Mountain Climbing

We have this old-fashioned thing called a camera.  It's only purpose is to take pictures.  Weird, I know.  It is not so old to have film, though I have one of those as well (as for film, I'd have to suggest one Google it!).  It is with this relic of technology that I took some "passport photos" for our visa application.  Let me just say, there is no way for these to look lovely, though I will admit, makeup may have helped me a bit.  

So now that these lovely photo's have been cut-up, pasted to the application, and mailed off, it is official: We have formally applied to be in the country of Ghana.

One might think that this is quite an accomplishment (visa applications are not too difficult, but a pain nonetheless), but it really feels like I've taken but one step up Mount Everest.  There feels to be mountainous amounts of information that need to be gathered, questions that need to be answered, and plans upon which must be decided.  Moving forward is a monumental task.  It gets overwhelming to me more and more.

When we first said "yes" to this adventure, I was all about just going with the flow, and "just do what you can do!" I told my husband in his anxiety.  Now it is my turn.  I have taken a much bigger role in Vytrak than I anticipated, and I am extremely glad I have, don't get me wrong, but with this bigger role comes responsibility, and with that comes the pressure to succeed.  I'm pretty sure this pressure is self-administered, but it doesn't change the fact that I now have real responsibilities and others are relying on me.

There are times I just want to go back to being "Pat's Wife."

It can be so much easier to be the supportive one, as opposed to the one needing support.

Thankfully, I have an amazing husband who comes into my whirlwind of panic, holds my hand and we find our footing together.  The whirlwind hasn't exactly gone away, but I know I have support and someone walking it with me.  This is a good thing, because as he says, this is just the bunny hill.  We haven't even begun to get to the steep parts yet.

Ultimately, I have to acknowledge that I have no real clue or control over what is happening.  I totally love change when I am the one controlling the outcome.  This is a little over my head and it makes me nervous.  I am really trying to give my anxieties (that seem to grow in proportion to my knowledge) up to Christ and let Him lead me.  I think.  I'm not actually sure what this practically looks like!  I feel such a desire for tangible symbols of release like burning pieces of paper with my anxieties written on them during a time of prayer.   Maybe I'll have myself a bonfire tonight!

I keep thinking of the Psalty song, One Step at a Time!  I definitely feel like I'm climbing a mountain one step at a time!  I'm feeling a smores craving with all this mountain climbing and bonfire talk!

Hanging Out

I don't really have a concise quip for this one.  Something that makes you go "huh!"

I am in a season of anticipation.  I am so ready to start the next stage of our lives, yet so unprepared.  I am wanting to soak up as much family time as I can, yet savoring the time to myself.  I feel the need to educate myself, and also to leave room for being taught.

I know God is preparing me for all the future contrasts I will encounter.  He is giving me the opportunity in this familiar environment to work through some of this.  I am not too sure I'm doing a great job though.  I know that I have things to do, but I know that the work will be inevitable, so I am leaning toward the soft comforts now.  I don't think it will serve me well in the end!

Perhaps I am like the shoes: meant for pounding the pavement, but hanging out and enjoying the view - at least until it rains!

Refreshment

I'm back in Kansas again!
It has been hot.
Today is absolutely perfect - 78 degrees and thunderstorms!

 Did I mention we have been able to see our N&N's?!  Not all, but 11.5 of them! (one more on the way!)

Our first day was full of hugs, and we have already had a chance to mingle and play a little Bocce with them!

This is part of why I wanted to be here.  It has been a fun welcoming.  Because lives are busy, it will be interesting to see how much I'll be able to stretch myself to watch all the football, soccer, tennis, and basketball games.

I also hope I can refuel my spirit.  I hunger for the type of relationships I've had before here, and also in AK, that can give me perspective, growth, and encouragement.  I am a little concerned for myself for the move to Africa, and I hope to cultivate relationships very intentionally that will continue through my time there.  This sounds very selfish, but I also hope to be involved in others' lives to keep myself from becoming self-absorbed.  I've learned this from a new friend I met this summer who happens to live in China right now.  (She was in Alaska this summer, to avoid confusion!)   I hope I can reach out and make this time work.  I am discovering some frustration with our single car issue, but I think God can work around that!

We have already felt some reach out to us and felt encouraged back into our former church.  I am ready and excited to drink this tall cool glass of refreshment!

Miss me?

I don't handle stress very well.

My patience level, which is not exactly a deep reservoir, becomes as thin and as strong as a sheet of cheap toilet paper.  This particular trait makes me so enjoyable to be around.  Yes, that's sarcasm.  That's another stress-induced trait that rears its ugly head.  This lack of patience and overabundance of sarcasm have led me into a couple of frustrating situations recently.  I hate this.

I'm not ending well.

I had hoped that this would be a bittersweet transition into the next phase of our lives, but right now it just feels like I want to pack up and quietly slip away.  Sadly, I'm not sure I'd be missed.

Some of the stressors are legitimate, and I frequently excuse myself with these, but my inability to refrain from contentious responses are all me.  I see a opening and regardless of my real opinion, I interject an argument.  My husband is truly appreciative of this mighty skill I have.  Especially on a Sunday morning on the way to church.

I'm not sure what I need to do right now about this.  God and I have had some talks, but I'm still tripping all over it.  Sometimes I think I just need to pull up my big-girl panties and realize that everyone is not as enlightened as I am I only have control over myself and I have the power of self-control.  God said so.  I don't have to agree with everyone, but I can respond lovingly or even choose to refrain from responding in an effort to keep the peace.

I wish I were a person who was missed.
Maybe it's not too late.

White Time

It's funny how during the winter, I long for the whiteness to be gone.  Now, the lushness of the multitudes of greens fill the landscape and a spot of white is like a light in a dark place.

Funny how perspectives change.

I had hoped that I would feel a real uplift with the sale of our house and the prospect of moving to the next step.  I did, for a while.  Those bursts of lightness have settled into a valley of fog.  I feel like I'm just wandering around, waiting again.  It is 3 weeks until we are officially out of our house, and I have packed up what I think we will be taking that we don't need right now, I have had one garage sale with one more this week, and I have donated and thrown away more.  I have visited with friends and made lists to eliminate my pantry as efficiently as possible.  I have made a couple itineraries for our impending road trip, and saved a few books to take along.  I have called Canada to prepare for our entry, and I have my list of utilities to call in a couple more weeks.  We have our storage totes half-filled, the trailers are travel ready, and the trucks are serviced with tires mounted. We have prepared all that we can, for the time being.

With an abundance of time, I am wishing for movement.  I know that when this situation flips, I will long for a moment of time in quiet peace.

Funny how perspectives change.

Mere Churchianity ~ Book Review

Mere Churchianity is one of the most blunt, politically incorrect, refreshing take on the modern American church I have ever read.  The late Michael Spencer, The Internet Monk, wrote this book to address the issues that have pushed many away from the church while looking for Jesus.  I wish I had discovered his blog long ago.

I had no previous knowledge of Mr. Spencer, so I was a bit surprised at the level of honesty and blunt language he used.  I don't have the same level of disillusionment that many have had with the church at large, but I related to many of the issued presented.  I found myself underlining many of it, wanting to say "Amen!" but also feeling a renewed responsibility to represent the church more correctly.  This is not a soft, loving encouragement to live better, but a serious bucket of cold water to institutional Christianity.  To call it critical of the conventional church is to say it mildly.  Refreshing and needed are my personal takes.  

A basic summary of the book is an acknowledgement of the failure of many aspects of the modern, evangelical church to connect to people despite the massive amounts of money poured into the entertainment values that the church seems to prioritize as the connection point.  It clearly isn't working on the broad scale, and Michael then goes on to discuss what does work; a Jesus-shaped spirituality.  His writings clearly defend the essentials of following Christ, but gives a defense to the variety of ways this can be manifested in individuals and groups as well.  

Even though his critique of the church is harsh, he does this in a mildly self-deprecating way, acknowledging that he was part of the problem for many years, never to make it to perfection, but trying.  I felt like when I was afraid he was getting to superior, he would include a story or disclaimer that showed he knew he was a flawed human, too.

I followed the writing very easily and since I resonated with so much of what he wrote, I didn't feel the offense that I imagine those ingrained in the organized church may feel.  I do think, however, that constructive criticism is vital, not just in the secular world, but in the family of faith as well.  I would recommend this book to those who have left the organized church, are thinking of leaving, or like me, just long for a honest approach to growth within the church.  Just be ready for some hard truths and brutal honesty.

I received a copy of this book at not cost by the publishers, and was in no way encouraged to review it with any bias.  

Journeys

My husband is so funny!  He seems to be so cautious that he very much hesitates to make anything "official," but since I throw caution to the wind, I can feel comfortable stating that we are now planning on moving to Ghana!

Why the caution?  Well, we have been in a position of making announcements of plans in the past that never came to fruition.  Though this has not been from anything on our part, he still seems to want to proceed cautiously with anything definite.  I understand.  It's hard to go back on what you've told people you plan to do.  There end up being a lot of questions that make it seem like we are the flighty ones.  Fortunately, that label isn't one that I worry about!  I choose to see it that we are always open to God's leading and that includes stopping in one direction to going in another.  We are flexible. I think that will come in very handy in the next year or so.

I am not anxious about moving to Africa.  I know there will be a LOT of things to get done in the next months to prepare to move, but anxiety isn't an emotion I go to often.  Usually, if anything, I get frustrated at the pace of change.  It doesn't seem to go fast enough for me.  I see a goal and I want to get there.  Now.  I'm working on that, or rather, God is working on that in me.  I am learning to see the journey as a valuable experience, not just the destination; literally and figuratively!