Shape Shifting

You remember this toy, right?  I don't exactly remember playing with it per se, but I do remember it while babysitting or working in the church nursery!

We learn early on that certain shapes fit into certain spaces.

Sometimes, this is a lesson that bears repeating in adulthood.

I have been rather sad for the last couple weeks as it has become clear that our path is not what I thought because we were not the right fit.  As close as the star might be to the cross, it won't fit.  The oval will not conform to the circle.  The triangle will not morph into another shape just to go through.

The redeeming fact of the matter is that though certain shapes won't fit just anywhere, they do fit somewhere.  The do fit in the shape that was created for it.

While I grieve the loss of placement of where I wanted to be, I believe that there is a place created just for us.  And while I feel a twinge of guilt in the loss we have created, I also believe there is a perfect fit for that space as well.

Many are the plans in a man's heart,
but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.
Proverbs 19:21

Wicked Weeds

Dandelions.

They are everywhere.  Really, I've seen them.  

I cannot believe how beautiful they can be, especially if they are not in my flower beds.  

 I have to admit, there were several amazing specimens in my lawn back in Alaska.  Especially once I started to fertilize said lawn.  They are really quite a beautiful and rugged flower.

So rugged, in fact, that it is very difficult to get rid of them.  One thing that does help to eliminate them, other than meticulously hand picking each and every one with the entire root system, is to first feed them.  This may sound counterintuitive, but it serves a purpose.  When plants are at their best, they are able to store food all the way through their system.  This is when it is optimum to apply the desired product of destruction.  It's almost like you get in good with the dandelion, and BAM!  Take 'em out.  It's a bit harsh but effective.

I was reading in Psalm 92 today.  Verse 7 states:

"That when the wicked

sprouted up like grass

And all who did iniquity

flourished,

It was only that they might

be destroyed

forevermore."

Sometimes I wonder if God does the same thing with evil as I do with dandelions in the lawn.  God was the original landscape designer, and I know He hates the weeds that come into His creation, slowly sucking the nutrients and moisture away from what He has sown.  Could it be that when we see all the evil in this world, and the seeming lack of consequences, that it's just a matter of time before the BAM!?  It gives me a little bit of solace knowing that even though the wicked weeds are showing themselves off to be something of beauty, their seemingly uninhibited splendor will be destroyed.  I can rest in this.  I can know that the evil that enslaves, kills, mutilates, and inflicts any other number of pains, will be destroyed.  Forevermore.

Hanging Out

I don't really have a concise quip for this one.  Something that makes you go "huh!"

I am in a season of anticipation.  I am so ready to start the next stage of our lives, yet so unprepared.  I am wanting to soak up as much family time as I can, yet savoring the time to myself.  I feel the need to educate myself, and also to leave room for being taught.

I know God is preparing me for all the future contrasts I will encounter.  He is giving me the opportunity in this familiar environment to work through some of this.  I am not too sure I'm doing a great job though.  I know that I have things to do, but I know that the work will be inevitable, so I am leaning toward the soft comforts now.  I don't think it will serve me well in the end!

Perhaps I am like the shoes: meant for pounding the pavement, but hanging out and enjoying the view - at least until it rains!

Refreshment

I'm back in Kansas again!
It has been hot.
Today is absolutely perfect - 78 degrees and thunderstorms!

 Did I mention we have been able to see our N&N's?!  Not all, but 11.5 of them! (one more on the way!)

Our first day was full of hugs, and we have already had a chance to mingle and play a little Bocce with them!

This is part of why I wanted to be here.  It has been a fun welcoming.  Because lives are busy, it will be interesting to see how much I'll be able to stretch myself to watch all the football, soccer, tennis, and basketball games.

I also hope I can refuel my spirit.  I hunger for the type of relationships I've had before here, and also in AK, that can give me perspective, growth, and encouragement.  I am a little concerned for myself for the move to Africa, and I hope to cultivate relationships very intentionally that will continue through my time there.  This sounds very selfish, but I also hope to be involved in others' lives to keep myself from becoming self-absorbed.  I've learned this from a new friend I met this summer who happens to live in China right now.  (She was in Alaska this summer, to avoid confusion!)   I hope I can reach out and make this time work.  I am discovering some frustration with our single car issue, but I think God can work around that!

We have already felt some reach out to us and felt encouraged back into our former church.  I am ready and excited to drink this tall cool glass of refreshment!

Kisses From Katie ~ Book Review

I had pre-ordered this book when I first heard that I could.  In fact, I accidentally ordered 2!  Interestingly, it has taken me a long time to actually pick it up and read it.  I knew that it would convict me of all the things I like to complain about through the winter.  I knew that it would show me how to see Jesus in the people that I wasn't sure I wanted to be near.  I knew it would break my heart.

I guess I didn't feel like being broken.  I thought that if I held myself together with my list of complaints and rationalizations, it would feel better.  Maybe it would have, but only if you are willing to be broken can you experience healing.

I just finished this book and it was everything I had thought it would be.  Katie's story is really pretty simple:  she said "yes" to Jesus.  It's not an easy story, parts of it are excruciating, hilarious, disgusting, and beautiful.  It is a real and honest look at the costs and joy of following Jesus for one particular person.

Not everyone's journey of following Jesus will look like Katie Davis', but reading about her story and how her realizations of how American materialism takes the need for Jesus away struck a chord.  We live in a time and place where if we need something, we go get it.  I am especially guilty of this.  When the Autumn season arrives, my husband and I have to consciously stop buying things we want for the sole purpose of leaving something for gifts.   I haven't ever had to rely on Jesus to provide my needs, though He does.  I know we rationalize our feelings here by saying that God gave us our jobs and we do them well, and that is how He provides.  Yes, that's true, but that scenario relies heavily on my own power.  I've never been in a place where Jesus was the only option.  There is a part of me that desires that level of closeness with Jesus, then honestly, there is the selfish part of me (a way bigger and stronger part) that sees the costs and wonders if its worth it.  Then I remember how dissatisfied I am with my cushy life and wonder if its worth it not to follow Jesus with complete and utter abandon.

I read Katie's story, and it has given me an even greater sense of anticipation of what God has for us next.  I do sense that God will move us.  I don't know where or when, or really even for sure.  I now have more assurance that it will be hard, excruciating even, hilarious, disgusting, and beautiful.  It will be worth it.

Embracing Fat!

 We've come to know "fat" as a dirty word.  It hasn't always been that way.  In fact, in many past and present cultures, being fat is a sign of success and power.  Actually, things haven't changed much.

 In the same way that 15th century artists depicted beauty in the fullness of figures, I've found a new appreciation for the term, "fat."  Several years ago now, I heard a previous pastor of mine talk about the need to be F.A.T. in order to be a successful leader.  Faithful, Available, Teachable.  I've found that the same principles apply to life in general.  I've also discovered that these qualities are almost as difficult for me as maintaining good eating & exercise habits!

Being Faithful is so easy in concept.  The kicker on this one is that it is a "time will tell" principle (also taken from Pastor Williams).  Being faithful in something for a very short time is, well, not that impressive.  I've often said that I could do just about anything for a short period of time, and that's often as long as I last.  It's when we can be faithful for the long haul that matters.  Faithfulness is an aspect of the fruit of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22), and thus can only really be mastered by the Spirit-led person (as mastered as humanly possible!).  It is a difficult thing to be faithful in trying circumstances, but even David as he ran for his life encourages us to "Be strong and let your heart take courage, all you who hope in the LORD."  He was convinced, and rightfully so, that "The LORD preserves the faithful and fully recompenses the proud doer."  (Psalm 31:24, 23b)

Availability is a little easier for me right now, sort-of.  I like to plan my life to be easy-going.  This doesn't necessarily mean I want to use my free time in service.  In fact, just today I spent a fair amount of time making calls and arrangements for a firewood ministry my husband leads.  He is busy right now with work, but I am available.  I admit it isn't as fun to spend hours on the phone planning logistics, but I am glad I can help.  It is obedience.

Teachability is probably my hardest one to master.  When I enter a new field of interest, I cannot wait to consume all the information possible.  I love to become an expert on things that interest me.  Other things, not so much.  Just ask my husband.  Unfortunately, I am not good at feigning interest and consequently, my poor attitude often prohibits any information from sinking in.  I tend to give the blank look and angrily give up before the lesson is over.  That is not a quality of being teachable!  Just like being faithful throughout the difficult times, I believe being teachable is necessary in the less than desirable times.  

So here's to developing our FAT Qualities!  And eating better...

The Grass is Greener Syndrome

 Having spent the last month in the bay area of California, I have remembered my love of the color green. I was sent rather short-notice and packed a bit too warm for the area.  It didn't take me long to soak in the green grass, blooming lavender and other flowers around my hotel.  It was a sweet consolation for an otherwise difficult job.

Upon my return to a very snowy home back in Alaska, I quickly began to wish for a change of "home."  Why did it have to snow more this year than ever?  (I don't know the exact numbers, but we have had a LOT of snow this winter... so far.)  This means that it will take even longer to see my own lawn this year.
Oh how I miss green grass!
As if God knew this would be in this brain of mine, he set it to my Pastor to quote someone, I forget who, saying, "If the grass is greener on the other side, then it's time to water your own lawn."

I could get all negative and literal, explaining the desire to water my lawn but it's covered in 5 feet of packed snow, but I'll take the figurative intention and realize that I have ways to make my life content.  Most of this "watering" is rooted (pun intended!) in spiritual discipline.  I must admit that I am lacking in this most important way.  When I stop feeding myself with the Word, I feel distracted, flighty, discontent, and ungrateful.  I look at others and pine for whatever they have that seems to be lacking in my life.

On CBS Sunday Morning, a show I must watch every week, they had a little segment discussing the falsity of the literal "greener grass" syndrome.  Let me explain.  When one looks over a fence or what-have-you at the lawn across the way, it often appears to be greener because of the angle of the view.  Grass blades are long and slender, giving the most green color viewing from the side.  When looking upon the same blades of grass from above, the view is more of the tips and edges, and often some dirt, giving a much less green appearance.

Basically it's perspective.  When I think my life is too lowly for me to participate in it, and I feel like changing lawns, what I really need is to get down and roll around; get my eyes to the level of the blades.  This may mean getting dirty, grass-stains and all, to really see what I have.  (There are so many puns & allegorical thoughts here, but I'll restrain myself - they could get very old!)   I have to engage more deeply in the life I have been given to nurture it.  Then maybe, just maybe, someone else will ask what I'm doing to have such a healthy, green life, and I can point them to the Maker and Sustainer of it all.

Purpose

We are all created for purpose.

Those of us who know Christ know the grand purpose of living in such a way as to make Him known.  

But aren't there also smaller purposes?  

I've been in a small struggle with discovering that "smaller" purpose.

It seems that I have been only lightly searching and consistently failing.  I typically move every 3 years (though it's been 4 in this house!), change jobs at least every 5 years, and become restless even more often.   

I don't have children, but I do have lots of opportunities to be around them and make a difference.  I would like to be around my nieces and nephews more, but I still get to participate in their lives, and if I may be so bold, I feel a little more of a "special effect" since I live in Alaska!  I don't feel that this is a loss that I feel, but it still remains that there is a lack of purpose.

My love of nature and former career in Landscape Design was very satisfying, but still left a gap.  It seemed crazy to expect payment for a service that was somewhat meaningless other than visually pleasing.  It was a difficult balance for me.  I understand the pull to farm so much more - as it provides something much more necessary.  I will always love the beauty of the amazing varieties that God has provided (and continues to) and I will never discount the work others do, but it left something missing for me.

So what does this mean?  I don't really know.  I just know that I have so many opportunities to discover my smaller purpose that contributes to my greater purpose!  I am thankful to be in a place that offers me this freedom.  And promise.

O.K., this first picture is just for the posterity thing since I mentioned I'd be getting a new 'do!  I really do like it!  It's given me a lift that I didn't anticipate.  I actually feel like getting ready and take a little pride in myself.  I was getting a little "blah" about myself and such, so this was a good pep up.

A week ago, my husband and I went out to a local lake and spent a quick night out camping.

We've been sensing some changes in our plans, and it was feeling a little overwhelming.  We needed a get-a-way from real life for a little reflection and reminder that God does have it all under control.  Interesting that being away from all the comforts of life and out in His creation can give you that clear perspective. Makes one wonder how much those comforts cloud our hearts and minds.
I'm so thankful that we were able to get away and decompress.  It was good to breathe in the calm and serenity.

Unfortunately, the week came and work was the usual thing and the house still hasn't sold and this and that.  I still struggle with the waiting for what God must have planned.  I wish I could just close my eyes, hear the loons calling over the water and be filled with that sense of calm.  Sometimes it just eludes me.  This limbo that I live in gets old and tiresome.  Dare I say I need roots?

Let's not get too far ahead of myself!

Let's just say I want a glimpse of what is really ahead.  I have been waiting for a while now.  A whole 14 months.  Wow.  That sounds so slight when I compare it to the 3, almost 4 years a friend of mine has waited to bring her son home tomorrow.

I've been learning so much about the power of thanksgiving.  It's a popular topic, and I haven't jumped on the bandwagon, but rather feel dragged along by it.  Kicking and screaming.  I'm trying, but it is so hard.  God has shown me that many of His answers come after a time of thanksgiving.  While I don't want to employ any type of magical formula to God, I realize that He does things on purpose, and this pattern may hold more than just a final wish known.  Perhaps in this journey of looking for that which I am thankful, I will realize how full my life is and pine less for what I wish.

I hear them...if I try.

Wishes

What do you wish for?

What is your greatest desire?

What fills your prayers?

My husband and I spent this morning talking together about just this topic.  We have been extremely frustrated by well-meaning Christians who "claim" promises of health, happiness, or hoards of other things and then don't receive that which they knew God would provide.  We have both had Godly people tell us that we should be very specific when in prayer and expect Him to answer favorably, because after all, God gives us the desires of our hearts.  Especially when we are earnestly praying and we are living what we believe to be God's will for our lives.  Surely then, He will give us what we want. (slight sarcasm here!)

What do we want?

When it comes down to it, for us, we only want one thing: we want God to be glorified in the life He has provided.  Period.

Our human nature occasionally makes us think we want things like new carpet, a fancy gun (that's my husbands), or a Smoothie King smoothie!  Sometimes we are cleverly told we should want things like our house to sell, good health, safety, etc.  Even our more recent desires to relinquish more of our financial blessings has tempted us to wish for more: so we can give more!  These thoughts float around us until we get back to the real center and reason for it all: Jesus.

I recently read (Yancy, Reaching for the Invisible God), "Christians in affluent countries tend to pray, 'Lord, take this trial away from us!'  I have heard prisoners, persecuted Christians, and some who live in very poor countries pray instead, 'Lord, give us the strength to bear this trial.'"

I'm pretty convinced God did not create us, provide His Son for us, give us His Spirit, strictly to make our lives comfortable.  Comfort does not generally facilitate close bonds and dependency.  I believe the Old Testament is filled with examples of this idea fleshed out.  I also believe that we are today just like the Israelites so long ago.  God created us, provided for us, lives in us to bring glory to Himself through relating with us.  When we are dependent on Him, do everything for Him, let go of our lives to be used for Him, He loves it, loves us, and is glorified through our obedience.  But He doesn't become our cosmic genie.  His goal is to make us more like Jesus, like Himself, because it really is the best option.  I really doubt this can happen comfortably at all times.  Fortunately, He does in turn provide us strength, joy, and abilities to progress until He determines we've gone as far as we can on this planet. This is a pretty huge idea that could have volumes extrapolated out, but I'll move on.

So with such a big picture, why is it so easy to focus on the little things?  I won't say I never ask God to help me with the little things, because I do, I just want the real motive to be to bring Him glory; not to have my wish fulfilled.  Who's glory is it if I get new carpet?  If I find my contact?  Why do I want my house to sell or my friend's child to be healed or my other friend's work to be calm?  Is it to bring comfort?  Is it to give God the credit and glorify Him?  Am I praying that in the horrible times my sister in Christ is trudging through, she will become so focused on Him that it will change her life, or am I just praying for ease?

Are we missing the blessing of being uncomfortable?  How can we know how fulfilling our Lord is if we never need Him?  Now, before I get an onslaught of messages telling of the blessings of God answering big and little prayers, I am not insinuating that He doesn't, won't, or shouldn't.  God does want us to ask Him for things, big and little, but secondary to living fully to glorify Him.  I have had some moments of God letting me know how interested He is in me by giving me some of those "genie wishes."  I just know that God wants way more for our relationship than that.  God wants me to grow and mature in my relationship with Him (which will serve to glorify Him, not me) and that may only come through the bond of a shared trial or other heart check to deny self.

Honestly, I don't intend to pray for trials to come.  I imagine they will all on their own.  I may just take pause, however, before I pray for them to pass or be removed.  Instead I hope I will look for my God's perspective and pray to grow through it.  I hope I do the same thing through positive experiences as well!

So, what do you wish for again?

I'm getting a little Caulk-y!

Yes, there's something missing here.  Caulk.  I spent all day working on re-caulking our bathroom.  I thought it would be a simple thing, as I had caulked doors and windows before with relative ease.  One thing I had neglected to consider was the preparation before the application.

You might have thought, as I did, that a simple razor blade device would easily lift off the old caulk and enable you to simple peel it away.  If that is what you thought, as I did, you would be mistaken, as I was.  I have a razor scraper thing that wore my thumb down to mix of pain and numbness.  I used this until I discovered our utility knife where it had no business being: stuffed between my wireless router and DSL "box."  Regardless, I was ecstatic to relieve my thumb as I scraped and cut away the old caulk.  I'd like to give more details, but as I doubt your interest would go any longer, suffice it to say, it took a LONG time.  My husband will love all those commas!  

I then reasoned I was ready, until I looked closer at the tile and tub.  No, I needed to clean this up.  Carefully.  I realized I had some cleaner from the late '90's that, much as I tried, was not even going to come out of the bottle and thus it was trashed.  I tried the Bar Keeper's Friend cleaner hoping the abrasive would help.  It didn't do much.  I was forced to pull out that razor thing that killed my thumb and scrape away the remaining slivers of caulk.  Then I pulled out my hair dryer from the closet (no I don't dry my hair - dryers are terrible for your hair!) and proceeded to make sure the surfaces and inside the cracks were dry.  THEN, I pulled out the vacuum.  I had to suck out all those tiny bits of caulk that I had cut loose only to jam into the cracks beyond where I could poke with the utility knife.  Preparation before the application.  All of this is important, as you know what a job looks like if you don't do the proper prep; terrible and it usually doesn't last long.

Writing this seems like it shouldn't have taken all day, but it seems I am easily distracted and did take moments to walk my dogs, run to the store for good caulk, eat, check my email; stuff like that.  

Finally I had prepared for the filling of the gaps!  And there were some gaps!

As I was prepping most of the day, it dawned on me that God works with us in a very like manner.  We are so excited to be a part of a great work that will look so wonderful, or even a simple thing, but before we begin, He has a lot of prep work to do on us.  We often have to release our hold on the surfaces that cover our flaws and open ourselves to being cleaned out by the Spirit.  It can be amazing and a bit scary to see what we've hidden and allowed to grow under the surface.  Only when it's open and laid bare can God cleanse us and then fill us with His purpose.  What may seem like a simple step of faith may require some serious prep work before He even allows us the opportunity.  Some preparations before the applications can take more time than others.

I'm reminding myself of this as we wait for our house to sell.

Of course, now with that bright white caulk, it looks like I need to keep working on that grout!  

Seriously.  Tile must have been invented by people who have others to clean it for them.  Or they didn't have hard water!

Hello? Hello? Can you hear me now?

This spring, we removed a large tree stump from between our house and garage.  It was no small feat.  In fact, it took a friend's backhoe (yes, we have a friend with his own backhoe) to dig out the surrounding soil, frost included, loosen up the roots with an ax, and then pull it out.  It took hours.  We then had a ton of backfill to do with the pit-run we had delivered earlier.  We had used this pit-run to create a positive drainage situation from our driveway to the backyard, without nearing the house or garage.  To say the least, there was a lot of pit-run.  In case you are not aware, pit-run is a "dirty sand" mixture used to form a base of buildings, driveways, etc.  It's heavy.  It settles.  It worked very well for our purposes.

Well, come to a couple days ago when I got home to find our phone not working.  It said on the receiver, "no line."  Strangely enough, my internet still worked.  Until the next day.

I called the phone company and they suggested I test the line from the exterior box and that they'd put a request in to repair it in a couple of days.  Super.  They did forward my line to my cell phone so I wouldn't miss any calls, which was nice.  

I came home from work and pulled out the princess phone; you know, the one with the "lanyard!"  I took it under the deck and opened the box and plugged the phone line into it.  Nothing.  Well, it looked like they'd be paying for the repairs, right?  Nope.  My handyman hubby came home and realized that our pit-run had pulled the main line out of the box as it settled.  Dang.  It was our fault.  The weight of our solution to our water issue had created a new disconnection.  

I hate it when that happens in my "real" life.  

I have felt so disconnected lately.  My husband can hardly believe that since I am so tied to my computer and phone.  It's not the same, though.  You know.  I wish I had been watching my "phone line" while setting up my solution for my "drainage problem."  Yeah, that's vague.  Sorry.  I'll clarify.  I have a great need to be connected to my family.  I love them tremendously.  They are incredibly valuable to me.  All of them.  I have not been able to spend time with them for a year and 3 months.  I was so set on solving the "problem" of when to come to help my sister with their travel needs to Africa that I pulled the plug on my connection.  This is all my doing.  I don't remember praying about or seeking a way to keep that connection solid, because my focus was on the other.  There's nothing detrimental about it, fortunately.  Just like our phone connection, it can be reconnected and resumed.  I'm just waiting for that to happen!  My connection is vital for me, not because I put them above my husband or that I don't rely on Jesus to meet my needs, but it's because I love them and I want to be a part of their lives.  I miss all the little things, and it's not the same to have to celebrate/grieve/live through big events through the airwaves.  I'm looking forward to the day I walk down the aisle at the airport to see familiar faces, some growing up, and I can feel a bit more connected.

In the meantime, I have been in this holding pattern waiting for our house to sell in order to see what God is going to have us do!  I was shown through our study of Experiencing God, that I need not wait.  He is working right now around me and all I have to do is join Him.  What am I waiting for?  Again I'm focusing on the weighty solution for one issue and it's disconnected me from the most important relationship.  This is a disconnect that can be immediately remedied!

Prep for Showings

I've been painting A LOT!  I totally repainted the upstairs (tv room) and bathroom and worked to clean out and eliminate clutter in order to streamline the rooms.  I've spent much energy preparing our home and trying to keep it ready for a last-minute showing.  To my dismay, the floors are incapable of staying clean.  Somehow the kitchen and bathroom continually need work.  Why can't we just live in the garage for a while?!

The thought occurred to me: How much to I prepare my heart (as Christ's home) for His coming?

I rarely give too much thought to the second coming or end times.  I tend to feel that dissecting the details of what may happen is a waste of time when, regardless of your views, the implications are exactly the same: Love God and Love People to show God's Love!  I was challenged, however, to ponder how ready I am to show myself to my Lord, whether He comes to me or I go to Him.

Do I have too much clutter in my life?  Am I hoarding things that speak more to the things of my own personal desires and not the desires of Christ?  If I was called to Him tomorrow, what would I want to clean up, remove, or redo?

One of the things that I am currently struggling with is my "purpose."  Because we have chosen to keep our family as it is, we do feel we are uniquely situated to do something.  I don't exactly know what.  It's part of our NEED LESS PROJECT.  We want to position ourselves to be able to be used in whatever way God calls us.  At this exact moment, I don't feel ready to meet Christ.  I want to redo a few things and I'm not sure how long to wait to begin.  I want to pursue purpose!  My heart is telling me there is more than what I am doing and that I have a calling that is greater.  Fortunately, I know God is working and as I am listening, I am confident that God will reveal His desires for me.  I'm pretty sure my life will be changing in the next year and I'm not sure how, exactly.  One more thing I can find comfort in, is that God is using this moment to prepare me for whatever it is He will do.  Time is never wasted.

In the time I have been given, I want to do better preparation.  I need to de-clutter and spruce up a few places in my life and spend a bit of effort on places that I have been letting go too long.

This is a showing for which I want to be prepared!

The Big Picture

This was us when we first entered Alaska; excited and without a clue! We had no agenda, no schedule, and no idea what we would do when we got here. Notice the truck behind us: it alone housed what we brought, along with the trailer and the clearly necessary canoe. We didn't need much then.

God has certainly brought us a long way from this moment 4 1/2 years ago. I think we have both matured in ways that would have only happened in this place. I know I have become much more self-sufficient (in good ways!) than I ever had been. Ironically, I have also become much more dependent than I would have ever believed.

My lack of appearances on this blog of late has been somewhat purposeful. I've been in avoidance mode. The blog-world has truly opened my eyes to the world and life beyond my comfortable places. I have been exposed to women who are fighting cancer, mom's dealing with unfathomable difficulties with their children, people who have dedicated their lives to loving the "least of these" in Africa, a woman who serves on a medical ship off the coast of Africa, and many others.

This exposure gives me a perspective on my own life that keeps me in check, if you will. When I have the correct view, I see my trials as minor in comparison. I don't discount them completely, but I don't give them the momentous focus. Well, lately I have been feeling very sorry for myself. Note the previous post! Yes, just moments after that entry was out, I blew up once again in a tirade of self-pity. I jokingly told myself I should read my own post again. Or maybe that was someOne else!

I have been feeling very alone lately. You see, we have no biological family up here, and I am very close to mine. We have had a lot of things happen this month in my family and it has hurt to be so far away missing in the joys and trials. I began to wallow in my aloneness. I would have moments of reality when friends would ask for prayer for situations much more dire than mine, but my mind would quickly relapse to my poor, poor self. In one of my pity parties, my oh-so-patient-husband challenged me to literally write down the blessings in my life. I told him I couldn't think of any that didn't conversely bring me pain. This is how deep I was sinking in my pit. I was sulking and refusing to look up.

Last week in our Bible study, Priscilla Shirer spoke about Moses. I could never do her justice, so please do her study, Discerning the Voice of God. We are in week 5. Moses had to wait 80 years to hear from God. He waited 40 of those in the desert. Not one of those individual days was wasted as God was using each moment to hone skills that Moses would need to lead God's people out of Egypt. I cannot imagine the level of patience Moses needed or the amount of self-control, wisdom, leadership, shepherding skills, desert information, determination, etc., that God worked into Moses's life to accomplish His will.

I have to admit, I'm afraid. I'm a little afraid that God will ask us to go further away from my family. Don't misunderstand, I would go in a heartbeat, but it would hurt. Sacrifices always do. I have no idea if anything like this would happen. I am being honed - dragged kicking and screaming, but nonetheless honed! I think my family would agree that obedience to Jesus far trumps family ties. Didn't He say something about that? Another post, perhaps!

I'm seeing a bit more clearly. I'm beginning to understand that whatever God purposes for me to do, I am being equipped right now. Not one day is being wasted. This day has a purpose for me, whether I see it or not. I doubt Moses saw the potential benefit in being able to lead a bunch of stupid sheep in the desert mountains. There is a bigger picture. I want to be part of it. I get to be part of it!

Monday's Mishap

I have never been able to make chocolate chip cookies.
Nope. Never.
What happens? Well, I don't know. They usually do not cook in the middle. Like these.


Lest you think I have not tried every possible difference on the planet, I have. I have tried:
Butter, Margarine, Shortening, 2 1/2 cups flour, 2 1/4 cups flour, even more flour, Muscovado brown sugar, light brown sugar, dark brown sugar, different amounts of brown vs. white sugar, many different flour mixes (especially now since my hubby is Celiac and cannot have wheat), tried airbake pans, stones, cheap cookie sheets, all with no real success. I am not really asking for tips. I have given up on trying to make a chocolate chip cookie that looks any different than this:

Let me tell you why.
This crumbly, gooey, crispy mess of a cookie may look hideous, but it still tastes good! It is perfectly filling it's purpose in its life. It is making our taste buds happy. It does not need to look good to do it.
I was simply going to share my mishap, but then it hit me. How are we like these cookies? Oh, yes, I'll go there!
We may not look like something lovely to the world, but God made us and we can fulfill His purpose for us. Pretty cheesy, I know.
It sort-of related to what I randomly posted on my facebook page. I did one of those "pick the closest book, turn to page 56, type in the 5th sentence" thing. That sentence was profound to me. "God does not always use us for tasks the world would think spectacular, powerful, or significant." This is from the book I'm reading, FINDING PURPOSE BEYOND OUR PAIN, by Meier & Henderson, MD's. We may not end up winning the prize for most spectacular looking, but I hope I make my maker's taste buds happy! Well, you know what I mean!
Here's to more mishaps that lead me closer to my Lord!