I Can Do It - BY MYSELF!

It seems I am a toddler at heart.

I can do it all by myself!

For the past 8 years or so, my fabulous husband has been on a mission to get me to a higher plane of self-sufficiency.  He has enabled me to see past the perceived need of tents, bulky food, trails, most cooking utensils, and much more.  I have been able to learn that I truly need very little to survive in fairly comfortable environment that I can create for myself.  

This self-sufficiency fed into my deep desires to be independent.  I have wanted independence from something or someone since I could remember.  While growing up this manifested itself in wanting independence from my family, whether in name or actual physical location!  As I grew, my goals were very centered on creating an independent persona for myself - all by myself.  I was going to be someone people would admire, wonder, wish they were, etc.  I was going to do this all alone.  All through school, even through college, I detested group projects.  I felt as though they were a socialistic standard that only served to bring me down to average, which I truly aspired to be above.  I thrived when I finally got to do my relatively independent study for my Horticulture degree.  It fit me perfectly!  I got all the credit!

Even now, I feel tremendous satisfaction in completing a project or tackling a problem successfully on my own.  Just tonight, I was changing the water filter in our crawl space (more like a stoop-space), and as I was opening the water line back up, water began to pour out the pressure relief button.  This was no exaggeration.  It was pouring out.  (Did I mention we are supposed to have a showing this weekend?  No?  Well, yes, this added to my panic!)  As I shut off the water and pushed my panic into a box in my proverbial emotional shelf, I realized that the button was likely gunked up (yes, I made up that word) by some sediment.  Fortunately, I had just sprayed a thrip-covered petunia with a soap/water mix that I thought may help along with some Q-tips.  I went ahead and texted my man just in case he had any other thoughts!  In the end, I was able to clean out the valve and stop the leak, averting the crisis.  I was quite proud of myself!

Then I remembered that we aren't supposed to do anything by ourselves.

Jesus Himself said:
"'I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by Himself; He can only do what He sees His Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does.'"  John 5:19
"'For I have come down from heaven to do the will of God who sent me, not to do my own will.'" John 6:38
"'My message is not my own; it comes from God who sent me."' John 7:16
"'I do nothing on my own but say only what the Father taught me.  And the one who sent me is with me - he has not deserted me.  For I always do what pleases him.'" John 8:28b-29
"'At my Father's direction I have done many good works.'" John 10:32a
"'I don't speak on my own authority.  The Father who sent me has commanded me what to say and how to say it.  And I know his commands lead to eternal life; so I say whatever the Father tells me to say.'" John 12:49-50

Now, I don't want to take this all out of context and say that I cannot do anything, ever, on my own.  I do believe that God gives us challenges that only we must go through, but am I by myself?  No.  I'm not.  I have to admit that when I was putting the filter back on that last time, I was praying that God would seal it and keep it from leaking.  Not only does He help in moments like these, but He uses these situations to bring us into a deeper reliance on Him.

Sometimes, He desires us to draw upon our community for support.  Earlier today I had a dentist appointment.  That may not sound that big to some of you, but I have had less than stellar dentist appointments in my day and I have a tendency to get a bit panicked.  My jaw locks up and hurts when they put the block in, I almost always have sinus drainage that collects in the back of my throat, and that doesn't help my claustrophobic tendencies which cause me to have brief panic attacks thinking I can't breathe, and gosh darn it: it hurts!

So anyway, I humbled myself and asked for my group and my mom to pray for me today.  Mom's are great for that, aren't they?!  I admit that I felt rather silly asking for prayer for something fairly trivial.  I should surely be able to get through this by myself.  I was reminded of what a privilege it was to be able to see a dentist at all, but I was still not looking forward to my fillings.  Today I felt so thankful for those prayers and support.  I prayed for me and the dentist throughout the appointment, and I felt a calm and relaxation that was foreign to me in that place before now, and I know it was due to the prayer support.  The dentist seemed to feel the need for urgency and made the appointment go quickly.  I now have a molar that no longer has the metal filling, but a composite one, along with a little extra that needed to be filled.  It was as pleasant an appointment as it could have been.  I didn't even feel the shots, though it looked as though I'd had a stroke for the next 5 hours.  I kept hoping I wasn't drooling.  I digress...

I had just had an experience where the coming together of sisters had blessed me, and yet I was still determined to find pride in doing things by myself!  My problem stems not from the ability God has given me to accomplish things like fixing a leaky pressure relief valve, but in taking the full credit.  I am so thankful that God has worked in me and used my husband to teach me how to take care of things.  Jesus, who was God's own Son, again and again reminded us that even He relied on the Father for direction and strength and then gave the glory back to Him.  It was never about Jesus' story alone.  He didn't do it all by Himself, and I don't want to either.

Alllll Byyyyyy Myyyyyy Seh -eehhh-eehhhllllf

Am I the only person who cracks themselves up?!
I just posted on my facebook page the title of this blog, and it made me laugh audibly. I was singing it to myself and thought you all might think it was funny too!
I have begun my little "heart-growing-fonder" time away from my husband. I miss him terribly already. I hate going to bed and tend to stay up way too late. We've been married 7 years and I always hate to be apart from him. He is on a trip with his brother-in-law to go Elk Hunting in his native (close enough) New Mexico. (He was born in Idaho, but moved when he was 5.) Anyway, my manly man is all outdoor's and has tried his best to make me the same way. I love how he encourages me and somehow manages to get me out into the most amazing places in the craziest of situations. This last weekend he took me out bear hunting, and he had me sleeping quite soundly under a tarp on a bed of hemlock boughs for my sleeping bag. For all you animal lovers, I apologize, but I live in Alaska and I married a serious hunter. It was bound to happen. I had never really shot a gun before I met him, and now I'm out hunting black bears, among other things. The funny thing, is that this was not the first time I had camped tentless. He managed to get me under a tarp in our canoe a couple years ago. One thing to say about that trip: bug nets.
I had a good friend of mine get engaged just recently and in her excitement I have been remembering all the sweet things I love about my husband. I also remembered the first year we were married. Gals from my small group would ask me how things were going, and I would usually respond, "O.K." I was having a hard time letting go of my independence and sharing. I'm not a good sharer. Especially with my candy. Moving on. My friend has been a very independent for the last several years. As excited as she is for this gift, she is nervous. I was too. I've been sharing with her how I had to tell my fabulously attentive husband that when I got home, I needed time to demob. and unwind before I could really engage with him. Fortunately, we were able to communicate fairly well with each other in all these little things! I say "we" but I really mean him. Somehow he disarmed me, calmed me, taught me. Still does. I feel his absence and wish I was as strong as I used to think I was!
Now I have the time to be by myself. What do I do with this independence?
I succumb to dependence. I don't know what exactly is going on, but my soul is stirring and I need to know what God is trying to say to me. I am nothing without Him, and for all that I have been blessed with, I am feeling that I need to DO something more. My heart has been aching for people I've never met and live across the world. My little life is so safe and insulated. I feel like I need to become a little uncomfortable. Still not sure what that means. I am taking this weekend to spend some serious time in reflection and prayer. If you think of it, I'd love your prayers. I may also ask if the Lord is asking you to look beyond your blessings and ask why you've been given what you have. He may ask you to do something crazy too!