Z

Today he would be 18 days old.  His birthday was the 9th, you see.

I had the most amazing opportunity to meet him; to hold his perfect hands that look like his mommy's, to touch his perfect feet, to see how much his tiny mouth looks like his daddy's.

To say hello and goodbye.

I miss him.  I miss my nephew, Z.  He's my 14th N&N!  I love him so much.

This has by far been the most difficult month of my life, and I'm the Aunt.  I can't fathom walking this path in my brother and sister-in-law's shoes.  I would do it in their place in a heartbeat though. If I could.  That seems to be my constant wish; If I could.  But I can't.   Instead, I pray and cry and hope.  It's strange to be an aunt.  I wonder if all aunts feel as close to their nieces and nephews.  I wonder if I feel closer to them because I don't have children.  I wouldn't give up that closeness for anything.  Even when it hurts.

It has been a couple of weeks since we said our goodbyes to Z, but life is not the same.  You don't just move on.  I actually hate that phrase.  You can change it to "moving forward" and it makes it a little better, but it still just stinks.  I'm not one to use or feel comfort from platitudes, even if they are true.  I see the happiness of a new birth with other parents all over the place now, when I don't think I noticed it as much before.  I struggle with wanting to be happy for them, but feeling instead like I want to cry.  I want them to fully realize how fortunate they are.  Hearing about so many others (too many) who have walked this path and come through gives me hope, but still reminds me how much I had taken for granted, and how awful living in a fallen world can be.  Singing beautiful praise songs in church is almost impossible.  Not because I don't believe it, but it's just so emotional.  I was supposed to be making multiple trips to see the little guy, playing with him and babysitting while mommy went to the store or the spa or wherever else she wanted to go!  He was supposed to be here.  It's not the same.  It won't ever be the same.  I don't want it to be the same.

I want to remember those perfect little fingers that looked like his mom's and the lips that formed points just like his dad's.  I want to remember how sweet his tiny perfect feet looked as they peeked out from his blanket.  I want to remember how much his mom and dad looked forward to his entry into the world and how much they love him.

Z has made an impact on my life, and so have his parents.  I have seen how they have loved him, grieved for him, rejoiced for him, and continue to support not only each other, but so many of us around them.  God is using Z.  As we discover all the ways, I will continue to believe that God is grieving with us and comforting us.

Shape Shifting

You remember this toy, right?  I don't exactly remember playing with it per se, but I do remember it while babysitting or working in the church nursery!

We learn early on that certain shapes fit into certain spaces.

Sometimes, this is a lesson that bears repeating in adulthood.

I have been rather sad for the last couple weeks as it has become clear that our path is not what I thought because we were not the right fit.  As close as the star might be to the cross, it won't fit.  The oval will not conform to the circle.  The triangle will not morph into another shape just to go through.

The redeeming fact of the matter is that though certain shapes won't fit just anywhere, they do fit somewhere.  The do fit in the shape that was created for it.

While I grieve the loss of placement of where I wanted to be, I believe that there is a place created just for us.  And while I feel a twinge of guilt in the loss we have created, I also believe there is a perfect fit for that space as well.

Many are the plans in a man's heart,
but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.
Proverbs 19:21

Loaded Camel

The last couple of weeks, especially, I have been battling a huge array of feelings.  My thoughts have been jumping to conclusions that have some basis in reality, but nothing confirmed.  

I am afraid.

I am afraid of being miserable.

I'm afraid of failing.

These are things I am readily able to admit, but I wonder how much of this fear is clouding and affecting my judgements.  Fortunately, I have a brother-in-law who is wise and understanding, and extremely diplomatic, who has helped me to see what I could be doing to my self-ascribed former clear mindedness.  These are his words:

I'm loading the camel.

You've likely heard the phrase, "The straw that broke the camels back."  In allowing my mind to fill with negative thoughts (beyond the realistic questions), I have begun to load the camel.  In making assumptions that have resulted in frustrations, having unrealistic expectations that inevitably result in disappointments, I have loaded the camel.  In not communicating in a way that asks for the information that I desired that brings me a feeling of distrust due to a lack of communication, I have loaded the camel.  I am just setting myself up for that proverbial last straw.

So, am I really open to what God may want for me?  I want to be, but it is extremely difficult to allow myself to see what God wants over my load.  Especially if I have it so densely packed.

I am preparing to go on a journey that desperately needs a lighter load.  I have been praying that God will help me unload the camel, give Him the weight, and trust His leading.  An amazing oasis might be just over the hill.

Wicked Weeds

Dandelions.

They are everywhere.  Really, I've seen them.  

I cannot believe how beautiful they can be, especially if they are not in my flower beds.  

 I have to admit, there were several amazing specimens in my lawn back in Alaska.  Especially once I started to fertilize said lawn.  They are really quite a beautiful and rugged flower.

So rugged, in fact, that it is very difficult to get rid of them.  One thing that does help to eliminate them, other than meticulously hand picking each and every one with the entire root system, is to first feed them.  This may sound counterintuitive, but it serves a purpose.  When plants are at their best, they are able to store food all the way through their system.  This is when it is optimum to apply the desired product of destruction.  It's almost like you get in good with the dandelion, and BAM!  Take 'em out.  It's a bit harsh but effective.

I was reading in Psalm 92 today.  Verse 7 states:

"That when the wicked

sprouted up like grass

And all who did iniquity

flourished,

It was only that they might

be destroyed

forevermore."

Sometimes I wonder if God does the same thing with evil as I do with dandelions in the lawn.  God was the original landscape designer, and I know He hates the weeds that come into His creation, slowly sucking the nutrients and moisture away from what He has sown.  Could it be that when we see all the evil in this world, and the seeming lack of consequences, that it's just a matter of time before the BAM!?  It gives me a little bit of solace knowing that even though the wicked weeds are showing themselves off to be something of beauty, their seemingly uninhibited splendor will be destroyed.  I can rest in this.  I can know that the evil that enslaves, kills, mutilates, and inflicts any other number of pains, will be destroyed.  Forevermore.

New Year, New Adventures!

I'm going to honest.  (like I'm not usually!)  I getting more and more apprehensive about moving to Africa.  

Probably not a huge surprise to anyone who has actually done anything new.  That pretty much includes everyone.  Basically, the idea has been very romantic and the closer it comes, the more realistic I am becoming.  

Romantic (above) vs Realistic (below)

 Romantic vs. Realistic

 Romantic vs. Realistic

It's going to be hard.  Very hard.  I'm not exactly sure the extent of all the different ways it will be hard, but I can pretty confidently guess that every aspect of my life will change.  

I have been in a process of transferring my trust from people to God.  One might think that she has done this once she gave her life to Him, but in my world that doesn't just happen.  It is clearly an ongoing process, not a box to check.  I am realizing how little I actually trust God to direct my life.  I continue to see all the places where I place my trust on myself, my husband, or others.  I have been disappointed.  As long as I trust people to guide me, I will be disappointed.  I may not feel let down at first, but it will happen.  Every time.  With God, I may feel let down at first as I struggle to discover His purposes, but I will never be disappointed in the end.  Ever.  

As this new year dawns, it brings new adventures and experiences that I am anxious about, but also excited.  I can only imagine where God will take me, how He will grow me, and what kind of person I will become through this year.  From Alaska to Africa - who'd have ever guessed?!

(Thanks to D. H. (my boss) for the use of these pictures of his trip to Ghana!)

Mountain Climbing

We have this old-fashioned thing called a camera.  It's only purpose is to take pictures.  Weird, I know.  It is not so old to have film, though I have one of those as well (as for film, I'd have to suggest one Google it!).  It is with this relic of technology that I took some "passport photos" for our visa application.  Let me just say, there is no way for these to look lovely, though I will admit, makeup may have helped me a bit.  

So now that these lovely photo's have been cut-up, pasted to the application, and mailed off, it is official: We have formally applied to be in the country of Ghana.

One might think that this is quite an accomplishment (visa applications are not too difficult, but a pain nonetheless), but it really feels like I've taken but one step up Mount Everest.  There feels to be mountainous amounts of information that need to be gathered, questions that need to be answered, and plans upon which must be decided.  Moving forward is a monumental task.  It gets overwhelming to me more and more.

When we first said "yes" to this adventure, I was all about just going with the flow, and "just do what you can do!" I told my husband in his anxiety.  Now it is my turn.  I have taken a much bigger role in Vytrak than I anticipated, and I am extremely glad I have, don't get me wrong, but with this bigger role comes responsibility, and with that comes the pressure to succeed.  I'm pretty sure this pressure is self-administered, but it doesn't change the fact that I now have real responsibilities and others are relying on me.

There are times I just want to go back to being "Pat's Wife."

It can be so much easier to be the supportive one, as opposed to the one needing support.

Thankfully, I have an amazing husband who comes into my whirlwind of panic, holds my hand and we find our footing together.  The whirlwind hasn't exactly gone away, but I know I have support and someone walking it with me.  This is a good thing, because as he says, this is just the bunny hill.  We haven't even begun to get to the steep parts yet.

Ultimately, I have to acknowledge that I have no real clue or control over what is happening.  I totally love change when I am the one controlling the outcome.  This is a little over my head and it makes me nervous.  I am really trying to give my anxieties (that seem to grow in proportion to my knowledge) up to Christ and let Him lead me.  I think.  I'm not actually sure what this practically looks like!  I feel such a desire for tangible symbols of release like burning pieces of paper with my anxieties written on them during a time of prayer.   Maybe I'll have myself a bonfire tonight!

I keep thinking of the Psalty song, One Step at a Time!  I definitely feel like I'm climbing a mountain one step at a time!  I'm feeling a smores craving with all this mountain climbing and bonfire talk!

Hanging Out

I don't really have a concise quip for this one.  Something that makes you go "huh!"

I am in a season of anticipation.  I am so ready to start the next stage of our lives, yet so unprepared.  I am wanting to soak up as much family time as I can, yet savoring the time to myself.  I feel the need to educate myself, and also to leave room for being taught.

I know God is preparing me for all the future contrasts I will encounter.  He is giving me the opportunity in this familiar environment to work through some of this.  I am not too sure I'm doing a great job though.  I know that I have things to do, but I know that the work will be inevitable, so I am leaning toward the soft comforts now.  I don't think it will serve me well in the end!

Perhaps I am like the shoes: meant for pounding the pavement, but hanging out and enjoying the view - at least until it rains!