Loaded Camel

The last couple of weeks, especially, I have been battling a huge array of feelings.  My thoughts have been jumping to conclusions that have some basis in reality, but nothing confirmed.  

I am afraid.

I am afraid of being miserable.

I'm afraid of failing.

These are things I am readily able to admit, but I wonder how much of this fear is clouding and affecting my judgements.  Fortunately, I have a brother-in-law who is wise and understanding, and extremely diplomatic, who has helped me to see what I could be doing to my self-ascribed former clear mindedness.  These are his words:

I'm loading the camel.

You've likely heard the phrase, "The straw that broke the camels back."  In allowing my mind to fill with negative thoughts (beyond the realistic questions), I have begun to load the camel.  In making assumptions that have resulted in frustrations, having unrealistic expectations that inevitably result in disappointments, I have loaded the camel.  In not communicating in a way that asks for the information that I desired that brings me a feeling of distrust due to a lack of communication, I have loaded the camel.  I am just setting myself up for that proverbial last straw.

So, am I really open to what God may want for me?  I want to be, but it is extremely difficult to allow myself to see what God wants over my load.  Especially if I have it so densely packed.

I am preparing to go on a journey that desperately needs a lighter load.  I have been praying that God will help me unload the camel, give Him the weight, and trust His leading.  An amazing oasis might be just over the hill.

Wicked Weeds

Dandelions.

They are everywhere.  Really, I've seen them.  

I cannot believe how beautiful they can be, especially if they are not in my flower beds.  

 I have to admit, there were several amazing specimens in my lawn back in Alaska.  Especially once I started to fertilize said lawn.  They are really quite a beautiful and rugged flower.

So rugged, in fact, that it is very difficult to get rid of them.  One thing that does help to eliminate them, other than meticulously hand picking each and every one with the entire root system, is to first feed them.  This may sound counterintuitive, but it serves a purpose.  When plants are at their best, they are able to store food all the way through their system.  This is when it is optimum to apply the desired product of destruction.  It's almost like you get in good with the dandelion, and BAM!  Take 'em out.  It's a bit harsh but effective.

I was reading in Psalm 92 today.  Verse 7 states:

"That when the wicked

sprouted up like grass

And all who did iniquity

flourished,

It was only that they might

be destroyed

forevermore."

Sometimes I wonder if God does the same thing with evil as I do with dandelions in the lawn.  God was the original landscape designer, and I know He hates the weeds that come into His creation, slowly sucking the nutrients and moisture away from what He has sown.  Could it be that when we see all the evil in this world, and the seeming lack of consequences, that it's just a matter of time before the BAM!?  It gives me a little bit of solace knowing that even though the wicked weeds are showing themselves off to be something of beauty, their seemingly uninhibited splendor will be destroyed.  I can rest in this.  I can know that the evil that enslaves, kills, mutilates, and inflicts any other number of pains, will be destroyed.  Forevermore.

New Year, New Adventures!

I'm going to honest.  (like I'm not usually!)  I getting more and more apprehensive about moving to Africa.  

Probably not a huge surprise to anyone who has actually done anything new.  That pretty much includes everyone.  Basically, the idea has been very romantic and the closer it comes, the more realistic I am becoming.  

Romantic (above) vs Realistic (below)

 Romantic vs. Realistic

 Romantic vs. Realistic

It's going to be hard.  Very hard.  I'm not exactly sure the extent of all the different ways it will be hard, but I can pretty confidently guess that every aspect of my life will change.  

I have been in a process of transferring my trust from people to God.  One might think that she has done this once she gave her life to Him, but in my world that doesn't just happen.  It is clearly an ongoing process, not a box to check.  I am realizing how little I actually trust God to direct my life.  I continue to see all the places where I place my trust on myself, my husband, or others.  I have been disappointed.  As long as I trust people to guide me, I will be disappointed.  I may not feel let down at first, but it will happen.  Every time.  With God, I may feel let down at first as I struggle to discover His purposes, but I will never be disappointed in the end.  Ever.  

As this new year dawns, it brings new adventures and experiences that I am anxious about, but also excited.  I can only imagine where God will take me, how He will grow me, and what kind of person I will become through this year.  From Alaska to Africa - who'd have ever guessed?!

(Thanks to D. H. (my boss) for the use of these pictures of his trip to Ghana!)

Journeys

My husband is so funny!  He seems to be so cautious that he very much hesitates to make anything "official," but since I throw caution to the wind, I can feel comfortable stating that we are now planning on moving to Ghana!

Why the caution?  Well, we have been in a position of making announcements of plans in the past that never came to fruition.  Though this has not been from anything on our part, he still seems to want to proceed cautiously with anything definite.  I understand.  It's hard to go back on what you've told people you plan to do.  There end up being a lot of questions that make it seem like we are the flighty ones.  Fortunately, that label isn't one that I worry about!  I choose to see it that we are always open to God's leading and that includes stopping in one direction to going in another.  We are flexible. I think that will come in very handy in the next year or so.

I am not anxious about moving to Africa.  I know there will be a LOT of things to get done in the next months to prepare to move, but anxiety isn't an emotion I go to often.  Usually, if anything, I get frustrated at the pace of change.  It doesn't seem to go fast enough for me.  I see a goal and I want to get there.  Now.  I'm working on that, or rather, God is working on that in me.  I am learning to see the journey as a valuable experience, not just the destination; literally and figuratively!

Revelations

I am not just a little bit excited for the snow to melt here!  I mentioned on my other blog that I could relate to the excitement of the thaw in The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe!  I see every tiny change in the landscape that reveals just a little bit more.  

For some reason I find great hope in the ever-enlarging reveals.  I have much more hope this year that our house will sell and we will be moving on to whatever God calls us.  I'm actually having more of a hard time guarding my heart against the possibilities.  The future looks so bright I'm having difficulty living in the present.  I just want to "GO!"  It is so hard to wait for the snow to melt and reveal that which is really there.

Stepping Out

Yeah, this moose is just prancing on the top of the quickly melting lake ice.  This is actually a rare sight, as they typically have more sense than this.  Plus there's no food out there.  It's all around the safe shores. But isn't it fun?!  Daring...Exciting, even?!    

 I feel a little like stepping out.

OK, not exactly.  This was my "Easter Outfit."

Notice the rotting ice behind me.  A day or two before this shot and a day or two after the moose was out, I stepped out on the ice and heard a huge POP!  The ice cracked loudly.

The funny thing was, instead of stepping back onto the safe shores, I ran out onto the ice into the middle.    

You see, the ice is really thick in the middle and thinner around the edge.  

I find it really interesting that I chose this direction instead of the safe shore walk.  It would have been longer, but certainly safer.  (The only real danger was dipping a few inches - the ice is still feet thick!)

I feel a little like my life is very similar.  I feel like I just heard the POP and my next move is to jump out, not back.  I'm needing to run out to the middle where even though I know it's solid, my adrenaline is pumping!  I also know that when I get across, I'm going to have to trust that I can jump to safety again.  It also feels like it shouldn't make sense: like the moose, it doesn't feel like there's anything out here.  I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing, and there is certainly a burst of fear-ridden adrenaline, but ultimately I know I'll be safe.  

God does not ask us or push us out to places where we will sink.  He does put us in places where we will sink without Him.  He wants our complete dependence, complete trust, complete self.  I want to step out in complete reliance on my Savior who put Himself on a Cross for me.  There is nothing He will ask of me that will compare to what He did for me.

I'm getting a little Caulk-y!

Yes, there's something missing here.  Caulk.  I spent all day working on re-caulking our bathroom.  I thought it would be a simple thing, as I had caulked doors and windows before with relative ease.  One thing I had neglected to consider was the preparation before the application.

You might have thought, as I did, that a simple razor blade device would easily lift off the old caulk and enable you to simple peel it away.  If that is what you thought, as I did, you would be mistaken, as I was.  I have a razor scraper thing that wore my thumb down to mix of pain and numbness.  I used this until I discovered our utility knife where it had no business being: stuffed between my wireless router and DSL "box."  Regardless, I was ecstatic to relieve my thumb as I scraped and cut away the old caulk.  I'd like to give more details, but as I doubt your interest would go any longer, suffice it to say, it took a LONG time.  My husband will love all those commas!  

I then reasoned I was ready, until I looked closer at the tile and tub.  No, I needed to clean this up.  Carefully.  I realized I had some cleaner from the late '90's that, much as I tried, was not even going to come out of the bottle and thus it was trashed.  I tried the Bar Keeper's Friend cleaner hoping the abrasive would help.  It didn't do much.  I was forced to pull out that razor thing that killed my thumb and scrape away the remaining slivers of caulk.  Then I pulled out my hair dryer from the closet (no I don't dry my hair - dryers are terrible for your hair!) and proceeded to make sure the surfaces and inside the cracks were dry.  THEN, I pulled out the vacuum.  I had to suck out all those tiny bits of caulk that I had cut loose only to jam into the cracks beyond where I could poke with the utility knife.  Preparation before the application.  All of this is important, as you know what a job looks like if you don't do the proper prep; terrible and it usually doesn't last long.

Writing this seems like it shouldn't have taken all day, but it seems I am easily distracted and did take moments to walk my dogs, run to the store for good caulk, eat, check my email; stuff like that.  

Finally I had prepared for the filling of the gaps!  And there were some gaps!

As I was prepping most of the day, it dawned on me that God works with us in a very like manner.  We are so excited to be a part of a great work that will look so wonderful, or even a simple thing, but before we begin, He has a lot of prep work to do on us.  We often have to release our hold on the surfaces that cover our flaws and open ourselves to being cleaned out by the Spirit.  It can be amazing and a bit scary to see what we've hidden and allowed to grow under the surface.  Only when it's open and laid bare can God cleanse us and then fill us with His purpose.  What may seem like a simple step of faith may require some serious prep work before He even allows us the opportunity.  Some preparations before the applications can take more time than others.

I'm reminding myself of this as we wait for our house to sell.

Of course, now with that bright white caulk, it looks like I need to keep working on that grout!  

Seriously.  Tile must have been invented by people who have others to clean it for them.  Or they didn't have hard water!

Ups and Downs

It was best of times, it was the worst of times.
It's been a weird time, these last couple weeks.
The great news, is that our fundraising for my sister's adoption is going well! If you are interested in helping support their adoption expenses and receive a gorgeous piece of iron art made from my extremely talented husband, just leave a comment! He is continually expanding and creating! I'm so incredibly excited to pass this blessing on to my sister and her family.
The very disappointing news, is that their referral has still not come. It has been heartbreaking to see more and more people receive their referral only to have my sister not receive hers. I am thrilled for the other people, and I know that my sister's wait is not nearly as long as others, but that doesn't diminish the difficulty. I don't know exactly how it works, but I think my heart hurts almost as much as hers. It's a bit different, as I want to know who this little boy is, but I also hurt for her. All I do know is that there is a little boy who is very specifically chosen by God to be their son, and it's taking a little longer to connect those dots by those here on earth. We just have to rest in knowing that God is indeed working!
On the positive side, our dog has had her puppies and has 9 healthy little ones! They are almost cute, but you may know, newborn puppies are rarely cute. They tend to be a little rodent-like. In a couple weeks when their eyes are open, they will be much cuter!
On the negative, I have not been getting much sleep. I have been awakened by puppy sounds about every 2-3 hours. Do I need to get up every time? Well, we have lost a puppy due to being laid on, so yes, I do. I do not want to go through that again. It was sad. I felt like I'd let it happen. Oh, and it also smells. Puppies don't always smell good - just like babies. They have the same bodily functions that are apparently quite healthy and regular. They also don't avoid it, so it ends up being all over, well, all over. Yes, icky. I'm doing much laundry. Have I mentioned that having puppies has never been my favorite? Yes, that doesn't help my negative emotions about having to get up multiple times at night, cleaning up poo, and getting all the paperwork ready for the impending sales blitz. Fortunately, they are labs which are so stinking cute, they practically sell themselves.
My fabulous esposo is still not on a regular work schedule, but he is definitely working. God has provided for our daily bread and also provided a way to help others. We have had such a period of growth learning to trust God for our provisions and not rely on our own ways. It has also given us more perspective on what is really ours (roughly nothing) and how we can use what we've been given, to honor Him. What could have been a real negative has become an amazing positive.
On a funny note, last week when my man was out working in another town (on a boat, no less), was when a nasty storm hit. It snowed 6 inches and then began to rain. Not a good combo with overhead power lines and trees. Our electricity went out and long story short, I was without power or heat (wood or electric) all day. The candles against the mirror was my lighting for the evening since our sun sets at 3:30. It was lovely, but chilly. I hadn't been more thankful for electricity! Fascinating that these things happen when "alone!" Fortunately, that was before the puppies came, also when I was alone.
I have to admit, in conjunction with the lack of meaningful sleep, I'm being hit with the "winter blues." It happens up here. The "Land of the Midnight Sun" also is the "land of the mid-day sunset." The latter much less exciting, though less obnoxious than the former! I love winter and the snow and crystallized trees today were breathtaking. Literally. It was too cold to yawn or breathe deeply! It's a tough couple months, December and January, with the lack of sunlight for me. I have a Happy Lite, so I hope it will be an effective tool! That and sleep!
A random up and down post, I know. Just a little opening up, just in case your days aren't all up and cheery either. But I hope to keep remembering all the positives and keep the blessings God has given in the forefront of my "thought closet!"

Walking on Water

Today was the first day I walked across our small lake. It's a 5 acre lake for which I have discovered a deep affinity. I've never lived on waterfront, so I didn't know it was anything special when we bought our house 2 years ago. I love watching the changes occur and the wildlife that also enjoys the water.
I have been anticipating with joy the moment I could again walk across our water. It gives me and our dogs freedom to run around without the threat of motor vehicles surprising us. The water has actually been frozen for a while, but I was a bit nervous to walk too far out. The edges are the first to freeze and the first to thaw, so the middle is always the "iffy." About a week ago, I began to take a couple steps out on the frozen edge. There was no snow like above, and it was clear through to the lilies on the bottom. I could see frozen suspended bubbles at least 2 inches down, but still... I know that this is sufficient thickness to walk upon and the quality of clear ice is the best. Walking on clear ice that shows the lily pads down to 6 feet down is a bit unnerving. I couldn't go far. Fortunately, we now have a bit of snow on top, so I can't see the depths.
I wondered how Peter did it. He didn't even have ice. I wonder if it felt like ice? More like snow? I can't even walk across my clear iced pond, much less a moving piece of water.
I know I could do it if I just refrained from looking down. I may have even been able to walk across our frozen lake if I just kept my eyes up.
Recently, we have begun another lapse of income. It happens more than rarely up here. My incredibly wonderful providing husband works in the oilfield, and if you didn't know, the price of oil is not exactly where it was a year ago. As great as that is for the consumer, it really stinks for those who find work in that field. It's a strange industry that seems to work on the "feast or famine" premise. Right now it's "famine" time. This has happened before, but before it seemed that there was work going on elsewhere or right around the corner. This drought may be longer lasting. It may not be, but we don't hear too many positive short-term rumors.
I wonder if God is asking me to step out and walk on water. We plan and plan to prepare for such events, and I think that is wise, but I just wonder if we are going to be sent beyond our planning.
How will I respond?
Look Up!
But look how interesting it is when you look down! You need to know where to step, right?
Nope. I can trust Jesus to take us right where He wants us. He will give us firm footing. He will give us hinds' feet and place us on our high places. He will equip us to take the steps of faith, whether on steep slopes or on water. I have so much peace that He will provide. What freedom!

Moved

On Friday, a family from church lost one of their young sons in a horrific accident. He was 9. I don't believe the age really matters when you lose a child. I have another friend from church who unexpectedly lost a son just recently, who was married with kids of his own. It has been a rough summer for our church family.
I read in other blogs how God sustains those who go through such tragedy, and I have seen firsthand how He has sustained these close to home. I have been very, well, impressed, I suppose to witness the responses of the family left here on earth to grieve and yet celebrate their loved ones' true homecoming. I was truly struck by the mother of the young son. She sent an email to some of the church family explaining what happened and how they are doing. In it she said, "Yet, we know that when ***** was formed in His Mother’s womb, that August 21, 2009 was already established as his homegoing day. " (name removed for their privacy)
I was moved beyond words. The family is not just saying they trust Christ, but they are showing it in the deepest sense. In fact, both families are showing Christ's strength in their lives.
I was also reminded of how Scripture tells us to remember our mortality. We all have a specific time on this planet. We are given works to do in His name and we have a charge to fulfill. We, as believers, do not wonder what our purpose is in life, who we are or what life is about. Don't get me wrong, we wonder about how that all fleshes out, but the big picture is; it's all about glorifying God in our lives. Most often that path is one of the hardest to follow.
Our culture is all about making sure the "self" is protected and nourished. The "self-help" sections of bookstores are filled with numerous step programs to try and give the individual self-esteem, self-awareness, self-whoknowswhatelse. Interestingly, God's word says to put others in front of yourself. Self focus becomes selfishness and that rarely leads to happiness. We don't deserve to be happy. Certainly not if we are focused on that as an end goal. If we focus on the real goal of glorifying God in our lives, that will likely be the hardest road we travel at times, but if we take that road, we won't be alone. There won't always be the happy feelings, but there will be joy. Allowing God to lead and trusting Him for the strength to go that road is the best possible option for living life to the fullest.
I wish I saw more Christians taking that road, instead of the worldly comfortable one. I am encouraged deeply to bear witness to the families who are living and breathing God's strength moment to moment. We all get to decide which camp we will belong to, despite what some may feel. Sometimes we try both, but I see much more peace in one. I continue to lift both families in prayer, but to be honest, they are teaching and helping me much more.