Jehovah-rapha

Wounded.  Healing.
This week in my small group we studied the name Jehovah-rapha, The Lord Who Heals.  This has not been an in-depth study of just this name, but all the names of Jesus (Lord, I Want to Know You by Kay Arthur).  This week just happened to be Jehovah-rapha.  Except nothing just happens to be.  I am loosing my presupposition that there are things that just happen to be with God's children.  I have been in need of some serious healing for some time now.  He knew this.  He came to me this week, the Great Physician.
As is likely common in everyone's life, a time of hurt seems to have arrived for me, in various forms.  Not one thing is happening to cause this, but what seems an overwhelming avalanche of pain is seeming to surround me and pin me down.  I've had an attitude of "suck it up" and tried to deal with it on my own.  After all, I figure, it could be worse.  And it could be worse.  A whole lot worse.  So many of these painful issues are not happening directly to me, but I am in the ripples.  I could be in the bullseye.  So I put my bandaid on and my strong facade.

I hate pulling bandages off.  It hurts.  I am a wimp, and I still have to ask my husband to do it for me, usually.  If he is not available, I take a hot shower to help steam it off!  Or I just leave it on an unnaturally long time.  This is not a good thing for the actual injury.
I have done this with my heart.  I have not brought my hurt to the One who Heals, but thought I wouldn't bother Him with my petty hurts.  I covered it up.  It began to need to be addressed.  It was beginning to fester.  It needed air.
I read a blog post by Beth Moore from August 10 and I realized that I hadn't been real with God about what I was doing with my heart.  In my quest to keep the God of the Universe from being too busy with trivial things of mine (sarcasm), I had begun to push my pain under the carpet so it wouldn't be seen or dealt with.  God already knows what's under there, but I needed to confess it and bring it out into the light.  I needed this reminder from Beth that I can be completely raw before my Lord.  Even if it is the most unGodly sounding rawness, it needs to come out.  My wounds needed to be exposed and washed out before a real infection set in.
I set before the Lord this week, and in tears, I told Him what I thought about how He was letting things go around here.  I told Him how much I hated it.  I told Him how much I hurt from others' actions and they didn't even get it.  I told Him how unfair it was.  I told Him lots of things.  Then my husband walked in, bless his heart!
In His infinite mercy and compassion, God did not send a bolt of lightning or leprosy or snakes or any other thing to tell me He is God and who am I?!  Instead He listened to me.  He empathized with me.  He reminded me that He felt these very things, (well, maybe not exactly) but He knew how it felt to be unjustly hurt and watch others hurt unjustly.  He knew the difficulty of taking the high road (the highest, in fact) when manipulated.  He knows it all.
 He has also heard it all.  I felt like the Israelites in the desert complaining of yet another perceived lack, when they had the visible presence of God traveling before them in the cloud, with manna from heaven on a daily basis.  I have the presence of God living inside me with the Gospel at my fingertips at any given moment and direct access to speak to Him.  And yet my first instinct is to try and heal myself.  I have reached the bitter waters at Marah, and yet God has given the tree to make it sweet.  He hung on it Himself.  All I have to do now is let His healing waters cleanse my wounds and keep it open to Him to heal.

Malachi 4:2a But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings.

Jeremiah 17:14  Heal me, O LORD, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for Thou art my praise.

Yes, Jesus, I will keep my heart open to you, all of it, so You can keep it clean and heal me by the blood of Your wounds.

Father's Day

Father's Day has had mixed feelings for me for the last many years.  I've struggled with knowing how to honor my dad while being extremely angry at my parents divorce.  Not having children ourselves has kept me from focusing on any other than my own Dad.

This year God has worked on my heart.  My fabulous Bible Study group and I have been going through Experiencing God, and recently have been discussing the love relationship with our Heavenly Father.  I have discovered that this is not necessarily an easy concept to grasp.  I had no idea.  I didn't quite realize that having an earthly father who was hard, abusive, or mean could have such implications on our adult perceptions of God as our Father.  I discovered that fear is a major component of many people's obedience to God, because that is what they learned from their earthly fathers.

My dad was not like that with me.  Don't get me wrong, I have an enormous dad who stands 6'3" tall and to a child, that is giant.  He isn't large on the width factor, but being a farmer, he was (and is) plenty strong.  In fact, I think my dad is one of the strongest men I've ever known.  Anyway, he was a formidable force when I disobeyed, and he was our ultimate threat when we were kids:  "Oh yeah?  Well, I'll go tell Dad!"  And yet, I have many memories of having him come up to bed and read us our bedtime Bible stories, teaching us how to pray, slathering Vicks Vapor-rub on our ticklish necks if we were sick, and being our bucking bronco until we were faint with giggles.  I remember being unafraid to ask him hard spiritual questions even very young, and he never made me feel like I was silly as he tried to lead me to find answers.

My dad taught me what a love relationship with my Father could look like, if only in a human glimpse.  Dad is not a perfect example, but he showed me how a father can be loving and demand obedience all at the same time.  I feared my discipline when I disobeyed, but I never feared my dad.  I knew he loved me.  I have easily come to understand what a love relationship with my Father can be because of my dad's love for me.  This is not a small gift.  This is what every dad is responsible for in their children.  That is a huge responsibility.  It won't be done perfectly, but it can be done to our human extent!

I'm so thankful this Father's Day that I have a Dad who showed me a portion of God's love.

Hello? Hello? Can you hear me now?

This spring, we removed a large tree stump from between our house and garage.  It was no small feat.  In fact, it took a friend's backhoe (yes, we have a friend with his own backhoe) to dig out the surrounding soil, frost included, loosen up the roots with an ax, and then pull it out.  It took hours.  We then had a ton of backfill to do with the pit-run we had delivered earlier.  We had used this pit-run to create a positive drainage situation from our driveway to the backyard, without nearing the house or garage.  To say the least, there was a lot of pit-run.  In case you are not aware, pit-run is a "dirty sand" mixture used to form a base of buildings, driveways, etc.  It's heavy.  It settles.  It worked very well for our purposes.

Well, come to a couple days ago when I got home to find our phone not working.  It said on the receiver, "no line."  Strangely enough, my internet still worked.  Until the next day.

I called the phone company and they suggested I test the line from the exterior box and that they'd put a request in to repair it in a couple of days.  Super.  They did forward my line to my cell phone so I wouldn't miss any calls, which was nice.  

I came home from work and pulled out the princess phone; you know, the one with the "lanyard!"  I took it under the deck and opened the box and plugged the phone line into it.  Nothing.  Well, it looked like they'd be paying for the repairs, right?  Nope.  My handyman hubby came home and realized that our pit-run had pulled the main line out of the box as it settled.  Dang.  It was our fault.  The weight of our solution to our water issue had created a new disconnection.  

I hate it when that happens in my "real" life.  

I have felt so disconnected lately.  My husband can hardly believe that since I am so tied to my computer and phone.  It's not the same, though.  You know.  I wish I had been watching my "phone line" while setting up my solution for my "drainage problem."  Yeah, that's vague.  Sorry.  I'll clarify.  I have a great need to be connected to my family.  I love them tremendously.  They are incredibly valuable to me.  All of them.  I have not been able to spend time with them for a year and 3 months.  I was so set on solving the "problem" of when to come to help my sister with their travel needs to Africa that I pulled the plug on my connection.  This is all my doing.  I don't remember praying about or seeking a way to keep that connection solid, because my focus was on the other.  There's nothing detrimental about it, fortunately.  Just like our phone connection, it can be reconnected and resumed.  I'm just waiting for that to happen!  My connection is vital for me, not because I put them above my husband or that I don't rely on Jesus to meet my needs, but it's because I love them and I want to be a part of their lives.  I miss all the little things, and it's not the same to have to celebrate/grieve/live through big events through the airwaves.  I'm looking forward to the day I walk down the aisle at the airport to see familiar faces, some growing up, and I can feel a bit more connected.

In the meantime, I have been in this holding pattern waiting for our house to sell in order to see what God is going to have us do!  I was shown through our study of Experiencing God, that I need not wait.  He is working right now around me and all I have to do is join Him.  What am I waiting for?  Again I'm focusing on the weighty solution for one issue and it's disconnected me from the most important relationship.  This is a disconnect that can be immediately remedied!

Grow!

I am so excited!

My group has decided to spend the summer Experiencing God!
 I think it's rather appropriate living up in Alaska.  I know other people think they live in "God's Country," but I think He made Alaska in His most favorite  mood!  The mountains here are breathtakingly beautiful, the lakes are too numerous to count, the rivers vary from trickles to raging, and the wildlife is unbeatable.  All of these things are just beginning to emerge as the snow slowly melts and disappears.

It's actually my least favorite time of year. 

I've never liked spring.  It's such a tease.  You want and expect it to be all flowers and sunshine and it rarely cooperates.  Even when I lived in Kansas it was either too short and gave way to the blistering temperatures of summer, or it was simply bleak and dreary.  Yes, I'm a bit over-dramatic.

It's way worse in Alaska.  It has been a month of melting that reveals the brown and gray of the landscape, a stark contrast to the brilliant white of winter or the all-consuming greens of summer.  It's mucky and wet and cold.  I know I should be used to the cold, but when you are expecting the warmth, it makes the cold colder.  I joke that I "get" to experience an Alaskan winter, which is incredibly gorgeous, but then have to go through a Kansas winter which we call "Break-up."  The name is pretty self-explanatory, but this is when all the snow and ice break up and melt.  It looks like Kansas in the winter: gray and lifeless.  (I liken the bits of green in the fields of winter wheat to the spruce trees that break up the monotonous white and gray birch and aspen trunks.)
All this to say that I'm in such a need for a Spiritual Spring!  I'm ready to have my subdued Christian walk burst forth and sprout into something alive!  I'm ready to feel the Son warm me and make me grow this summer, and I'm excited about it!  As I am a plant person, these types of analogies resonate with me.  They are a little bit cheesy, but alas, that is my favorite food, so I suppose it's bound to come through.

Seriously, though, I walked around my yard yesterday when the sun warmed it to a balmy 49 degrees, and began to clear away the old debris around my perennials flowers.  Most of these were planted later last summer and didn't have too long to take root, so I'm curious as to what made it through our relatively mild winter.  As I pulled the wet and decayed leaves off the bases of the plants, I began to see tiny little peaks of green emerging.  I would position myself so I could kneel as close as possible without setting myself upon one of these hidden gems and bend down to get as close of a look as I could.  The sun was warming the mulch and I could smell the moist earth mingling with the threat of mosses and leaf mold.  It's a fabulous scent to this nose.  I began my daily walk-throughs a while ago when the first beds were appearing with little to no signs of life.  Lately, our weather has been warming, so my frustrations are easing and I'm seeing more and more.  A couple of times, I would uncover the expansion of a plant, and that usually makes me ecstatic!  I'm fond of the "bullies" and have little use for flowers that take an exceptional amount of babying.  I love to see my little leaves poking up through the barely warmed soil and I can't wait to see how much bigger it will be this year!  They always get bigger, you know.  And the bigger they get the more spectacular they are, but if they get too big, they can start to die out and need to be divided.
I can't wait to grow this summer!  I heartily dislike the notion that Bible Studies should disband for the summer.  In the craziness and fun of summer, I still need growth and Godly women to surround me.  I am so incredibly happy that I am not alone!  The great thing about it is I feel that I can expect the growth to happen, I am anticipating God to work in me and our group, and there will be no disappointed waiting for "spring" to arrive.  I can't wait to see the result!  I would even like to see an eventual "dividing."  I don't see it in our near future, but could honestly see each one of the members of our group leading a group someday.  For now, though, I'll brace myself and prepare to grow and Experience God!

The Big Picture

This was us when we first entered Alaska; excited and without a clue! We had no agenda, no schedule, and no idea what we would do when we got here. Notice the truck behind us: it alone housed what we brought, along with the trailer and the clearly necessary canoe. We didn't need much then.

God has certainly brought us a long way from this moment 4 1/2 years ago. I think we have both matured in ways that would have only happened in this place. I know I have become much more self-sufficient (in good ways!) than I ever had been. Ironically, I have also become much more dependent than I would have ever believed.

My lack of appearances on this blog of late has been somewhat purposeful. I've been in avoidance mode. The blog-world has truly opened my eyes to the world and life beyond my comfortable places. I have been exposed to women who are fighting cancer, mom's dealing with unfathomable difficulties with their children, people who have dedicated their lives to loving the "least of these" in Africa, a woman who serves on a medical ship off the coast of Africa, and many others.

This exposure gives me a perspective on my own life that keeps me in check, if you will. When I have the correct view, I see my trials as minor in comparison. I don't discount them completely, but I don't give them the momentous focus. Well, lately I have been feeling very sorry for myself. Note the previous post! Yes, just moments after that entry was out, I blew up once again in a tirade of self-pity. I jokingly told myself I should read my own post again. Or maybe that was someOne else!

I have been feeling very alone lately. You see, we have no biological family up here, and I am very close to mine. We have had a lot of things happen this month in my family and it has hurt to be so far away missing in the joys and trials. I began to wallow in my aloneness. I would have moments of reality when friends would ask for prayer for situations much more dire than mine, but my mind would quickly relapse to my poor, poor self. In one of my pity parties, my oh-so-patient-husband challenged me to literally write down the blessings in my life. I told him I couldn't think of any that didn't conversely bring me pain. This is how deep I was sinking in my pit. I was sulking and refusing to look up.

Last week in our Bible study, Priscilla Shirer spoke about Moses. I could never do her justice, so please do her study, Discerning the Voice of God. We are in week 5. Moses had to wait 80 years to hear from God. He waited 40 of those in the desert. Not one of those individual days was wasted as God was using each moment to hone skills that Moses would need to lead God's people out of Egypt. I cannot imagine the level of patience Moses needed or the amount of self-control, wisdom, leadership, shepherding skills, desert information, determination, etc., that God worked into Moses's life to accomplish His will.

I have to admit, I'm afraid. I'm a little afraid that God will ask us to go further away from my family. Don't misunderstand, I would go in a heartbeat, but it would hurt. Sacrifices always do. I have no idea if anything like this would happen. I am being honed - dragged kicking and screaming, but nonetheless honed! I think my family would agree that obedience to Jesus far trumps family ties. Didn't He say something about that? Another post, perhaps!

I'm seeing a bit more clearly. I'm beginning to understand that whatever God purposes for me to do, I am being equipped right now. Not one day is being wasted. This day has a purpose for me, whether I see it or not. I doubt Moses saw the potential benefit in being able to lead a bunch of stupid sheep in the desert mountains. There is a bigger picture. I want to be part of it. I get to be part of it!

Listening

I guess it's not just me. Bella gets this way, too. Just a bit less motivated to even hold my head up!
Actually, I just had a "slumber-party" with a friend and I'm sleepy!

Have you ever asked Jesus for something and He completely gives it to you? I have been studying Priscilla Shirer's Discerning the Voice of God. The very first week, she encouraged me to Anticipate hearing from God! If I'm not expecting it, I won't be listening. Bingo.
The last few weeks I feel like I have tapped a vein of pure gold. He really does speak all the time! It's not some Sound of Music moment where I'm up on a meadow spinning and singing and He opens the heavens and thunders with His voice. It's definitely the still, small voice.
Just today, He guided me in a communication I felt I needed to make and I'm so glad He did. I was mistaken in my conclusions, and had I gone my way, it could have been much worse. As it is, I was easily able to apologize and clear things up without completely sticking my foot in my mouth. Why He chose to save my pride a bit is beyond me, but I am thankful.
This also has proven to me that once you get the taste of intimate conversation with Jesus, you just want more. Way more. It's just so practical! The amazing thing is, He wants it too! The only "glitch" is that you have to take His advice or He really will quit giving it to you. No more of the asking "what do you think?" if you have no intention of changing your plans. That reminds me of the saying we had at a church we used to attend: "Yes, Lord! Now, what's the question?" You have to be careful if you are sincere in this, because He just may ask you for something supremely difficult. The rewards will supremely worth it.
I'm loving the conversations. I'm going to keep listening. It's much more rewarding to have conversations that are two-way!
That's something to keep my head up!

Makin' a Name, Monday

When we first moved to Alaska, I began to rethink my goals in life. Instead of my high school dreams of becoming a corporate big-wig and financially successful, I began to think that my new God-given title was to be "World's Best Wife." As corny as sappy as that sounds, I'm incredibly serious. I began to really have moments (albeit short-lived) of putting my desires and needs below another's. I tried so many new things and determined to enjoy them! Unbeknownst to me, I actually did enjoy many of the crazy adventures. I discovered that I like to canoe, and really, can it be more beautiful?!I also discovered that, although I don't love the hard work per se, I love reaching a goal of ascending a new height on a hike. I can't wait to get snowshoes. I enjoyed snowmachining (riding a snowmobile for you "outsiders"), and I discovered that I don't like it enough to keep the machine. I love walking the dogs in the woods. I love being able to see mountains. I love catching Silver Salmon on the second day of the Swanson River Canoe trip. I love seeing all the bears. I mostly love the joy my husband has when he gets to participate in all his enjoyments! I love making him proud of me when I accomplish something that he's taught me.

In all of that self-awareness, I must confess that this selflessness is a hard fought fight every time. I am a second child that constantly wishes for acknowledgment. Since I can remember, I have been building my own bricks to make myself a tower for others to see and give me my acclaim. If not acclaim, at least acknowledgment. I wanted to make a individual name for myself, not connected to anyone else and better than anyone else.
I had never thought much about the tower of Babel story having much implication for my life. Oh, isn't God funny! I was truly struck in my Thursday Group when Jennifer talked about how we do the exact same thing. I have been so determined to carve out a name for myself that I didn't realized that God already named me. I am enough to be His. What could possibly be greater? Living Stones trump bricks any day.

Monday Morning

This is my sunrise this morning. I just stepped outside and took this picture from my back porch. It's really quite lovely. Living up here, I often feel in awe of the beauty of God's creation. I told my husband recently that I hoped heaven had a place outside of the New Jerusalem that had mountains, and that I wanted to be there instead of the "city." As ludicrous as that likely sounded to God, I think there's a reason why mountainous regions evoke heavenly awe. At least for me, they do! I realize there can be beauty in the desert, but the desolation quickly overcomes me. No hard feelings, desert-dwellers (literal ones)!

I'm reading the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan (Bloom book club), and finished chapter 5 recently. Chapters 4 and 5 are like a 1-2 punch. In the gut. I imagine, as I've no recollection of ever being punched in the gut. These chapters have made me really look at what I consider myself to be, as far as "Christian" goes.
To make matters "worse," I've also started the Me, Myself, and Lies Bible Study by Jennifer Rothschild with my Thursday night group. I honestly didn't think I was perpetually telling myself lies. Is there a 3-punch? Perhaps it was an uppercut. Anyway, I have begun to realize that my lie-telling self has been building up my pride with things like "I deserve to have that", "You are doing enough", "They are lucky to have you, and they don't even realize it." Then I have that false humility of realizing my pride and going the opposite: "You don't even have a bachelor's degree; what do you know?", "You made some serious lapses of judgment while you were a Christian. Your testimony is marred beyond repair."
So, how do these beat-down sessions connect? Well, I have realized how far I fall short in what I give to my Creator. I see everyday how much He has given to me, if only in the Creation He so perfectly gave. He made not only this amazing and complex world that the Discovery Channel so beautifully displays (though it's seriously flawed in it's interpretations), but He made me. He made me on purpose. For a purpose.
To put myself on a pedestal and elevate my needs above my Lords, is a seriously ridiculous action. I do it all the time. I pat my proverbial "god" on the head and tell him it's enough for now, and I'll get back to him later. After all, I've done a fair share. On the flip side, it's just as preposterous to tell the One who made me of all the flaws in His work, or what He made won't work like He wants.
Am I that puffed up? I don't think that's a lie. I think that's one truth in that "thought closet" that needs to clean out some of the garbage that's been collecting. My creator gave me everything I have. He has also given me the ability to give it all back. The strange thing is, if I do, I'll receive even greater gifts, though that is not the motivation. Jesus told us to give EVERYTHING if we truly love Him. Look what He gave. I am so lucky to have Him, and I don't even realize it.
Well, sometimes I do.

Monday's Mocha on the Mount

I have started a study by Sandra Glahn called Mocha on the Mount. It is, probably obviously, about the sermon on the mount. I've been stuck on the concept of "blessing." I was really moved by the author's revelation that blessings are not what we typically think; money, health, anything else that we desire. Blessing "depends on being rightly related to God despite external circumstances."
When am I blessed?
When I am poor in spirit, when I mourn (over my sinful state), when I am meek (humble, gentle and lowly), when I am hungry and thirsty for righteousness, when I am merciful, when I am pure in heart, when I can be a peacemaker, and when I am persecuted for my righteousness.
Nowhere does Jesus say I am blessed when I have more money than I thought so I can buy a new couch, or when my day of fishing is good when I have a pantry full of food, or any other moment when I've received more than I deserve and choose to keep it for myself.
True, these things can possibly bring me blessing, but only if it brings me closer to my Savior.

In church yesterday, we had a visitor who spoke about the truly impoverished in Kenya. He spoke about how his ministry brought Jesus to children along with soccer and clean drinking water. He spoke about how these are the people about whom Jesus referred to when he last told his disciples to "GO!" These are the nations that need to hear about Jesus and these are the nations that are persecuted for righteousness.

Am I blessed? I don't really know. In my comfy American terms, yes. In my uncomfortable, low, persecuted terms, no. I have to be honest and agree in part with Ken Gire in The Reflective Life, as quoted in the study:
"But honestly I want to be like the Christ who turned water into wine, not the Christ who thirsted on a cross. I want to be the clothed Christ, not the one whose garment was stripped and gambled away. I want to be the Christ who fed the five thousand, not the one who hungered for forty days in the wilderness.... This is the dark side of Christianity, the side we don't see when we sign up. That if we want to be like Christ, we have to embrace both sides of His life. What else could it mean when the Bible talks about 'the fellowship of His suffering'? How could we enter that fellowship apart from suffering? How could we truly know the Man of Sorrows acquainted with grief if we had not ourselves known grief and sorrow?"

Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to them. Matthew 5:10

Important Things

My husband and I have this amazing invention in our home: a DVR. We are able to record shows that we enjoy, then view them later. Strangely, the programming we prefer seems to be "live" at very odd hours, so this is a fabulous thing for us. It has also improved our communications. I often have very important thoughts that need expressing at that particular moment, lest I forget them later, and Pat can pause the television and give me his complete attention. This can also work in reverse. I think it should be included in every marriage counselor's suggested purchases.
One show that we have found entertaining is called "Important Things with Demetri ..." I forgot his last name. (This is why I must vocalize my thoughts - I really do forget) This show focuses on one topic or item and comedically spends the 30 minutes discussing various aspects of it. We find the dryness quite humorous.
I have been pondering a topic lately that drove me to my next memory verse. Important Things. This is a topic that could be very broad, but is it? Could it really be simple? A jumbled thought process follows!
Our study in group has been focusing on feeling important. One chapter suggested that we, as women, judge our value in concrete terms, though our deeds are often not concrete. I can't remember the last time I came home thinking of all the specific times I stopped to listen to someone who obviously needed an ear. That's not really a measurable situation. I guess I could time anything that happens as such in order to form a concrete measure. Reaching out to give someone a hug in a tough time can help in immeasurable ways. So can a phone call. A note. A helping hand.
The author of the study suggested that this measuring was a masculine device that we've taken up to try to put value on our actions that we clearly cannot measure, making us feel inadequate. Truly only God can possibly know the ramifications of all the little things we do. Sometimes we get to do big things that have much more visible results. Sometimes we only value those things. Are those the only Important Things? What does God say about the Important Things? I found this familiar verse telling me something deeper this last week.
Luke 16:10 tells us that "He who is faithful in a VERY LITTLE THING is faithful also in much; and he who is unrighteous in a VERY LITTLE THING is unrighteous also in much." (NASB, Emphasis mine)
Important Things are VERY LITTLE THINGS! Consistancy in anything seems to be lacking in our culture today, and it is needed. Doing the little things that seem so unimportant help to build that consistancy, which then does build character. That makover theme again pushes me to want to be in character with Christ. That means in the little things. Letting a child sit on His lap. Going to dinner with a new acquaintance. A touch. I doubt anyone thought those things little when Jesus did them. I think our human nature desires to be important and we've equated that with big things. Jesus is clear when He tells us it's the little things that matter first. How we deal with the little things will determine what we do with the big things, good or bad. We may get chances to do great big things, but we have to make the little things, Important Things.

Sea Glass Sign

I remind you that last week I found my first piece of sea glass. I don't often walk the beach, as it is usually cool, windy, and difficult to walk on! I have yet to be enamored by agates, though I do enjoy finding funky rocks that imagine I'll do something with later. I have yet to do anything with my growing collection of funky rocks. Regardless, it is something to keep my eyes occupied while the dogs run and exercise. I'd never even thought to look for sea glass. In my wildest dreams I'd hoped to find an old Japanese glass net globe, but figured I'd buy one for $7 down in Homer someday. I was thrilled at seeing that little piece of green glittering at me from the common pebbles that surrounded it. I almost didn't believe it was real. I mean, I knew it was glass, but I figured it must just be a broken bottle piece since I wasn't near the usual tide line, but up higher where it was firmer footing. When I picked it up, I discovered it had been tumbled, smoothed with no sharp edges.

It dawns on me that I think I might be tumbling. I'm confronting an issue that I had hoped to avoid at most costs. Living away from it, I had succeeded thus far. It is not to continue that way. It was really inevitable. I hope to emerge with soft edges, but the tumbling is not pleasant. Back to the sign...

I had not shared much about the start of the Women's Group. This was in part because I felt a little disappointed. In myself. Without a study, I had not really prepared anything else, and for two weeks relied on God's leading. That sounds good, but what it really was, was lazy. On Wednesday, after I checked the mail and found nothing, I began to take another look at materials that the church already had in stock. I picked up a book and I was shocked!

On the front cover was a picture of a jar of sea glass! I made some kind of exclamation and asked my husband if it was a sign. He said "no." I wasn't too sure. Thursday, I went to church, retrieved the supply of books and studies and waited. After I shared my sign possibility to the rest of the gals at group, two more shared sea glass experiences they've had within the last two weeks! I think it was a sign! They all agreed! We've begun to read the book and workbook, You Matter More Than You Think by Dr. Leslie Parrot. It's subtitle is "what a woman needs to know about the difference she makes." I think it will be just what God wanted us to do right now. I give up! I also feel so encouraged. I'm excited to start a summer study and to have direction. The gals are great and I am so blessed to be included in their lives. I can't wait to know them more! Thank all of you for praying.

Tonight, Tonight!

Tonight is my debut as a Bible Study Leader! Am I ready? Why not? The study that I ordered did not come in. I had planned for it, so I don't have much of a backup plan, though I knew I should have made a plan B! Plan, plan, plan...
I know the plans I have for you...
Oh, I'm not in the least worried. God knows what we need for tonight, so I don't have to do ALL the planning. It may just be that this week is a week to specifically pray for particular people each day. I think I just lied a little. I WAS worried, but I have been calmed! Last night I was in a huge worry and panic trying to come up with a perfect week-long study. Just one week. I was thinking up questions and even trying to gather cross-references. Then I realized God's timing is perfect, and for His reasons, the study will start next week. No panic necessary!
I would ask for anyone to pray for me tonight. I will be giving my testimony. I want the focus to be wholly on God's transforming power in my life, not on "my" story. I don't want to lead anyone to think that they can continue in sin since God will forgive them until they feel that they can get back on track. I want to convey the freedom I have in living in Christ. I hope to share the fulfillment I receive from Him alone. My story isn't earth-shattering, and I think it will resonate with many. My life is far from perfect, either in my living it or in the blessings I receive. Life is still hard, but with Christ it is LIFE!
I did find the verse in Proverbs about the value of close friends. It is Proverbs 27:10 "Do not forsake your own friend or your father's friend, And do not go to your brother's house in the day of calamity; Better is a neighbor who is near than a brother far away."
I hope to be a better neighbor to these women. Many of us are far away from our families, and we need to gather together and support each other. I hope to be an example of Godly friendship!