Tough Tears

I have tried for most of my life to be strong.  I often linked the presence of tears with weakness.  As many of us can probably attest to, growing up we were told to stop crying (or we would be given something to cry about!).  As we grow, we are told to be tough or else thought of as a "baby."  By the time we reach adolescence and young adulthood, we have learned that this type of emotional signal is either a tool of manipulation, a sign of immaturity, or in extreme and often rare cases, a sign of real pain.  At least, this is what I came to believe.

I have spent a long time closing myself off from feeling any emotions strong enough to elicit tears.  There have been only a few deeply meaningful moments where these unwanted drops would fall, but most often this was very private.  Even then, I felt silly, embarrassed and weak. If anyone was present for this lapse in control, I would apologize profusely and promise myself that it would never happen again.  After getting married, more than a decade ago, I was determined not to use emotions as manipulation, and felt betrayed by myself if I ever found my eyes even welling up with moisture, regardless of the circumstances.  Even my husband, with whom I am deeply in love, was not allowed into this deep part of my soul.  As if this is not bad enough, I have found myself unable to fully engage in worship.  I feel the flood levels rise and quickly take measures to lower the water levels.  I sing the words, I listen, but it's mostly with my head because I can't trust myself to open that part of me.
This is a place where I am afraid to go; afraid that I cannot control it if I enter.  It has made me very cynical of those who openly display through their tear ducts the depth of emotion they feel.  I in turn feel that I am somehow being beguiled by their pull at my heart strings.  I tend to look at them with distrust and believe them to be weak.

This year has been one of the most emotionally wrenching years I can remember.  I had planned to move an ocean away, those plans were changed (both decisions came with a huge amount of emotional tolls), I was able to meet and had to say goodbye to a precious baby nephew, I witnessed my parents' remarriages (to other people), and now another divorce in my family is looming.  These are just the really big things, not any of the myriad of other highs or lows.  I hesitate to open up this much and in as much detail as this in such a format, but against my better judgement, here I go.  Many of these events have pushed me to my controlled limit, and I have succumbed to the flood of emotion, a perfect description.

Floods overtake their surroundings and do damage often irreparable.  We can try to rebuild, but it is never the same.  I feel like my heart has been flooded and there is no way to rebuild the fortified dams I had in place before.  I am still trying to keep some semblance of control with some smaller measures, and I know time will rebuild some, but I think I'll not be the same.

Recently I went to a women's conference with my church small group.  I remember very vividly a couple of things that really spoke to me.  The first was at the beginning when the worship leader challenged us to completely fall into worship, like you would fall trustingly into a foam pit!  And, not only to fall, but to jump in with full abandon!  I wanted to, but that just seemed so out of control.  Crazy.  Irresponsible, even.  That image wouldn't leave me alone, however, and in the last time of worship, after hearing our speaker in a conversation with an audience member say something about presenting our tears as an offering to Jesus, the dam broke.  I felt it, physically.  I know there are some that would doubt this, and I don't mind, but I physically felt the walls around my heart crumble, exposing the path to the deepest part of my soul.

This is all very recent, and years of habitual closing off won't suddenly be changed.  I am sure that I will continue to fight feelings that bring tears to my eyes, but I no longer feel that I have to.  I have a freedom to offer my tears to Jesus, either in public or private worship. I can enter in to other's heart stories and feel the pain and hurt with them without judgement.  I'm still working on not feeling embarrassed when I shed tears, but I imagine that will change over time.  Do not misunderstand; I will not be a bumbling mess at all times with no hold on my emotional state, but no longer will I be a statue with a very separate compartment for my emotions either.  I can enter this deep place exposed by the flood, because I don't go alone.  Jesus is there with me and just like the woman who wiped His feet with her tears and her hair, He will not shame me, but will take what I give an offering of love.

Loaded Camel

The last couple of weeks, especially, I have been battling a huge array of feelings.  My thoughts have been jumping to conclusions that have some basis in reality, but nothing confirmed.  

I am afraid.

I am afraid of being miserable.

I'm afraid of failing.

These are things I am readily able to admit, but I wonder how much of this fear is clouding and affecting my judgements.  Fortunately, I have a brother-in-law who is wise and understanding, and extremely diplomatic, who has helped me to see what I could be doing to my self-ascribed former clear mindedness.  These are his words:

I'm loading the camel.

You've likely heard the phrase, "The straw that broke the camels back."  In allowing my mind to fill with negative thoughts (beyond the realistic questions), I have begun to load the camel.  In making assumptions that have resulted in frustrations, having unrealistic expectations that inevitably result in disappointments, I have loaded the camel.  In not communicating in a way that asks for the information that I desired that brings me a feeling of distrust due to a lack of communication, I have loaded the camel.  I am just setting myself up for that proverbial last straw.

So, am I really open to what God may want for me?  I want to be, but it is extremely difficult to allow myself to see what God wants over my load.  Especially if I have it so densely packed.

I am preparing to go on a journey that desperately needs a lighter load.  I have been praying that God will help me unload the camel, give Him the weight, and trust His leading.  An amazing oasis might be just over the hill.

Mountain Climbing

We have this old-fashioned thing called a camera.  It's only purpose is to take pictures.  Weird, I know.  It is not so old to have film, though I have one of those as well (as for film, I'd have to suggest one Google it!).  It is with this relic of technology that I took some "passport photos" for our visa application.  Let me just say, there is no way for these to look lovely, though I will admit, makeup may have helped me a bit.  

So now that these lovely photo's have been cut-up, pasted to the application, and mailed off, it is official: We have formally applied to be in the country of Ghana.

One might think that this is quite an accomplishment (visa applications are not too difficult, but a pain nonetheless), but it really feels like I've taken but one step up Mount Everest.  There feels to be mountainous amounts of information that need to be gathered, questions that need to be answered, and plans upon which must be decided.  Moving forward is a monumental task.  It gets overwhelming to me more and more.

When we first said "yes" to this adventure, I was all about just going with the flow, and "just do what you can do!" I told my husband in his anxiety.  Now it is my turn.  I have taken a much bigger role in Vytrak than I anticipated, and I am extremely glad I have, don't get me wrong, but with this bigger role comes responsibility, and with that comes the pressure to succeed.  I'm pretty sure this pressure is self-administered, but it doesn't change the fact that I now have real responsibilities and others are relying on me.

There are times I just want to go back to being "Pat's Wife."

It can be so much easier to be the supportive one, as opposed to the one needing support.

Thankfully, I have an amazing husband who comes into my whirlwind of panic, holds my hand and we find our footing together.  The whirlwind hasn't exactly gone away, but I know I have support and someone walking it with me.  This is a good thing, because as he says, this is just the bunny hill.  We haven't even begun to get to the steep parts yet.

Ultimately, I have to acknowledge that I have no real clue or control over what is happening.  I totally love change when I am the one controlling the outcome.  This is a little over my head and it makes me nervous.  I am really trying to give my anxieties (that seem to grow in proportion to my knowledge) up to Christ and let Him lead me.  I think.  I'm not actually sure what this practically looks like!  I feel such a desire for tangible symbols of release like burning pieces of paper with my anxieties written on them during a time of prayer.   Maybe I'll have myself a bonfire tonight!

I keep thinking of the Psalty song, One Step at a Time!  I definitely feel like I'm climbing a mountain one step at a time!  I'm feeling a smores craving with all this mountain climbing and bonfire talk!

Stepping Out

Yeah, this moose is just prancing on the top of the quickly melting lake ice.  This is actually a rare sight, as they typically have more sense than this.  Plus there's no food out there.  It's all around the safe shores. But isn't it fun?!  Daring...Exciting, even?!    

 I feel a little like stepping out.

OK, not exactly.  This was my "Easter Outfit."

Notice the rotting ice behind me.  A day or two before this shot and a day or two after the moose was out, I stepped out on the ice and heard a huge POP!  The ice cracked loudly.

The funny thing was, instead of stepping back onto the safe shores, I ran out onto the ice into the middle.    

You see, the ice is really thick in the middle and thinner around the edge.  

I find it really interesting that I chose this direction instead of the safe shore walk.  It would have been longer, but certainly safer.  (The only real danger was dipping a few inches - the ice is still feet thick!)

I feel a little like my life is very similar.  I feel like I just heard the POP and my next move is to jump out, not back.  I'm needing to run out to the middle where even though I know it's solid, my adrenaline is pumping!  I also know that when I get across, I'm going to have to trust that I can jump to safety again.  It also feels like it shouldn't make sense: like the moose, it doesn't feel like there's anything out here.  I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing, and there is certainly a burst of fear-ridden adrenaline, but ultimately I know I'll be safe.  

God does not ask us or push us out to places where we will sink.  He does put us in places where we will sink without Him.  He wants our complete dependence, complete trust, complete self.  I want to step out in complete reliance on my Savior who put Himself on a Cross for me.  There is nothing He will ask of me that will compare to what He did for me.

Uncomfortably Happy

I'm skipping all the way down to the last night I was in Kansas.  My awesome brother-in-law suggested that his wife and I take a "time-out" together!  We chose our usual place - Olive Garden!  We also chose our usual hot chocolate, but splurged and looked at the desserts.  We chose not one, but two delectable dishes: a pumpkin cheesecake and a decadent chocolate dessert.  

We were pretty giddy with all the sugary delights!  

Of course we ate/drank it all!  It was a feat we were determined to conquer.  

We came.  We ate.  We conquered.

We were uncomfortable.

We were happy!

My sister has also put herself out there to be uncomfortable in order to follow her Lord.  She and I have both been moved to encourage others to push themselves out of their comfort zone if/when God calls us to do so, which He does extremely often in Scripture.  He calls us to reach out to the outcasts, love our enemies, be persecuted for His names' sake: these are all uncomfortable.  When we really live the way Jesus talks about, we will look very different from others and this can be hard.  She is there right now. 

Where am I?  I just spent the last couple weeks with my husband, albeit physically demanding weeks cutting firewood for winter.  I was able to come home to my nice house with warm wood heat (and a gas heater for back-up!); nice cozy furniture in which to curl up while I watch a little T.V. or peruse the internet; and we just finished the new kitchen cabinets/counter top.  I live in luxury.  I live in a very comfortable place.  Now, I'm not just talking about my physical conditions.  I live in an immense amount of security.  I do not fear for my life when I fill my glass with clean drinking water as opposed to young girls filling their jugs with dirty water from a water pit several miles away.  I'm able to go to the pantry and get a snack when I am hungry when others are immensely grateful for a single bowl of rice and beans for a meal that may be their only one for a few days.  

I spent the last year on a "clothes fast."  I did not allow myself to buy any clothing (except for 3 items of the undergarment variety) for an entire year.  Actually, it will be a year sometime around Thanksgiving.  One might think that this would be positioning myself to be uncomfortable.  Sadly, it was really easy.  I have a ton of clothes.  In fact, I gave away half my closet during this year.  I may not dress in the latest fashions, but I hardly lack in adequate clothing.  

My husband and I felt like we needed to increase our giving and we set up a new way to substantially do this.  When you decide to drastically change your spending habits, you usually feel some discomfort.  Again, this has been strangely easy.  It seems our finances are more than adequate for our daily necessities.  This may sound a bit arrogant and I know, know that our finances may not always provide our needs.  We have been there before; stretching every paycheck week to week.  We have learned through those times, however, that when things are going good, we must prepare for lean times.  This not only helps us, but enables us to help others.

I have quit my job in order to be more available to serve my husband, my community, and anyone else God asks me to serve.  This has been a little more uncomfortable.  I have discovered that I am less excited to follow the direct commands of my husband during a home work project than I was from my former boss.  I had previously prided myself on having tough skin and letting things roll off.  That doesn't seem to carry over to my husband!  I'm also finding it difficult to stay on task when I'm working on projects at home when at work I was an extremely focused worker.  Some of this is to be expected, but I feel a bit out of my element.  This is hardly an extreme form of discomfort, I have to admit.  

I'm wondering if God is preparing me.  I know He doesn't waste time and I have seen how He prepared my sister and has begun His work through her and her family.  This leads me to believe my time is coming!  As daunting as this may be, I am excited!  I have learned that if I really want to experience God, it will happen in those moments of being uncomfortable and stretched.  If I can do it all on my own, it's not really His power on which I rely or see.  I want to see more of Him.  

Sometimes, being uncomfortable can be a very happy thing!

I Can Do It - BY MYSELF!

It seems I am a toddler at heart.

I can do it all by myself!

For the past 8 years or so, my fabulous husband has been on a mission to get me to a higher plane of self-sufficiency.  He has enabled me to see past the perceived need of tents, bulky food, trails, most cooking utensils, and much more.  I have been able to learn that I truly need very little to survive in fairly comfortable environment that I can create for myself.  

This self-sufficiency fed into my deep desires to be independent.  I have wanted independence from something or someone since I could remember.  While growing up this manifested itself in wanting independence from my family, whether in name or actual physical location!  As I grew, my goals were very centered on creating an independent persona for myself - all by myself.  I was going to be someone people would admire, wonder, wish they were, etc.  I was going to do this all alone.  All through school, even through college, I detested group projects.  I felt as though they were a socialistic standard that only served to bring me down to average, which I truly aspired to be above.  I thrived when I finally got to do my relatively independent study for my Horticulture degree.  It fit me perfectly!  I got all the credit!

Even now, I feel tremendous satisfaction in completing a project or tackling a problem successfully on my own.  Just tonight, I was changing the water filter in our crawl space (more like a stoop-space), and as I was opening the water line back up, water began to pour out the pressure relief button.  This was no exaggeration.  It was pouring out.  (Did I mention we are supposed to have a showing this weekend?  No?  Well, yes, this added to my panic!)  As I shut off the water and pushed my panic into a box in my proverbial emotional shelf, I realized that the button was likely gunked up (yes, I made up that word) by some sediment.  Fortunately, I had just sprayed a thrip-covered petunia with a soap/water mix that I thought may help along with some Q-tips.  I went ahead and texted my man just in case he had any other thoughts!  In the end, I was able to clean out the valve and stop the leak, averting the crisis.  I was quite proud of myself!

Then I remembered that we aren't supposed to do anything by ourselves.

Jesus Himself said:
"'I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by Himself; He can only do what He sees His Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does.'"  John 5:19
"'For I have come down from heaven to do the will of God who sent me, not to do my own will.'" John 6:38
"'My message is not my own; it comes from God who sent me."' John 7:16
"'I do nothing on my own but say only what the Father taught me.  And the one who sent me is with me - he has not deserted me.  For I always do what pleases him.'" John 8:28b-29
"'At my Father's direction I have done many good works.'" John 10:32a
"'I don't speak on my own authority.  The Father who sent me has commanded me what to say and how to say it.  And I know his commands lead to eternal life; so I say whatever the Father tells me to say.'" John 12:49-50

Now, I don't want to take this all out of context and say that I cannot do anything, ever, on my own.  I do believe that God gives us challenges that only we must go through, but am I by myself?  No.  I'm not.  I have to admit that when I was putting the filter back on that last time, I was praying that God would seal it and keep it from leaking.  Not only does He help in moments like these, but He uses these situations to bring us into a deeper reliance on Him.

Sometimes, He desires us to draw upon our community for support.  Earlier today I had a dentist appointment.  That may not sound that big to some of you, but I have had less than stellar dentist appointments in my day and I have a tendency to get a bit panicked.  My jaw locks up and hurts when they put the block in, I almost always have sinus drainage that collects in the back of my throat, and that doesn't help my claustrophobic tendencies which cause me to have brief panic attacks thinking I can't breathe, and gosh darn it: it hurts!

So anyway, I humbled myself and asked for my group and my mom to pray for me today.  Mom's are great for that, aren't they?!  I admit that I felt rather silly asking for prayer for something fairly trivial.  I should surely be able to get through this by myself.  I was reminded of what a privilege it was to be able to see a dentist at all, but I was still not looking forward to my fillings.  Today I felt so thankful for those prayers and support.  I prayed for me and the dentist throughout the appointment, and I felt a calm and relaxation that was foreign to me in that place before now, and I know it was due to the prayer support.  The dentist seemed to feel the need for urgency and made the appointment go quickly.  I now have a molar that no longer has the metal filling, but a composite one, along with a little extra that needed to be filled.  It was as pleasant an appointment as it could have been.  I didn't even feel the shots, though it looked as though I'd had a stroke for the next 5 hours.  I kept hoping I wasn't drooling.  I digress...

I had just had an experience where the coming together of sisters had blessed me, and yet I was still determined to find pride in doing things by myself!  My problem stems not from the ability God has given me to accomplish things like fixing a leaky pressure relief valve, but in taking the full credit.  I am so thankful that God has worked in me and used my husband to teach me how to take care of things.  Jesus, who was God's own Son, again and again reminded us that even He relied on the Father for direction and strength and then gave the glory back to Him.  It was never about Jesus' story alone.  He didn't do it all by Himself, and I don't want to either.

Who's the Boss?

(Sorry, no homage to the 80's sitcom.)

It was a warmer day today. It's in the double digits and it looks to be in the 20's even! This is important due to the siding project we've been after all week. We've been painting the siding/trim inside our heated garage and installing it once it's dry. Our last pieces just happen to be the most difficult pieces to place: the soffits. We have an incredibly steep pitch and it won't be super fun, even though it's my husband who will be up the ladder. We do have a real ladder and not the "ladder of death" that had been in use during the construction of the garage (2x4's nailed together to form a ladder). I find some relief in that fact.

This project has revealed in me my intense desire not to be bossed around. Being a 2nd child, I was often placed under the authority of my older sister. Not until she went to college did I get to be the boss, and even then, it was only for 2 years until I went as well. It's probably a good thing I was not born first. I REALLY like to be the boss. Just ask my younger brothers. Wait. Please don't.

I was reminded of how much I have always liked to be in control. I think I was around 6 or 7 when I decided I would be better off on my own. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess it was due to the fact I was being told to do something that I didn't like. I don't actually remember that part. Well, off I went carrying some provisions I imagine. I began my journey down our driveway to find my little brother tailing me and asking if he could come with me. I really couldn't be burdened with such a task, so I tried my best to discourage his desires. I believe it came down to literally losing him in the corn field that flanked our driveway at that time. Oh, now I was free! I was imagining my mom feeling heartbroken at the thought of me gone forever. If only she had just left me alone and relieved me of my chores, I may have just stayed. I just knew I'd gotten to her with this one. Picture Ralphie in a Christmas Story thinking of his parents distress at having poisoned him blind by soap! I had no real idea of where I was going or what I'd do, but I just knew I had to leave. (Insert dramatic flair heavily!)

My guess of what happened at home goes a little like this: my brother goes home crying that I was being mean to him and that he was scared after getting lost in the corn. My mom then soothes my brother and likely laughs and sighs at the same time trying to think of whatever she will do with me. I imagine she may have called my Aunt who lived a mile and a half away on our country dirt roads and asked her to call her when I got to her house. I think this, because when I passed their house and got to the corner, ready to trek down the pavement, my mom just so happened to drive up. She nonchalantly opened the door and asked what I was doing. I, not going to give up my plans so easily, told her I was simply going for a walk. With a few provisions. She mentioned that they were going into town for some errands and ice cream and wondered if I'd like to go along.

Oh dear. You know, walking that far was making me hungry. A bit of ice cream would be nice. Maybe I'll hold off the running away for a bit. At least until after the ice cream. I climbed in the car. While we were eating the ice cream, Mom did mention that my brother was scared and it wasn't very nice to make him lost. I think I remember some other mention of how it wouldn't be very nice to run away either. I think I may have tuned that part out a little and drowned it with ice cream. Sorry, Mom.

I still have a hard time admitting that my way isn't necessarily the right way. I tend to question the different options as a way to suggest that if it was just done the way I said, it would be easier, and I can't imagine a better way of doing something. Unfortunately, my husband will occasionally do something my way and show me my error. Only after that does he explain why his way was the better option. Why do I need such a visual?

I am so often trying to "do life" my way. I am feeling a bit like I've just crawled into the car and my excitement for "ice cream" may eventually be the motivational tool God uses to really change my course. I'm glad I got into the car. I can't wait to see where we go! I just hope my excitement carries me through the difficult times that will inevitably come. I know I'll have some talking-to's that will continue to adjust my heart attitude. I'll probably have moments where God will allow me to do it my way and later show me how His way was actually the better option. But I'm still glad I got into the car.

Now, two scoops! Oh...and...uh...please?!