sound familiar? Yeah, that's the section that I have been mulling over.
I wonder if the measure I have doled out judgment is going to be applied to me? In some respects, I hope it is. My ultimate desire is to have the wisdom to use the Word as my measure. As much as I agree that we should "measure up," I also know that it is impossible. I know that it is not my place to pronounce judgment. Does that even make sense?! It does in my head, so forgive me if it is a bit disjointed!
All this to say, that I have been really pressed to carefully examine the potential for logs that require eye surgery. "Why do you see the speck in your brother's eye, but fail to see the beam of wood in your own? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me remove the speck from your eye,' while there is a beam in our own? You hypocrite! First remove the beam from your own eye, and then you can see clearly to remove the speck from our brother's eye." I have seen anew the directions here. We ARE to help each other see more clearly, but only if we can see clearly ourselves. We are also to do this without a critical or judgmental spirit. That's my "ouch."
My own pride seems to be inflated when I can "discern" what someone else ought to do. I can surely see the situation much more clearly and my ideas are most certainly God's will. It just makes the most sense. And doesn't God always make sense to us?! While I can see the huge error of this thinking, I do think it is applicable to help each other. It just all depends on the heart attitude. I can only be effective in helping others if I am humbly seeking God's will for me. If it is God's will for me to help others, He will give me the tools to do so. That often requires eye surgery. I am then forced to see if I am living up to the standards that I want to set up. Of course, none of us can if our standards are God's standards. My heart is then put in check, and I can more properly discern if I should become involved or not. God will open the door if necessary.
Lord, help me not to worry so much about what other people do, but rather where my heart is. I want to honor you with my words and deeds, but mostly with my heart. I ask that if you call me to intervene in anyone's life, that it is all about glorifying you and truly helping them, not filling my pride. Keep me aware of my state of grace whenever I feel a critical spirit towards others coming. I still see the brevity of life and want to build my relationship with you that sustains me when other relationships fail me. Help me to continue to seek your glory, not my own.

A little PR

I know P.R. normally stands for Public Relations, but today it will stand for Prayer Request.
It's a funny thing, to ask for prayer. We are such an independent creature, even when we are a "new creation!" Yesterday someone said to me, "I can just see you as a little girl saying, 'I can do it all by myself!'" That is so me. That is also my husband. We are fairly tough spirits (see other blog for our other adventures), and feel pretty strong in our independence, though not from each other! I see the rabbit trail; I'm coming back.
So, this last month or so has been a real exercise in reliance. I have been working, but let's face it. My work is a pretty low-pay, no benefits, seasonal job that provides us with some extra cash to play with and I enjoy immensely! How's that for a roller coaster sentence! My amazing man has only had a few recent days of intermittent work after a month-long wait. He is the primary provider and we base all essentials on his income.
Financially, we are doing O.K. We plan ahead for such times. In fact, this year we had begun to save a substantial amount monthly to a larger emergency fund. Except for this last month, of course! We have yet to dip into the larger fund, as we have a more liquid account for short-term situations. I find this a blessing. We have prepared for such times, and we are benefiting from our planning and resourcefulness.
But, I have not been praying about this issue much this last month.
I have mostly been relying on our own abilities to get through the rough patch when things will turn around. I find myself trying to make sure I do all the things I possibly can before I "bother" God with my problems. I want to give a report of all I have tried to somehow show I've been working toward a solution and not being lazy and just asking for help. I think in my effort to avoid being a part of the "welfare population" I don't want to appear that way before God. I want to be one of those that He wants to help because I am trying to do the right thing already. I'm just not so sure that's how God see's things.
I'd like to be a bit closer in relationship to God than I am to the government! I want to be closer in relationship to God than to anyone else. It isn't as if He doesn't already know. Wow. How's that for a double negative! He knows! I really ought to start out asking for wisdom and discretion on finances. Yeah, I ended that with a period right there for a reason. I was going to go on, but that's where it should be. I should start out asking for wisdom and discretion on finances, not wait til we are in a tighter situation where we may have made mistakes or miscalculations. I'd rather have widsom, Godly wisdom from the beginning.
Why do I think of things only after?
While you may think this is a request for prayer about our finances, it is really a request that I humble myself and bring my requests before God; BEFORE I try to handle it all by myself. I keep thinking it's not a pride issue, as I still give God credit for taking care of us. Then I wonder if I give Him credit in the secret places of my heart that I don't show my Christian friends, or anyone. Did I just write that? Oh my. Perhaps I do still like that inner feeling that I really did do it all by myself. I'm so thankful that my Father walks beside me so closely that when I come to my senses He can step right in.

Monday Mumblings

Yeah, I've joined the ranks of having alliteration. Not sure if that one will stick. I thought of Monday: Musings, Memories, Madness, Masterpiece (a little presumptuous I thought).
Yes, well. Moving on.
This last week was such a lesson for me on Pride. I, comically, discovered I had developed a bit of a self-righteous pride in my reflections on how well I'd received my spiritual rebukes! I had the opportunity to share how I had evidently not conquered those prideful notions in Sunday School. You'd think I'd have learned. Oh no. God had yet to bring me down!
This Sunday our Youth Pastor was to give the message. His topic was known to me beforehand as I receive our church email. I wasn't thrilled. His topic was on the Prodigal Child. Now, I know there are such treasures to glean from this parable, but I was sure I had gathered them all. It's a good story, but I'd heard it from childhood an indeterminable amount of times! I had placed myself in all the principal character's shoes to try and see all the possible aspects of application that I could. I seated myself in anticipation of hearing something that if nothing else, would only confirm what I already knew. Oh, what a studied Christian I am, and this young youth pastor...well, I'll listen and even take notes, if just to keep myself occupied.
Let me back up just a bit. All my life I have wanted to be super smart. Intellectual. Gifted. When I was a little girl in elementary school, I begged to take the test to see if I, indeed, was as gifted as I presumed myself to be. My sister was, after all, and it's got to be genetic, right? It's not. At least not in my case! I am smart, and I did well in school, but I am not "gifted." I was devastated. They told me I missed it by 2 points. I was so close! Truly I cried and cried as my little heart just knew I wasn't special. Oh, my mom and other people I'm sure, tried to assure me that I was indeed special and smart. I remember people being so surprised to find out I was valedictorian. I was really proud of that, though the fact is somewhat muted since I had such a tiny class and I didn't have a perfect GPA! I digress...
I still desire to have a "gifted" intelligence. I am so envious of those who go to seminary. I would love to do that, just for the fun of it! I love to learn, and to study in an upper graduate level would be heavenly. One problem...I don't have a bachelors degree. I almost finished my business degree, but changed my field to horticulture and now only have an Associates Degree to show for my 4 years and lot's of money's worth of college. I thoroughly devour scholarly teaching and speaking. My favorite pastors and leaders have been those who challenged my vocabulary! I strive to read and learn, nonetheless, in my singular effort to improve my brainpower. I, apparently, still take some level of pride in my knowledge and God was about to show me I don't know as much as I think I do. Perhaps He knows that I would fight pharisitical
tendencies and bask in my pious wealth of knowledge...
Back to yesterday:
He began his sermon by reading the first part of the parable. Yeah, yeah. Oh, what? What did he say? The father gave the inheritance to BOTH sons? Let me look at that...oh. huh. Sure enough. I never noticed that before. So, the older son had his inheritance the whole time. That intensified the final passage of the parable when he [the older son] refused to party at the return of his brother. How had I missed that little tidbit? Gee, maybe I should really listen. Perhaps there is something else here that I missed.
"There will always be opposition when Grace is fully given." Huh. We do want justice, don't we? Is that just me? Do I oppose grace? Did someone oppose the grace that God has bestowed so fully on me? Wow. I guess I can learn more. I've not ever taken that lesson from this parable before. God has humbled me. I'm not as "gifted" in my Biblical knowledge as I presumed myself to be.
I'm so thankful that God's Word is living and active! It's a book that I never want to put down. It's a letter that I hope to reread over and over. I don't care if that last statement is redundant! I'm not gifted, so I don't have to act like I am ultra intelligent!

Such a time

Today has been another strange day for me. I am "supposed" to be working. Let me clarify. I'll start at the beginning since I'm so fond of typing and of general exposition!

I have always thought that I would work. I've never pictured myself or dreamed that I would stay home for any reason. After I got married, we "needed" my income but the tension started. My hours at the nursery were irradic and long during the growing season, particularly in spring. During my brief stint as a hairdresser, I worked weekends, naturally. Moving to Alaska did nothing to help these tensions that by this point, had become just a little more palpable. In fact, when we moved, Pat's income was greatly increased, and mine was greatly decreased which created an entirely new issue. I did eventually quit the hairdressing to commit entirely to the greenhouse, even if it was only a 6-month stint. This was a HUGE act of submission for me. Let me say this was not only a submission to my husband, but to where I felt God was leading. At this point, my mind was looking at the possibilities of my moving up in the greenhouse and solidifying my career there. Last year was such a hard year for me at work. I struggled so much with what I envisioned for myself with the tensions that were mounting in my marriage.

This spring, a good friend of mine simply suggested that I do what I need to do for my marriage as a first priority. This sounds so simple, and in effect it is. That was such a splash of cold water for my heart. Why was I so bound up in the work thing? I've thought it through and realized that I had a few issues. First, I was really not sure what people would say about me working part-time. We don't have children to keep me occupied, so what would I possibly do all day? I knew people would automatically think I was lazy and should do more to contribute to society. To my credit, I have had a couple interesting looks when I tell people I work part-time and have no kids! Is this really a good reason? Am I really more interested in what other people may think than what my husband feels? I take much better care of him when I have time to do so! I also take good care of our finances, if I do say so myself. I take better care of our home and dogs when I am home. I think these things are "givens" but aren't they important, too?

I have also realized that I had a bit of pride. I really took pride in my work and my position. Our society does not put as much of an emphasis on "stay-at-home wife!" In hearing my friend's advice, I realized I needed to put more value in my first job: Pat's wife. In feeding my work-pride, I was starving the place that needed feeding. It is still a struggle. I love my husband's praise for what I've accomplished during a day, but I still long at times for the public affirmation. I am so thankful for friends who will point out to me where I need to focus my needs. The Lord WILL give me the desires of my heart, but only when I seek His will for me! So simple...

O.K., back to the strange part. I "demoted" myself this year. After my refreshing splash of water, I talked to my boss and told him I would only work 4 days a week this year (for the 6 month stint), and would not be available on Memorial Weekend. This is our anniversary and for the last 2 years I have worked while Pat has had that time off. What peace! God worked this out before I even told my boss this, as he had already been asking a gal who worked for us for a few years to come in more often. She has been willing and able to work full-time. I have been so thankful that I did not put them in a bind for workers, and this gal is a great worker and person! It's been a bit harder for my pride again! I had put myself in the category of "necessary." I'm discovering that I was not necessary. I was wanted, and I still am, but I'm not needed in the same capacity. I am so thankful that I had not let my pride swell more than it had, for that may have led to a much more painful fall! Oops! I neglected to mention that I haven't been to work for almost 2 weeks! I'm the one to be left at home now unless there is enough work to be done.

My study of Esther has reinforced this quelling of my pride. I've seen how pride can fill someone to such horrible and destructive levels. Lord, keep me far from becoming a Haman! I've also felt that God has other plans for me. I don't know exactly what those will be, but as I fade back from working, I think He has other work for me to do. I have wondered why we are still in Alaska since we're long past our 3-year plan! For such a time as this! God has us where we are for a reason! I'm very excited to see where He takes me! I will share that I emailed my pastor about starting a women's group. I haven't heard yet, and I don't know if this is exactly what God is leading me to, but I have to see! One thing I have been able to discover is a renewed prayer life. It seems there are so many needs that I have been oblivious to, and it is such a joy to participate in prayer with others, even those I don't know.

How cool is this? This is one of the ash clouds from our eruptions. I was challenged by a friend to want my desire for Christ to erupt as such! Does my love for Christ ascend above the cloud of society? Oh that He will fuel the fire until it does!