Loaded Camel

The last couple of weeks, especially, I have been battling a huge array of feelings.  My thoughts have been jumping to conclusions that have some basis in reality, but nothing confirmed.  

I am afraid.

I am afraid of being miserable.

I'm afraid of failing.

These are things I am readily able to admit, but I wonder how much of this fear is clouding and affecting my judgements.  Fortunately, I have a brother-in-law who is wise and understanding, and extremely diplomatic, who has helped me to see what I could be doing to my self-ascribed former clear mindedness.  These are his words:

I'm loading the camel.

You've likely heard the phrase, "The straw that broke the camels back."  In allowing my mind to fill with negative thoughts (beyond the realistic questions), I have begun to load the camel.  In making assumptions that have resulted in frustrations, having unrealistic expectations that inevitably result in disappointments, I have loaded the camel.  In not communicating in a way that asks for the information that I desired that brings me a feeling of distrust due to a lack of communication, I have loaded the camel.  I am just setting myself up for that proverbial last straw.

So, am I really open to what God may want for me?  I want to be, but it is extremely difficult to allow myself to see what God wants over my load.  Especially if I have it so densely packed.

I am preparing to go on a journey that desperately needs a lighter load.  I have been praying that God will help me unload the camel, give Him the weight, and trust His leading.  An amazing oasis might be just over the hill.

Wicked Weeds

Dandelions.

They are everywhere.  Really, I've seen them.  

I cannot believe how beautiful they can be, especially if they are not in my flower beds.  

 I have to admit, there were several amazing specimens in my lawn back in Alaska.  Especially once I started to fertilize said lawn.  They are really quite a beautiful and rugged flower.

So rugged, in fact, that it is very difficult to get rid of them.  One thing that does help to eliminate them, other than meticulously hand picking each and every one with the entire root system, is to first feed them.  This may sound counterintuitive, but it serves a purpose.  When plants are at their best, they are able to store food all the way through their system.  This is when it is optimum to apply the desired product of destruction.  It's almost like you get in good with the dandelion, and BAM!  Take 'em out.  It's a bit harsh but effective.

I was reading in Psalm 92 today.  Verse 7 states:

"That when the wicked

sprouted up like grass

And all who did iniquity

flourished,

It was only that they might

be destroyed

forevermore."

Sometimes I wonder if God does the same thing with evil as I do with dandelions in the lawn.  God was the original landscape designer, and I know He hates the weeds that come into His creation, slowly sucking the nutrients and moisture away from what He has sown.  Could it be that when we see all the evil in this world, and the seeming lack of consequences, that it's just a matter of time before the BAM!?  It gives me a little bit of solace knowing that even though the wicked weeds are showing themselves off to be something of beauty, their seemingly uninhibited splendor will be destroyed.  I can rest in this.  I can know that the evil that enslaves, kills, mutilates, and inflicts any other number of pains, will be destroyed.  Forevermore.

White Time

It's funny how during the winter, I long for the whiteness to be gone.  Now, the lushness of the multitudes of greens fill the landscape and a spot of white is like a light in a dark place.

Funny how perspectives change.

I had hoped that I would feel a real uplift with the sale of our house and the prospect of moving to the next step.  I did, for a while.  Those bursts of lightness have settled into a valley of fog.  I feel like I'm just wandering around, waiting again.  It is 3 weeks until we are officially out of our house, and I have packed up what I think we will be taking that we don't need right now, I have had one garage sale with one more this week, and I have donated and thrown away more.  I have visited with friends and made lists to eliminate my pantry as efficiently as possible.  I have made a couple itineraries for our impending road trip, and saved a few books to take along.  I have called Canada to prepare for our entry, and I have my list of utilities to call in a couple more weeks.  We have our storage totes half-filled, the trailers are travel ready, and the trucks are serviced with tires mounted. We have prepared all that we can, for the time being.

With an abundance of time, I am wishing for movement.  I know that when this situation flips, I will long for a moment of time in quiet peace.

Funny how perspectives change.