When I was in our Kansas college, a mere 16 years ago, my California roommate taught me a phrase: Major Buuuuurr!   I miss Merv.  She's the best!  (That's not her real name, but I still call her Merv, though it's pronounced Murv.  I  could tell you were wondering.)

While this photo is not quite accurate (it was -25 *F last night), it does give a glimpse of the recent weather.

That said, I did just come in from my walk with my dog and felt that the +3*F temperature was rather balmy.  We had a lovely long snowshoe walk through the woods.  The snow is just perfect for it.  It's packed pretty stiff in the base, but has some nice fluffy snow on top to keep it soft.  We tried to get lost in the woods by meandering around, but as soon as I thought we'd succeeded, I recognized the low swamp area we had come to.  We followed it around to the previous path I had walked just a week before with my mom.  I came back feeling refreshed and reminded that snowshoes work best off the trail!

During this walk, I started pondering the suggestion that my husband made; that I start writing - for real.  I feel incredibly daunted by this possible task, even though I've had several people encourage me to do just this.  Writing on this blog is really just for me.  It's a place for me to get out thoughts that I have and no one really criticizes it.  At least not the writing part!  It is a safe place for me.  My Christmas letter this year brought many comments, though I can't really understand why.  I guess I pepper information with just enough humor to make it entertaining to read, because really, are update letters really that fun to read?   It was funny, though, to think about what I would or could write.  The only thing I really know a lot about is me.  I can't imagine people would want to read about that.   I also have no idea about format.  Articles, short stories, a novel?  No, not a novel - way too ambitious.  I suppose I could start with an article and see if anyone is interested.  Again, my question would be; about what?!  I guess I could just start and see what pops into my head.  That could be scary!  As often as I change jobs, it would probably be a prudent move to prepare for a possible future occupation!  Yes, I'm fond of alliteration.  It's a cheesy fault of mine!

In an effort to give this little brain of mine some exercise, I am going to try to make writing here a more frequent discipline.  I can tell you are all just holding your breath.  All 3 of you.  Thanks, Mom!  Seriously, I hope this will give me a push to see my world in a different light and find the fun and joy in it!  If nobody reads it, then it will simply be my online notepad!  With pictures.  I like to read things with pictures!

My Challenge from Oprah

I'm not usually an avid Oprah watcher, but on occasion I'll watch if I'm home and it sounds interesting to me.  Last night Barbara Walters did a special with Oprah.  I was curious, so Pat and I watched.  For the most part it was a typical "BW Special" interview, and pretty interesting.  There was one moment, however, that made my heart stop.  In a good way!  She said that when she prays, "I ask God to use me until I am used up."

Now I'm not going to go into Oprah's personal spiritual life, but that statement was amazing.  What if we all prayed that statement?  Not just said it like we say other phrases in prayer without even thinking, but really, REALLY meant it?

Can I honestly pray that?  Am I really willing to let God use me up?  Am I willing to give back to Him all the things that He gave me?

Are you?

What if we lived this out?  What if we looked at what we have to offer, small or large, and put those gifts to use?

I am challenged!  I am so glad that I watched and have a new prayer!

Thank you, Oprah!

Wishes

What do you wish for?

What is your greatest desire?

What fills your prayers?

My husband and I spent this morning talking together about just this topic.  We have been extremely frustrated by well-meaning Christians who "claim" promises of health, happiness, or hoards of other things and then don't receive that which they knew God would provide.  We have both had Godly people tell us that we should be very specific when in prayer and expect Him to answer favorably, because after all, God gives us the desires of our hearts.  Especially when we are earnestly praying and we are living what we believe to be God's will for our lives.  Surely then, He will give us what we want. (slight sarcasm here!)

What do we want?

When it comes down to it, for us, we only want one thing: we want God to be glorified in the life He has provided.  Period.

Our human nature occasionally makes us think we want things like new carpet, a fancy gun (that's my husbands), or a Smoothie King smoothie!  Sometimes we are cleverly told we should want things like our house to sell, good health, safety, etc.  Even our more recent desires to relinquish more of our financial blessings has tempted us to wish for more: so we can give more!  These thoughts float around us until we get back to the real center and reason for it all: Jesus.

I recently read (Yancy, Reaching for the Invisible God), "Christians in affluent countries tend to pray, 'Lord, take this trial away from us!'  I have heard prisoners, persecuted Christians, and some who live in very poor countries pray instead, 'Lord, give us the strength to bear this trial.'"

I'm pretty convinced God did not create us, provide His Son for us, give us His Spirit, strictly to make our lives comfortable.  Comfort does not generally facilitate close bonds and dependency.  I believe the Old Testament is filled with examples of this idea fleshed out.  I also believe that we are today just like the Israelites so long ago.  God created us, provided for us, lives in us to bring glory to Himself through relating with us.  When we are dependent on Him, do everything for Him, let go of our lives to be used for Him, He loves it, loves us, and is glorified through our obedience.  But He doesn't become our cosmic genie.  His goal is to make us more like Jesus, like Himself, because it really is the best option.  I really doubt this can happen comfortably at all times.  Fortunately, He does in turn provide us strength, joy, and abilities to progress until He determines we've gone as far as we can on this planet. This is a pretty huge idea that could have volumes extrapolated out, but I'll move on.

So with such a big picture, why is it so easy to focus on the little things?  I won't say I never ask God to help me with the little things, because I do, I just want the real motive to be to bring Him glory; not to have my wish fulfilled.  Who's glory is it if I get new carpet?  If I find my contact?  Why do I want my house to sell or my friend's child to be healed or my other friend's work to be calm?  Is it to bring comfort?  Is it to give God the credit and glorify Him?  Am I praying that in the horrible times my sister in Christ is trudging through, she will become so focused on Him that it will change her life, or am I just praying for ease?

Are we missing the blessing of being uncomfortable?  How can we know how fulfilling our Lord is if we never need Him?  Now, before I get an onslaught of messages telling of the blessings of God answering big and little prayers, I am not insinuating that He doesn't, won't, or shouldn't.  God does want us to ask Him for things, big and little, but secondary to living fully to glorify Him.  I have had some moments of God letting me know how interested He is in me by giving me some of those "genie wishes."  I just know that God wants way more for our relationship than that.  God wants me to grow and mature in my relationship with Him (which will serve to glorify Him, not me) and that may only come through the bond of a shared trial or other heart check to deny self.

Honestly, I don't intend to pray for trials to come.  I imagine they will all on their own.  I may just take pause, however, before I pray for them to pass or be removed.  Instead I hope I will look for my God's perspective and pray to grow through it.  I hope I do the same thing through positive experiences as well!

So, what do you wish for again?

I'm getting a little Caulk-y!

Yes, there's something missing here.  Caulk.  I spent all day working on re-caulking our bathroom.  I thought it would be a simple thing, as I had caulked doors and windows before with relative ease.  One thing I had neglected to consider was the preparation before the application.

You might have thought, as I did, that a simple razor blade device would easily lift off the old caulk and enable you to simple peel it away.  If that is what you thought, as I did, you would be mistaken, as I was.  I have a razor scraper thing that wore my thumb down to mix of pain and numbness.  I used this until I discovered our utility knife where it had no business being: stuffed between my wireless router and DSL "box."  Regardless, I was ecstatic to relieve my thumb as I scraped and cut away the old caulk.  I'd like to give more details, but as I doubt your interest would go any longer, suffice it to say, it took a LONG time.  My husband will love all those commas!  

I then reasoned I was ready, until I looked closer at the tile and tub.  No, I needed to clean this up.  Carefully.  I realized I had some cleaner from the late '90's that, much as I tried, was not even going to come out of the bottle and thus it was trashed.  I tried the Bar Keeper's Friend cleaner hoping the abrasive would help.  It didn't do much.  I was forced to pull out that razor thing that killed my thumb and scrape away the remaining slivers of caulk.  Then I pulled out my hair dryer from the closet (no I don't dry my hair - dryers are terrible for your hair!) and proceeded to make sure the surfaces and inside the cracks were dry.  THEN, I pulled out the vacuum.  I had to suck out all those tiny bits of caulk that I had cut loose only to jam into the cracks beyond where I could poke with the utility knife.  Preparation before the application.  All of this is important, as you know what a job looks like if you don't do the proper prep; terrible and it usually doesn't last long.

Writing this seems like it shouldn't have taken all day, but it seems I am easily distracted and did take moments to walk my dogs, run to the store for good caulk, eat, check my email; stuff like that.  

Finally I had prepared for the filling of the gaps!  And there were some gaps!

As I was prepping most of the day, it dawned on me that God works with us in a very like manner.  We are so excited to be a part of a great work that will look so wonderful, or even a simple thing, but before we begin, He has a lot of prep work to do on us.  We often have to release our hold on the surfaces that cover our flaws and open ourselves to being cleaned out by the Spirit.  It can be amazing and a bit scary to see what we've hidden and allowed to grow under the surface.  Only when it's open and laid bare can God cleanse us and then fill us with His purpose.  What may seem like a simple step of faith may require some serious prep work before He even allows us the opportunity.  Some preparations before the applications can take more time than others.

I'm reminding myself of this as we wait for our house to sell.

Of course, now with that bright white caulk, it looks like I need to keep working on that grout!  

Seriously.  Tile must have been invented by people who have others to clean it for them.  Or they didn't have hard water!

Christmas Past & Future

I often seem to get the post-holiday blahs. It's not yet New Year's Day, so I'm getting it earlier than usual. It does seem to be less severe than last year, though, and for that I am grateful. There just seems to be a huge buildup to Christmas, that it's supposed to be some magical day that makes all our problems go away and everyone is Hallmark Card happy. Unfortunately, that's how I remember Christmas not too many years back. I know it will never be like that again. I'm not complaining, really, it's just that I have grown up and it's different. I will cherish those memories forever and would never change those wonderful holidays.

This year seemed so different. The gift-giving was almost non-existent. We met with no family. We even postponed our usual Christmas Dinner with our friends due to work conflicts. So Christmas was literally just spent with Jesus. I didn't feel sad. It was a lovely day to remember the greatest Gift ever given. I almost felt free from all distractions to give Jesus the whole focus of the day. I say "almost free" because I would have loved to have been celebrating with my family, potential stresses and all.

Honestly, I don't stress about Christmas. I haven't for a few years now. Probably because I haven't been Outside for one in as many years. I have come to realize that if I want to give a gift to someone I will, and I will disregard the cost (it's usually not expensive!) or the issue of if I've been given a reciprocal gift. I don't stress about the receiver's response to my gift. If they are unthankful, that is not my problem. I simply wanted them to know I was thinking of them. I often think of how Mary received the somewhat impractical gifts of gold (ok, maybe not so impractical), frankincense and myrrh. Clearly, Mary and Joseph had no means of reciprocating in equal, neither did they feel compelled to show how they would use the gifts in the future. That wasn't the point. The gifts were given to show honor to the recipient: Jesus (God's ultimate Gift!), even in infant form. If this is what our Christmas gifts to each other represent, then the

heart attitudes behind the gifts should be the most important and the gift itself is rather secondary.

I also don't worry about time spent at certain locations. I refuse to allow the thought that I am in charge of keeping anything even. I have deeper relationships with certain family members and happen to have things in common with others. I will not feel guilty if someone feels slighted. I often feel that if a visit feels obligatory, then it will not be nearly as enjoyable and the desire for it to be repeated will certainly wane. Quality over quantity is not just a cliche, but true for us both. That said, there are definitely efforts to spend time with as many family and friends as possible, but I just don't stress over it. I am just happy to see them at all! It's a compliment, I think, to

have family or friends want to spend time with you. And we also understand when people

cannot. We never expect everyone to drop everything, just for us. If it works, great! If not, there will be another time!

Our decorations and all are cleaned up and gone, with only a few candy canes from our friend's house to tell of this Christmas past. We have few gifts to reign in, which is likely due to the fact that we have no kids! We have felt a particular need to let go of the material. Let me explain.

Throughout the holiday season, my husband has had some sparse work days. You are aware of our fundraising drive that he was able to lead in because of that lull. This lull has also jarred us to the feeling of enslavement to our banker. We have discovered that we have loved the

opportunity to raise money for someone other than our banker, and are feeling more and more led to change our lifestyle in order to allow this to happen more frequently. In a move that seems quite backwards, we are considering selling our beautiful and beloved home, and living on only that for which we can pay cash. This means using any profit from the sale of our home to

purchase land and build a home, likely a small cabin to start. Let me specify: we would not take out any loans to pay for anything. Our home would only consist of what we could pay for in cash. The plan allows for additions to be made, but only as our funds allow or as we choose for them to allow. We have a sneaking suspicion that as we have been made so acutely aware of the needs of people in this world, we may be led to forgo some of our comforts to feed a child, give water to a village, provide livestock for a family, or even to go and help those in need.

This concept is actually quite common up here, though not usually for the same reasons. I don't even know that my husband and my reason's are quite the same! I do know that this seems strange to me and even more strange that I'm so compelled to do it. My man is loving the idea of actually working for something as opposed to working off that same thing. This would give us the opportunity to own our home fully at all times, regardless of what is going on economically. We would not be enslaved to our banker, as nice as she is! It would free us up financially to travel when the work is slow, as well as allowing the opportunity to go on an extended mission trip if God leads. Financially it would be incredibly freeing. I can't imagine not having a mortgage or rent, and I absolutely LOVE to see numbers increasing in accounts. I love it so much that I'm

almost on the "hoarder" side of things, but I believe that I'll be fine when I get to see how it will be used.

Neither one of us is a big spender in general. We are not in debt, other than our property. We do not misuse credit cards or other means of credit, and we pay our bills on time or early. We know that mortgages have come to be an acceptable form of debt, but we feel God is pushing us away from this idea. I will not say this is for everyone, because I don't know what God is telling others. I do know that He is clear in His Word about debt and that it should be avoided if possible. We feel that it is possible for us, though it will mean a major change in our lifestyle.

I truly love our home, but I don't love it more than being obedient. I can only imagine what God will place in our hands if we open them to let go of this home. Imagine the possibilities! Pray for us as we continue to seek His direction and Praise Him for providing our Daily Bread!

Yes, this Christmas has much less of the blah's and much more anticipation! As I strive to give Jesus the whole of my heart, mind, soul, and strength, I just wonder what He'll do with it next.

Momentous Monday!

This is one of my favorite girls in the whole wide world. Can't you see why?! I love this picture and I've shown it before, but I can't help it. She's been on my mind this week.
My sister told me that my little gal (really she's my sister's little gal, but I'll take her any day!) had asked Jesus to come into her heart! At that moment, my heart just burst! I'm a pretty emotionally proud Aunt! My sister, not wanting to dismiss this momentous occasion, but wanting to understand the depth, asked her why she wanted to do this. Her answer is the very best answer I have EVER heard: "I just love Him so much!"

Every time I think of this, my eyes well up and I just about loose it. It's a similar reaction to when I learned of each of my N&N's decisions to give their hearts to Jesus. I just don't know if I've heard such a perfect motivation. I know mine wasn't! I was a little concerned about my level of fire resistance. Jesus knew it was also that I trusted Him to keep me safe. But really? I just love Him so much!? How absolutely perfect is that? I don't think I can add anything. My 4-year-old niece has just surpassed all my knowledge and study with the simplicity to which God calls us. It's really all He wants of us. I hope I can be like my niece when I grow up and be able to say about the things I do: "I just love Him so much!"

It's My Birthday, and I'll Post When I Want To!

Yes, it is my birthday today. I am a whopping 33 years old. Some of you still may call me a "baby." I'm O.K. with that. I still feel like one.
A friend of mine who also recently turned 33, pointed out a fact that I had also been mulling; that this was the age of Jesus when He died. And resurrected!
This was a little sobering, but it made me think a bit. I don't find myself remotely close to Jesus' level of maturity. Then I remembered that He is, after all, God. I decided to cut myself a little slack.
My birthday is usually my time to reflect on the past year and evaluate myself. I'm not typically critical, but can sometimes use constructive criticism to point out my areas that need improvement. I don't make New Year's Resolutions, but sometimes give myself goals on my birthday.
I am very excited for this, my 33rd year! I will get to meet two new nephews someday! That will bring my grand total of N&N's to 13. That is a lot of love, and I love each one of them. I wish I could spend more time with each one, but God has us here for a reason, so I wouldn't change it. I am going to learn how to snowshoe. I have never done it, but it looks simple enough and I am out in the snow everyday anyway (that is, when it does snow - when is that stuff going to get here?!). I am hoping to finish a couple of projects: finish hanging drapes in our living room that have been in storage for a year and a half, knit myself a matching hat and scarf which have not been started but yarn has been purchased, and to complete all the books that I have started and not finished. I also plan to read through my new New Living Translation Bible that I bought yesterday. I hope that I can build up some business for my landscape design in order to donate my profits to Amazima (on my side bar). I also hope that God will continue to develop the Thursday night group and deepen friendships that have been formed. I would love to be able to get birthday/Christmas/other event cards in the mail on time this year, though I'm not too expectant of that one. I'm wanting to continue my 1st and 15th memorizing with Beth Moore, and might suggest that practice to anyone else who has struggled to memorize Scripture!
I am thankful for 7 1/2 years of amazing marital life! God has blessed this relationship more than I ever thought possible. I love the 11 little N&N that I have and so thankful for the times I get to spend with them. I adore my sister and can't believe how far our friendship has come. I'm so thankful God provided her with such a great husband! I am so proud of my brothers. They both have incredible (and gorgeous) wives that are clearly God's helpmate for them. I am more aware now of how special it is that we all not only get along, but all love each other. I'm also thankful for our parents. They gave us a pretty spectacular childhood and taught us to love Jesus from our birth. I have been incredibly blessed by my husbands family. His parents have given us support and lots of shared laughter! His sisters and their families have loved me and made me part of their family instantly. God has provided for our needs and much more. I've had more fun experiences and learning opportunities than I could possibly list. I've had an amazing 33 years.
So, yes, I have a collage of meaningful and less than meaningful goals that I have shared. I know this next year of mine will hold some very difficult challenges, much of the mundane, and some incredibly special moments. Throughout them all, I hope I can "Rejoice always. Pray continually, and give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for ME in Christ Jesus." 1 Thess. 5:16-18 (new international Meli version).