White Time

It's funny how during the winter, I long for the whiteness to be gone.  Now, the lushness of the multitudes of greens fill the landscape and a spot of white is like a light in a dark place.

Funny how perspectives change.

I had hoped that I would feel a real uplift with the sale of our house and the prospect of moving to the next step.  I did, for a while.  Those bursts of lightness have settled into a valley of fog.  I feel like I'm just wandering around, waiting again.  It is 3 weeks until we are officially out of our house, and I have packed up what I think we will be taking that we don't need right now, I have had one garage sale with one more this week, and I have donated and thrown away more.  I have visited with friends and made lists to eliminate my pantry as efficiently as possible.  I have made a couple itineraries for our impending road trip, and saved a few books to take along.  I have called Canada to prepare for our entry, and I have my list of utilities to call in a couple more weeks.  We have our storage totes half-filled, the trailers are travel ready, and the trucks are serviced with tires mounted. We have prepared all that we can, for the time being.

With an abundance of time, I am wishing for movement.  I know that when this situation flips, I will long for a moment of time in quiet peace.

Funny how perspectives change.

Spring Fever!

 I wish I could take credit for these beautiful blooms, but it was my mom who took them at Botanica, the botanical gardens in Wichita, KS.  They are so beautiful!  It gives me hope that spring will come here, too!  I know it will.  It is raining as I write!  Remember those April showers?!

 Spring has never been my favorite season.  I seem to carry this cynicism that takes away from the little moments of life breaking through the cold.  I don't like this about me.  I have always seen spring as a tease; starting to get warm, only to bring in the bleak clouds of rain and more cold.  This feeling was only reinforced when we moved to Alaska and "spring" is called "Break-up."  It is a time where the snow starts to melt and the ice literally breaks up.  The roads are a huge mess and it's muddy, mucky, cold, and wet.  And brown.  Leaves start to emerge in May.  Tulips show up around mid-May here, if they make it past the moose!

 In the past year, I have kept a list of things for which I am thankful.  It was funny because I got a book that had this suggestion and tried to read it, but I couldn't get through it.  Ironically, it was too flowery for me.  I continued my journaling, however, and I am trying to get past my cynicism.  I want to see the beauty in the first blade of grass I see, in the smell of the soil, in the warmth of the sunshine; not sulk that the snow isn't gone yet.  Sometimes I wonder how much I've missed while lamenting all that is not perfect.  I know we were made for a perfect world, but I believe God sends us glimpses of it!

Thanks, Mom, for sending me this one!

The Grass is Greener Syndrome

 Having spent the last month in the bay area of California, I have remembered my love of the color green. I was sent rather short-notice and packed a bit too warm for the area.  It didn't take me long to soak in the green grass, blooming lavender and other flowers around my hotel.  It was a sweet consolation for an otherwise difficult job.

Upon my return to a very snowy home back in Alaska, I quickly began to wish for a change of "home."  Why did it have to snow more this year than ever?  (I don't know the exact numbers, but we have had a LOT of snow this winter... so far.)  This means that it will take even longer to see my own lawn this year.
Oh how I miss green grass!
As if God knew this would be in this brain of mine, he set it to my Pastor to quote someone, I forget who, saying, "If the grass is greener on the other side, then it's time to water your own lawn."

I could get all negative and literal, explaining the desire to water my lawn but it's covered in 5 feet of packed snow, but I'll take the figurative intention and realize that I have ways to make my life content.  Most of this "watering" is rooted (pun intended!) in spiritual discipline.  I must admit that I am lacking in this most important way.  When I stop feeding myself with the Word, I feel distracted, flighty, discontent, and ungrateful.  I look at others and pine for whatever they have that seems to be lacking in my life.

On CBS Sunday Morning, a show I must watch every week, they had a little segment discussing the falsity of the literal "greener grass" syndrome.  Let me explain.  When one looks over a fence or what-have-you at the lawn across the way, it often appears to be greener because of the angle of the view.  Grass blades are long and slender, giving the most green color viewing from the side.  When looking upon the same blades of grass from above, the view is more of the tips and edges, and often some dirt, giving a much less green appearance.

Basically it's perspective.  When I think my life is too lowly for me to participate in it, and I feel like changing lawns, what I really need is to get down and roll around; get my eyes to the level of the blades.  This may mean getting dirty, grass-stains and all, to really see what I have.  (There are so many puns & allegorical thoughts here, but I'll restrain myself - they could get very old!)   I have to engage more deeply in the life I have been given to nurture it.  Then maybe, just maybe, someone else will ask what I'm doing to have such a healthy, green life, and I can point them to the Maker and Sustainer of it all.

Bedtime

 Sometimes you just have to get off the couch, go outside, and you will be blessed!  I am so fortunate to have my husband push me out of my comfort zone when I am clearly not comfortable there.  He is such a catalyst for me to see God's gifts!  Plus, on a practical side, being outside is better for one's oxygen intake, physical activity, and mental stimulation in a real-time way!

Oh, did I mention we caught fish?!  I caught the most, but Pat's single catch was the biggest!  We had a wonderful time and even had a "double" - when we both caught one at the same time!  

And to think we could have missed this by going to bed on time.

It's a Good Day

Life is not perfect.

I still don't have what I wish.

And yet, it is a good day.

It is a beautiful day.

 My mom came to visit, and we got to share so much of the beauty of this place.

The majesty of His creation.

 We had the chance to spend time in the woods in this beautiful cabin on this gorgeous lake.  

It was a good day.

It has been a tough week, but through it all, I have so much for which I am thankful.

So much.

It's a good day.

Makeover

It was time for me to refresh.  The blog and myself.

I made a hair appointment.  I plan on spending a ridiculous amount of money on my hair.  I absolutely hate to do it (really), but this "blah" feeling has got to change!  I think it's time to change it up and I can't do it myself.

Sounds like the rest of my life.  I need to make some long-term changes that I can't do myself.  I've somehow let myself gain some habits that I don't like and don't help me.  Most of these are mental habits.  I realized that my thought patterns are different than they used to be.  I used to be extremely flexible and rarely stressed over anything (to my husband's utter dismay).  I had very little fear in life.

Now I'm afraid.  I'm afraid that things will stay the same.  I am very strange in this, I know, but I've never loved "stability."  I've loved the constant change in life and the new challenges that bring new learning.  The limbo that we are in right now with the waiting of our house to sell (13 months now) is frustrating.  I feel boxed in, closed up, claustrophobic, powerless.

My plan (thanks to the prompting of friends' suggested reading and other ways of the Holy Spirit) is to actually employ the tactics that I have been avoiding for months.  Counting my blessings.  Praising the Lord.  Being grateful.  In other words, being pro-active against my "Eve-Complex."

As spiritual as it all sounds, I still need a physical jump-start!  Thus, my hair appointment next Thursday.

A fresh start.

My "Eve" Complex

Evidenced from my lack of interest in blog-world, I've had a rough winter.

I think it's a combination of several things; lack of sunlight (Seasonal Affective Disorder), Vitamin D deficiency, not enough exercise, and some complacency of negative thinking.  I have happy lights and vitamins, but honestly, I'm having trouble with more exercise!  I'm hoping that with the brightening sunlight and melting snow, this will resolve itself in no time.  I'm also thinking the happy lights could go away til October.

The negative thinking has been a harder one to acknowledge and change.  I have done Bible studies on the topic, heard sermons, and even discussed the benefits of positive mental attitudes, but somehow this winter I just could not see past the things which I did not have.  A wise man (not my husband, this time) explained this as the "Eve Complex."  As wonderful of a life, perfect really, as Eve had it, she still could not see past the one thing (literally) that she could not have.  This has had a huge impact on me.  I have always looked down on Eve and could not understand why she did it.  I don't have quite the perfect life that Eve had, but I had focused too much on what I was missing, and not enjoying what I have, just like her.  This is an extremely simple version, but simple things are not always easy.

I've also discovered that I am a linear thinker.  Almost to a perfectionist level.  Instead of feeling as though things are good if they are "pretty good," I think of things as either bad or perfect.  You can see where this will set me up for disappointment.  I was challenged recently to consider being content with things if they are less than perfect.  Let me share how freeing this can be when practiced!  And practice it takes, at least for me, I've found.

After sharing some about my struggles, I have discovered I am not in a minority.  To avoid the "misery loves company" idea, I'd rather share to help others to avoid this little quick-sand-trap.  I also believe that this is not just a positive thinking idea, but rather a very Biblical model.  Philippians 4 talks about what we are to pursue with our minds.  David prays that God would search his thoughts to check him if he is heading in the wrong direction in Psalm 139:23-24.  Paul talks frequently about the power of our thoughts; among which how we ought to take each thought captive to the obedience of Christ in his 2nd letter to the Corinthians.

Knowing that I struggle with this specifically in the winter, I hope that I can remember the importance of placing my thoughts under the authority of the Holy Spirit who dwells in me.  I'll admit that I often chose to wallow, thinking I'd just get over it in a day or two, but allowing that little bit is dangerous.  Stepping into quicksand just a little is enough to get stuck.  And sink.  Just ask Eve.