Miss me?

I don't handle stress very well.

My patience level, which is not exactly a deep reservoir, becomes as thin and as strong as a sheet of cheap toilet paper.  This particular trait makes me so enjoyable to be around.  Yes, that's sarcasm.  That's another stress-induced trait that rears its ugly head.  This lack of patience and overabundance of sarcasm have led me into a couple of frustrating situations recently.  I hate this.

I'm not ending well.

I had hoped that this would be a bittersweet transition into the next phase of our lives, but right now it just feels like I want to pack up and quietly slip away.  Sadly, I'm not sure I'd be missed.

Some of the stressors are legitimate, and I frequently excuse myself with these, but my inability to refrain from contentious responses are all me.  I see a opening and regardless of my real opinion, I interject an argument.  My husband is truly appreciative of this mighty skill I have.  Especially on a Sunday morning on the way to church.

I'm not sure what I need to do right now about this.  God and I have had some talks, but I'm still tripping all over it.  Sometimes I think I just need to pull up my big-girl panties and realize that everyone is not as enlightened as I am I only have control over myself and I have the power of self-control.  God said so.  I don't have to agree with everyone, but I can respond lovingly or even choose to refrain from responding in an effort to keep the peace.

I wish I were a person who was missed.
Maybe it's not too late.

The Big Picture

This was us when we first entered Alaska; excited and without a clue! We had no agenda, no schedule, and no idea what we would do when we got here. Notice the truck behind us: it alone housed what we brought, along with the trailer and the clearly necessary canoe. We didn't need much then.

God has certainly brought us a long way from this moment 4 1/2 years ago. I think we have both matured in ways that would have only happened in this place. I know I have become much more self-sufficient (in good ways!) than I ever had been. Ironically, I have also become much more dependent than I would have ever believed.

My lack of appearances on this blog of late has been somewhat purposeful. I've been in avoidance mode. The blog-world has truly opened my eyes to the world and life beyond my comfortable places. I have been exposed to women who are fighting cancer, mom's dealing with unfathomable difficulties with their children, people who have dedicated their lives to loving the "least of these" in Africa, a woman who serves on a medical ship off the coast of Africa, and many others.

This exposure gives me a perspective on my own life that keeps me in check, if you will. When I have the correct view, I see my trials as minor in comparison. I don't discount them completely, but I don't give them the momentous focus. Well, lately I have been feeling very sorry for myself. Note the previous post! Yes, just moments after that entry was out, I blew up once again in a tirade of self-pity. I jokingly told myself I should read my own post again. Or maybe that was someOne else!

I have been feeling very alone lately. You see, we have no biological family up here, and I am very close to mine. We have had a lot of things happen this month in my family and it has hurt to be so far away missing in the joys and trials. I began to wallow in my aloneness. I would have moments of reality when friends would ask for prayer for situations much more dire than mine, but my mind would quickly relapse to my poor, poor self. In one of my pity parties, my oh-so-patient-husband challenged me to literally write down the blessings in my life. I told him I couldn't think of any that didn't conversely bring me pain. This is how deep I was sinking in my pit. I was sulking and refusing to look up.

Last week in our Bible study, Priscilla Shirer spoke about Moses. I could never do her justice, so please do her study, Discerning the Voice of God. We are in week 5. Moses had to wait 80 years to hear from God. He waited 40 of those in the desert. Not one of those individual days was wasted as God was using each moment to hone skills that Moses would need to lead God's people out of Egypt. I cannot imagine the level of patience Moses needed or the amount of self-control, wisdom, leadership, shepherding skills, desert information, determination, etc., that God worked into Moses's life to accomplish His will.

I have to admit, I'm afraid. I'm a little afraid that God will ask us to go further away from my family. Don't misunderstand, I would go in a heartbeat, but it would hurt. Sacrifices always do. I have no idea if anything like this would happen. I am being honed - dragged kicking and screaming, but nonetheless honed! I think my family would agree that obedience to Jesus far trumps family ties. Didn't He say something about that? Another post, perhaps!

I'm seeing a bit more clearly. I'm beginning to understand that whatever God purposes for me to do, I am being equipped right now. Not one day is being wasted. This day has a purpose for me, whether I see it or not. I doubt Moses saw the potential benefit in being able to lead a bunch of stupid sheep in the desert mountains. There is a bigger picture. I want to be part of it. I get to be part of it!

Pity Party

Have you ever prayed to hear God's voice, and then when He spoke to you, you didn't particularly care to hear it?

This morning I awoke alone, as my husband is across the inlet, to near white-out conditions outside. For all of you anticipating Spring's kiss of green, I give you my look of annoyance. I know some of you can picture it now! For it is far from Spring in the wild lands of Alaska. It's also far from Spring in the manicured lands of this piece of Alaska. We still have a solid month of winter and March is often the month of many snows. Apparently, this is one of those years. It has proceeded to snow about 8", give or take, since my handsome man left one week ago.

Thus my pity party.

I expressed a bit of my frustration to my manly man yesterday about the peculiar situation of having a double car garage with an extra lean-to, and no place to park my car out of the weather. I had seemingly mistaken our building with two garage doors as a garage, when it is in fact, a shop. Silly me. You can surely see where I got my misguided ideas.

I had lamented the lack of adequate cover when my husband simply suggested I move the project pieces that were placed in this area over and thus allowing my car to fit. Yes, simple. I went out this morning planning to move the car into the garage enabling me to get it out of the way to take the 4x4 truck, as it had just snowed another 4" and blew into our driveway creating a fascinating "U" shape. I knew the car stood no chance against snow that deep.

Let me back up. In case you don't see me on facebook, I took a bit of a spill on Friday night last. I slipped on a patch of ice that was cleverly hiding underneath the newly fallen 4" of snow as of that point. It was rather painful, but I landed pretty well considering and only managed to torque my shoulder pretty hard. Nothing broken, but very sore following. I worked on Saturday and on Sunday did not rest, but rather restacked our porch supply of firewood which is about 6 heaping wheelbarrow loads. Not exactly the best thing for my shoulder.

Back to today: I went out to find I needed to shovel the snow from around my car to first enable me to center it and drive it into the garage. It wasn't too bad for my shoulder, as I tried to use my left arm for the weight. Then I went into the garage for the simple task of moving the projects. I was able to move one project without much issue. Unfortunately, it was not to be with the second. I heaved and I heaved, but alas, the welding cart with the custom bumper atop, would only scoot so far under my limited power. I even used up my super-human anger power to no avail. It was then that I began to feel very sorry for myself. I had to go back outside, scoop more snow, & move the car back over as far from the truck and as close to the garage as possible. Did I mention I had to broom off the 4" of snow from the car, AND the truck? No? O.K., at least I'm not repeating myself. I then pulled the truck out into the driveway and made sure it would make it out. It did. I backed in, pulled out, backed in, pulled out in order to drive down the snow and make it easier for me to drive out if I decided to ever take the car out again.

You may ask if I could have used a snowblower? Why yes, we do own one, but no, I am not able to use it. I have not been given instructions, and even if I had, my shoulder would have prevented me from wielding the beast. Could I have called someone to plow the driveway? Perhaps, though I doubted they would get there in time for me to get to work, plus I couldn't remember who my husband said to call. Besides, there was a "sled-bed", a flatbed that sits on top of a truck bed that allows 2 snowmachines (snowmobiles) to sit atop it, sitting in the driveway as well. I don't think plow guys like things in their way.

Any-hoo, I was quite peeved by the time I got to work. I felt that this was all avoidable, had my husband just been home and done all the work for me. After all, isn't that his job? To take care of me? I thought so. In fact, I was so convinced of the injustice of my situation, that when he called (one of the 2 phone calls he gets to have with me per day) I let him know exactly how I felt. I was not going to budge in my analysis of the morning despite the so-called "solutions" he kept throwing out. He clearly did not understand. I was so frustrated that I cut the call short and told him I needed to get back to work. We hung up.

Then I heard HIM.

That wasn't necessary, was it? You know he hasn't chosen to be away from you, but is trying to provide for you. You already know he didn't leave the items in the garage in your way on purpose. Remember how quickly he was called out to leave? You never mentioned your desire to have those things moved. And why are you relying on him to meet all your needs? Why didn't you ask ME for help in any of those things? I may have had an idea or two. You do remember that when you have tons of rationalizations, that usually means you are wrong? If not wrong, then possibly overreacting. Is this really worth being this upset? By the way, I love you.

Oh shoot. All this happened almost instantly after I hung up the phone. I've been miserable ever since. Please do not console me. My lack of peace is certainly from the Holy Spirit! I cannot call my fabulous husband, so I am waiting for him to call me so I can apologize profusely. I was wrong. I was selfish. I was expecting things that he cannot give me. I saw a friend write today, "A successful marriage is the union between two great forgivers." I am fortunate that I have one. He makes me want to follow his lead and be one too. This was one party that I'm glad is over. Kinda wish I wouldn't have attended!

Moved

On Friday, a family from church lost one of their young sons in a horrific accident. He was 9. I don't believe the age really matters when you lose a child. I have another friend from church who unexpectedly lost a son just recently, who was married with kids of his own. It has been a rough summer for our church family.
I read in other blogs how God sustains those who go through such tragedy, and I have seen firsthand how He has sustained these close to home. I have been very, well, impressed, I suppose to witness the responses of the family left here on earth to grieve and yet celebrate their loved ones' true homecoming. I was truly struck by the mother of the young son. She sent an email to some of the church family explaining what happened and how they are doing. In it she said, "Yet, we know that when ***** was formed in His Mother’s womb, that August 21, 2009 was already established as his homegoing day. " (name removed for their privacy)
I was moved beyond words. The family is not just saying they trust Christ, but they are showing it in the deepest sense. In fact, both families are showing Christ's strength in their lives.
I was also reminded of how Scripture tells us to remember our mortality. We all have a specific time on this planet. We are given works to do in His name and we have a charge to fulfill. We, as believers, do not wonder what our purpose is in life, who we are or what life is about. Don't get me wrong, we wonder about how that all fleshes out, but the big picture is; it's all about glorifying God in our lives. Most often that path is one of the hardest to follow.
Our culture is all about making sure the "self" is protected and nourished. The "self-help" sections of bookstores are filled with numerous step programs to try and give the individual self-esteem, self-awareness, self-whoknowswhatelse. Interestingly, God's word says to put others in front of yourself. Self focus becomes selfishness and that rarely leads to happiness. We don't deserve to be happy. Certainly not if we are focused on that as an end goal. If we focus on the real goal of glorifying God in our lives, that will likely be the hardest road we travel at times, but if we take that road, we won't be alone. There won't always be the happy feelings, but there will be joy. Allowing God to lead and trusting Him for the strength to go that road is the best possible option for living life to the fullest.
I wish I saw more Christians taking that road, instead of the worldly comfortable one. I am encouraged deeply to bear witness to the families who are living and breathing God's strength moment to moment. We all get to decide which camp we will belong to, despite what some may feel. Sometimes we try both, but I see much more peace in one. I continue to lift both families in prayer, but to be honest, they are teaching and helping me much more.

Monday's Meat

Have you ever seen something so lovely? This bridge was on a hike I took with my fab husband and dogs a couple weekends ago. It was such a pretty sight. Then my husband happened.
As we were walking across the bridge, he started to shake it. Bella seemed unaffected, as usual, but Rowdy squatted, lowering his center of gravity and slowly stepped across. It was actually pretty hysterical. We tried it again with him and he did it again, but not a third time.

Yesterday, my bridge was shaken under me and it made me step more cautiously. It was a good shake. I was in Sunday School and one of the gals said something that really struck me. She had observed that there seemed to be a very "me" attitude in worship at times. Prayers and songs that ask for many things like filling of the Spirit, comfort, peace, etc., but then they stop. She said that these things are only good if they prompt us to act. WHY should the Spirit fill us? So we can feel better and good about ourselves? The next question should be "then what?" What is the purpose of being filled in the Spirit or any other desire? The motive should be to further the Kingdom, not to feel good.
I was suddenly compelled to pull out my memorization pack and flip through what verses I had chosen. Had I done the same thing? I quickly looked and, to my relief, several verses were not one-sided, and many were praises directed to the Lord. I was not completely without a "selfish" verse, as my most recent is 2 Samuel 22:34 "He makes my feet like hinds' feet, And sets me on my high places."
I was moved to figure out why God would do this. Why would He give me the stealth and steadiness and grace required to succeed in difficult circumstances? It is not for my glory. I have heard and seen more often over the last couple months the exclamation that God will not share His glory. All that He does for me and through me is for me to direct the focus to Him, not for my personal comfort.
I listened in church so intently and cautiously. I was on my bridge and it was a little shaky. I didn't just sing the words of the songs, but really chewed on them. I was so caught by the notion that I could fall into the cycle of asking for good things, but then stopping. I was so aware of my part in the story. The story that's not about me. I'm still chewing!